Finding Mercy

I made my way through Seattle and Tacoma without incident. I was afraid I might get drowsy driving that way in the dark, but I didn't. The Lord refreshed me, kept me clear and alert.

I was not sure what my hotel was going to be like. It was not a chain that I had heard of, so I was afraid it might not be clean. When I was a kid, we were traveling with some friends and ended up at a motel that was dreadful. The bathtub was only about 2 feet long, there was commotion and chaos, and the room was so filthy that I imagined rats were climbing on the bed. I ended up spending most of the night in the bathroom with the light on. Ever since then, I have been wary of hotels I had not heard of.

I needn’t have worried. The Liberty Inn was a beautiful, new, shiny hotel. It had a huge, tastefully decorated foyer. It was nestled in the town center of one of the upscale little hamlets in the area, where the main drag is all posh coffee shops, book stores, and wood-fired-oven pizza restaurants. The wait staff were smiling, friendly people, and you almost expected them to break into some sort of song like in a Broadway musical.

I was amazed that the room had stone counters by the sink. Stone! I am not sure if it was granite or what, but it was beautiful. I remembered turning on the water and the blast of chlorine smell hit me. We are on well water here in Alaska, so chlorinated water was quite a shock. It smelled much stronger than it tasted, and it was easy to drink, so it was not a big deal. It just startled me.

The person I remember most at that hotel was named, perfectly enough, Mercy. Honestly, I wonder if she was yet another angel the Lord put in my path. She worked the front desk there. As I checked in, I told her about what was going on. You know me, I have very little in terms of filter between emotions and mouth, so I am pretty much an open book. She listened so attentively to me, with gasps of sympathy and expressions of care. I found out later that she told other ladies that she worked with my story, so when I walked through the foyer on my trips to and from the hospital, I always encountered sympathetic looks and murmurs.

She asked me often how Ashton was doing. She also noticed that I was not sleeping in long stretches, nor eating much. One morning she insisted that I get something from the continental breakfast to take with me. She then turned to the lady setting out the food and told her to get me anything I needed. I loved Mercy, she was yet another person that the Lord put in my path to take care of me. When I ended up having to move to another hotel, I missed her terribly! Please take a moment to pray for her, that the Lord will bless her for being a faithful, kind woman. Thank the Lord for her for me, as I do not feel that my prayers of thanks are enough for the kindness she showed. She earned the name she was given. Thank You Lord!

Landing in Seattle

As soon as the plane touched down, Ash and I were talking on the phone. He had landed not too long before I did, but he landed at Ft. Lewis with the med evac. He was going to be checked into the hospital. I was to call him when I was settled in at the hotel. I had to make my way from the airport in Seattle to my hotel on the other side of Tacoma.

To be honest, I was not sure how to even rent my car! Thank the good Lord again for Stephanie Rowland—she had everything set up for me. The airport was quiet for as busy as Sea Tac usually is. I made my way to the car rental counter. There was a young woman working there. She must have been having a bad day or something as she was so very sullen! I would have thought she was taking offense at my headcovering, but she was wearing a small cross around her neck. I was not sure what to say to her. Not that I am trying to be judgmental at all! This is not a dig against her at all…I cannot imagine what must have been going on in her life to make her so thoroughly unhappy. It seemd that it was not just a “late night tired” sort of thing, but something upsetting her. I just tried to be as smiling and gentle as I could as she got my paperwork done. I left her wishing I could have done something to help.

I found my car—a non-descript, dull grey, sub-sub-sub compact buggy. Oh that car cracked us up! It TOTALLY ruined my parking skills (ask Ashton, he’ll tell you!). It took me days to figure out how to park that car, then took me weeks to relearn how to park my suburban at home! We joked that that car was small enough to parallel park in a straight parking space. It also had very low ground clearance, so I invariably ended up scraping the bottom of it on the curbs. It only drove up to about 59 mph comfortably, and started a very disconcerting shiver at 60 mph. The great thing about it, though, was that it could zip-zip in and out of traffic with ease, like a little mouse scampering around 18 wheeled cats. I even found myself making “zip zip” sound effects when changing lanes or pulling into traffic. I told Ashton that it was good that it was maneuverable, as that was its only protective feature—if we were in an accident, we were toast. Our only hope was to be able to skitter out of the way of danger.

I do not know what time it was at this point. I want to say 2 am-ish. I had about 45 minutes of drive to go in a town that I was wholly unfamiliar with. I should probably mention now that I have a very loose association with direction. I never worry when I am lost (I am optimistic that “eventually” I will find my way), but I am also rarely certain of where I am. I have lived in Alaska for over 10 years and am still not sure what some of the main roads are called.

With map in hand, I start driving towards where my hotel is (at least I think I am). It felt kind of good to have to take care of “grown up things” like car rentals and finding hotels, though really I was not doing it, the Lord had everything taken care of. It still seemed like a “big girl adventure”.

The Plane Rides

I had to fly down to Anchorage, switch planes, then continue to Seattle. I will say that the plane rides themselves were the only parts of the trip that I remember where people were not as open to me. I remember wanting so much to talk to someone on the flight, to let them know just a little bit about what I was going through. However, no one on the flights were very open.

While that is sort of odd, especially in light of how the rest of the trip went with people being very receptive and kind, I know that the Lord knew what was best. I needed time with Him. I needed to be alone. Sometimes we think we need people when what we ALWAYS need first is Him. He gave me several hours of being alone, surrounded by people, to just settle down and be in His presence. The next two weeks were going to be full of people and events. I would not have another block of hours that would be empty for a couple of weeks. This is what I needed, though at the time I did not realize that.

At The Airport

Jennifer dropped me off at the airport and said she was going to park the car. I was running late, so I RACED to check in. I flew through the check in process, and the lady behind the counter was friendly and sweet. I noticed later during this trial that the Lord made it so that everyone’s heart was turned to me. It was weird. It was like everyone was my best friend trying to make my situation better. I had never had that before from so many perfect strangers! I wonder if He lined my way with angels.

I waited as long as I could for Jennifer to bring the babies in so I could say goodbye to them. However, I was late for the plane and had to hurry through security. I realized that I would not get to hug my babies goodbye as I stood there in the TSA line. That thought broke my heart. I was hoping, hoping, hoping that I could just see them, that they would suddenly appear and I could say “Wait! Let me go hug them quick and get back in line.”. There just was not enough time.

Then TSA found two multi-tools that I had forgotten I had in my bag. Now, we are in Alaska, as I mentioned. EVERYONE carries something. However, I had thought that I had gotten all of them out of my bag. I carry a large backpack (a habit I got into when I was in middle school and never quite stopped doing). In the rush, I forgot to check all the pockets and left a leatherman and a “guppy” which is sort of like a carabiner with little screw heads, a small knife, I think it has a flashlight or something too. Anyway, both of those were gifts from Ashton. I was getting more upset by this time (not angry, just trying not to cry in front of the TSA folk). I was afraid I was going to get in some sort of trouble, but the TSA lady was SO nice! She suggested that I could just put those in an envelope and mail them back to myself, but I did not have time. I told her just to take them and went to my plane.

I sat down in the plane and called Jen before we took off. I got to hear my precious children’s voices, and I said I was sorry I could not give them a hug before I left. I told them I loved them and to be good. I asked Jen to please hug them for me…it was VERY important to me that the kids got a hug—like life or death important to me. Probably because life just seemed so fragile at that point, had been turned so upside down. Everything was uncertain. I just begged her to please give them a hug from me. Then I said goodbye.

As I sat back in the seat, I cried just a few tears. Not many, as I was afraid that the emotions of the day were such that if I started crying, I would not be able to stop or control my emotions. If they got out, they would be impossible to put back, I was afraid. So I cried a few tears, prayed more to the Lord that I would get to come home to my babies, that I would get to hug them again, and settled back for the flight.

The Lord provides more help for us

I came home after leaving TWS to med evac. They had talked that he might get the Leer jet to Seattle, but the King Air was the one that was available. As I mentioned previously, they had to fly below a certain altitude because it could have been bad for him if they had depressurized. He said they were flying through the valleys, with mountains on both sides. I bet it was a beautiful flight.

He seemed to handle the flight pretty well, but the nurse saw that his oxygen rate would fall if he started to doze off. So they kept him talking. They told him that he was the "healthiest sick person" they had ever had to travel with!

They gave him some trail mix that a nurse had and he drank a coke that I had brought for him. In fact, when I was frantically packing his stuff I remember hollering out "DADDY NEEDS A COKE!" hoing one of the kids would hear and bring one from downstairs(chuckle).

They were able to meet up with the Leer jet in Ketchikan, which was good because the King Air takes a LONG time to fly. What should have been a 4 hour trip would have been 7 or 8. I would have beat him to Seattle, even though my plane took off a couple of hours later (he had already landed by the time I got there later that night).

I went back home again, trying to get my thoughts together. I had typed numerous notes on my iphone, which I was so thankful to have! Ashton had bought it for me because he said that it looked easiest to use....sometimes being technologically inept works in my favor :).

Maj Rowland was working out all my paperwork, and arranged my flight for 7 pm that night. When I got back to the house, Jennifer was making rice in the kitchen and had my kitchen cleaned. The laundry was almost all done, and the kids were so proud of the work they had done. I was so proud of them too!

I had called my neighbor Jeanne and she offered to take care of the cat for me. Though many people offered to take the kids, Jennifer had already decided to take the kids AND the guinea pigs to her house. I shoved stuff in a suitcase as quickly as I could. Jeanne stopped by, as did Stephanie Rowland. I tried to eat a piece of pizza, but I did not have much of an appetite.

Suddenly it was PAST time to get to the airport. Jennifer managed to get kids, luggage for them and myself, and two guinea pigs in her explorer. I have no idea how...the Lord must have altered the laws of physics just for me lolol. On the way to the airport, I tried to organize my purse and take out my pocket knives—I am in Alaska, we have TONS of pocket knives. I still missed two of my favorites which ended up being confiscated by the TSA :(.

TWS’s father had once given us some emergency cash and I was so thankful to have it! I split it up into cash for me, and then gave the rest to Jen for her to use and take home.

On the way to the airport was when I talked to my mom about how I felt. I know I mentioned it in a previous post, but I just want to reiterate: Ever since I was a child, the Lord had been teaching me, guiding me, having me endure things that tested and stretched my heart and mind. Every bad thing that happened since I was a child was now working FOR me. The hateful, cruel bullying I endured as a child gave me the defense mechanism of being able to isolate, to wall off emotion. The thoughts of an overactive imagination of a child about the end of the world, of death, of war were a constant training for a REAL battle. I was facing a crisis in my life, but I had faced crises in my head for years. It was not new ground to me.

I think that boggles my mind the most. When a crisis hit, it was not new, it was not novel. It was....familiar. I had been in that moment before, though mostly in my imagination, dreams, nightmares. I had also faced crises in real life: tornadoes spinning over my house, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, typhoons, accidents, etc.

So when I found myself facing another crisis, the Lord had already strengthened me for it. He had already prepared me for this battle, by arming me and training me from childhood.

In fact, when I came home, long after the surgery was done, I found myself restless. Honestly, I felt better being challenged than I did at rest. Being at rest makes me restless, if that makes sense. I DEFINITELY do not want any more harm to befall us! NOT AT ALL! But I wonder if maybe I might have been good as a paramedic or search and rescue or someone else who spent their lives in the middle of crises.

I know I am belaboring this point. I had basically said all this in another post. It just is so important to me. It is a key that puts order in my life. This is helping me learn that the next time tragedy befalls, that I need to try to look at it through the eyes of faith to ask "How is the Lord going to use this for my good? How can I glorify Him in this?".

A Poignant Picture

In the ER, we were in a quiet room. Jeff somehow got on base and was able to sit with TWS as I was at home getting his things together. That meant a great deal to me. Jeff is an ordained pastor, and, while he is new and not our pastor, it was so interesting to me to think of Jeff as being there in a pastoral mode, providing comfort to TWS. I don’t know, it just meant a lot. I was disappointed when he left, though I am sure he just wanted to give us some time alone.

I remembered that my cell phone takes pictures. I wanted to take a picture of us together, as this might be our last one. I did not say that to TWS, but I think he knew. We knew a lot more than we were saying at that time, mostly about fear and what we were feeling. I am still amazed at the calmness of the whole thing, as if they had told TWS that he was perfectly healthy, just needed a check up or something.

The med evac team came. They were wonderfully sweet and loaded him up onto a gurney. I had been afraid that they wanted me to come on a helicopter with them, or in a cramped plane. I would have in a heartbeat, but it made me nervous. However, there was no room for me, so I would have to fly commercial. I hated being away from him, but he looked so healthy and normal, that it was not a major stress for me to take a different plane.

He was wheeled out of the ER and I went home.



What I was afraid might be our last picture together.

The Lord Provides Good Babies

I then called my folks and told them. My dad, in a bit of uncharacteristically rough vernacular said that “This scares me poopless.”. I chuckled a little and said “That’s funny, because it makes me want to tee.”. For some reason, that interplay of words still strikes me as funny.

They were visiting my brother in Virginia, but they offered to fly out, to do whatever they needed to. However, at the time there was nothing for them to do. I was not even sure what *I* was doing at that point.

Now, during this time, I was driving down a road that was posted for 55 mph. But for some reason that I cannot fathom, the two cars ahead of me were only going 45. Now one was a truck filled with roof trusses, but I assumed that we would go faster when they turned off. NO! EVERY car was going 45 mph THE WHOLE WAY HOME. And when I say the whole way home, I mean one slow car even turned down our street! I have never experienced that before in my life—no traffic to speak of, no weather, midday, and no reason to go 45 mph. I honestly wondered if perhaps I was just losing mental ground from the shock and was just imagining that cars were going that slowly. Was I going crazy?

What do I tell the kids? I had always maintained that honesty was the best policy, and I would not say “Oh daddy is fine…we are just spontaneously flying out to Seattle for a checkup.”. No, that would not do. I never lied about Santa, the tooth fairy, or the Easter bunny, I was not going to lie to them about something so important.

I walk into the house and, still mindful that his med evac plane could arrive at any moment, talked to the kids. I told them that daddy has a brain tumor, that we have to fly to Seattle to get it removed. I told them that I had to pack for daddy and that I needed them to help with the work. I told them to pack as if they were going to Seattle for a week, to clean the guinea pig cages, to clean the cat litter, and to start the laundry. I put on my best, encouraging, coaching/drill sargeant voice--upbeat and caring, but no-nonsense and brisk.

They were amazing, thank the Lord! It was as if the Lord kept all of us calm and relaxed. No tears, no hysterics. They were shocked, of course, but then jumped into action in the middle of the crisis. They were just as brisk and businesslike and upbeat as I had tried to be for them. They were incredible troopers.

Leaving them downstairs to get organized, I got the bag out for TWS's stuff and started packing. I soon realized that I put NINE pairs of gym shorts in there for him. Nine. Like he was going to go to the gym nine times after brain surgery. Plus I was going to rapidly run out of room! I removed some of the shorts, and raced around looking for the other clothing and books and electronics that he had requested.

Jen had not arrived by the time I was ready to leave. I hated leaving the kids alone at this time, but I had to get the stuff to TWS. They were doing well, though. I drove back to base.