Day Before Surgery pt 2 Priests and Prayer

It was the day before surgery…at least I think these events took place the day before surgery. To be honest, I am trying to remember if these in this blog happened on Tuesday or Wednesday.

In any case, let’s just say Tuesday.

One thing I wanted to mention was that Ashton’s room had a huge picture window that overlooked Mt Ranier. WOW that was beautiful! However, I have also watched entirely too many disaster movies and was hoping that it was not going to erupt. Yeah, I know, ridiculous.

At one point a Catholic priest came in to talk to us. He was a VERY old man. He was part of the hospital, was coming to see how we were doing. We talked for a long time. He mentioned a Catholic holiday of some sort, some sort of feast day was on Wednesday. I asked him a lot of questions about his work, his faith. I apologized for being inquisitive, and mentioned that I do not know a lot about Catholicism as we are protestant. He looked a little taken aback. Apparently he had been told that we were Catholic. It was not too long after that that he left. He was mostly responsible for the Catholic patients in the hospital. I was a little saddened, but I understood.

The Lord moves in ways I do not understand. While it seems that this conversation might not have been as….fruitful as I might have hoped, this conversation with the priest will have repercussions later that I still do not understand the significance of BUT am convinced is not coincidence.

After this, later on that day, I went to the chaplain’s office in the hospital to let them know there had been a mistake. I also went into the chapel. I so wanted someone to come in from the chaplain’s office and talk to me. I wanted to tell more people about what was going on in my life, how my husband is having brain surgery. I just wanted to talk, to hear someone talk to me. However, no one came in. I noticed the flower arrangements were looking pretty dismal. I picked up a petal from the floor. I wandered around the room a while, praying and waiting. Then I finally left.

See, the Lord knew I did not need someone to talk to because the Lord wanted me to focus on Him. He has been teaching me that what I think I “need emotionally” is generally not what I REALLY need. The spirit overrides the emotions. Emotions are fickle, changeable with blood sugar levels, sleep, hormones. What I WANT in my heart cannot give me what the Lord gives me in my SPIRIT. If someone came in, I would have poured out my heart, but the Lord wanted to fill up my soul. My strength is not from getting what I want in my heart, but allowing the Lord to strengthen my soul. Does that make sense?

A Thought For Today....

Hello my beautiful sisters in Christ...and that is what you are! Beautiful and in Christ!

I would like to share a thought that my wonderful adorable cousin gave to me the other day while we were talking. Her father was a pastor and told her this (I am using my words, though, to explain it as I forgot how she said it verbatim)

"Things that you worry about are always worse in your mind than they really would be. When you imagine something bad, you are imagining these things without the grace God will provide. He will provide grace for you when/if things happen. So do not worry about tomorrow."

Sisters, just THINK about that! When you are fretful and anxious, if you have OCD or panic disorder, if you are depressed or dreading something, you are living a situation in your mind that has not happened yet or is not over. The Lord HAS grace for you. He HAS mercy for you. He HAS help for you.

But He is NOT going to insert Himself into our "vain imaginings" of things that have not happened yet...He expects you to turn your anxiety over to Him and watch Him work in your life.

I never could have imagined that a brain tumor in my husband would lead us both to such heights of closeness with each other and with God. If I had thought about TWS having a brain tumor back in March, I would have imagined losing him, him in pain and suffering. I would have imagined that nothing would go right, that I would be miserable and in a state of panic.

I would NOT have imagined what really happened when we found out he did have one: that the Lord's grace would so fully overwhelm me, so incredibly spill over into my life to where I was utterly filled with mercy and grace. I would NEVER have imagined that I would look on the situation and PRAISE THE LORD. In my imaginings, I would imagine that the brain tumor was the biggest part of the picture, not the Lord and His grace and that TWS and I would both be THANKFUL for the experience. Yes, thankful! PRAISING GOD! We never could have imagined the blessings that come out of what seems to be so bad. Healed relationships, strengthened relationships, closeness with Him, peace that passes all understanding.

Now, it is possible that the outcome of things in our lives will be what we do not want to happen. However, I am slowly learning that even those times the Lord REALLY DOES work out for our good. He worked out so many years of fear and misery for my good. He worked out an incredibly painful past for my good. It took over 20 years for the bitter trees of fear, sorrow, pain, to bear sweet fruit, but they did!

Remember: our fears never imagine the Lord's grace. We NEVER think "Oh I could get in an AWFUL car wreck today! What if I wrecked?!? Oh and then what if the Lord had sent angels to guard me and we all walked out without a scratch! Or what if I did break my arm, but the Lord provided me with full grace so that it really did not hurt that badly AND He introduced me to someone who would minister to me in ways I could not imagine! What if He blessed me MIGHTILY today!?!".

So do not borrow trouble. The Lord taught me clearly that to worry about tomorrow is to intentionally put my hand on a hot stove--I might think that it helps me prepare for some other time when I might put my hand on a stove, but really it just gives me unnecessary pain. It keeps me from praising Him because my mind is too full of fear and anxiety (and we do NOT praise Him when we are saying "I praise You, of course, but I do not trust that You can take care of this for me...."). It is worthless, foolish, and a BIG HUGE SIN, just as bad as adultery or stealing because I am tainting the blessings He gives me each day with my fear and I am robbing Him of praise.

Our imaginings are without the grace of the Lord. So put bad thoughts out of your head COMPLETELY and trust Him. His grace WILL be there and will NOT fail because He is faithful. You will see, I promise! The Lord will show Himself MIGHTILY in your life when you stop your vain imagining and start trusting and resting in Him! You will be able to laugh at the days to come, just like the Proverbs 31 woman.

My absence

Hello dear ones in Christ!

I have been off my blog for a while now. Some of it was because I was finishing up the pandemic flu booklet (available for free, of course, if you want it, just send your email addy. it requires adobe reader to view). I also had another project crop up.

However, my most recent absence was due to a VERY VERY VERY sudden med evac of my husband to Seattle for....a brain tumor. He was diagnosed with it the Monday before last after getting a cat scan for a sinus infection. He was med evac'd that day and underwent surgery on Wednesday. He is doing FINE now, thank the most blessed and wonderful Lord! He is right behind me packing up antique shop treasures we found here in Seattle after he was released from the hospital Monday. He looks fierce with a massive slice across his head, 43 staples and a black eye that looks like my slate counter top. The Lord was merciful above mercy, and my sweetie is intact and seems to be well on his way to a full recovery WITHOUT massive headaches.

I cannot tell you, dear ones, how much the Lord saw me through this. This story really is about Him, not about my husband. You never know how truly kind and wonderful and sustaining He is until you cannot depend on yourself anymore, until things are just so bad that you have no choice BUT to trust him.

I am trying to write down all of my thoughts and experiences...I already have about eight to ten pages and I am not even CLOSE to scratching the surface of all that happened. I am not sure if you are interested or not. I know that I deeply desire to remember everything and most importantly give glory to the Lord God Almighty, our most wonderful and merciful Father. He made me able to take more than I could take. He cleared every path. He turned the hearts of everyone towards me and our plight. It was amazing. Miraculous. Humbling. Heart wrenching.

Please offer your prayers, dear brothers and sisters in Christ. He still has a way to go in terms of the reduction of swelling in his brain (his left hemisphere of his brain was pushed into the right hemisphere by 1 cm). He is having trouble with high blood pressure. He is still recovering, though they released him from the hospital. He has to come back here in a month or so for another MRI, and we are still awaiting the pathology report to see if this was cancer or not. It PROBABLY is not, but we have to wait to be sure.

Thank you for your prayers. And if you have any questions at all, please feel free to write me. I know I would be eaten with curiosity (but i am kind of a medical nerd....a "hobbyist" as my wonderful sweetie told the PA lol).

Love, steph

To Fret or Not To Fret....

My blessed brethren,

There is a lot of varying information going out about the pandemic right now. Some quarters say it is much worse than we are being told. Some say that it is easy, the best of all possible pandemic scenarios. The VP says he would tell his family not to ride in a subway or plane, but then his managers come back later and say that he means not to do that if someone is sick.

It is easy to fall into panic or apathy, and to waver between the two from moment to moment. Do you trust the WHO when it says it will only count 5 cases from mexico, or the WHO when it says that this is a threat to us all? Do you trust the government when it says that masks DO help doctors but for some reason do not work for laypeople? Do you trust the school system when it says "we need to close" or the one that says "we dont need to close"? Do you trust the fact that Disney says they are taking care of visitors and it is fine to visit, or that several kids from SC went to disney and came back with flu symptoms?

Do we trust history that pandemics generally have three waves, or do we trust when some doctors say that "this might fizzle out"?

I think we prepare as if it was going to increase and have a second wave by fall, just like the past several pandemic have. However, we pray that it does fizzle, and do not worry in any case. Worrying does not make a pandemic appear or disappear. It does not put food in bellies, nor strengthen our immune system. Worry does not build our faith, but weakens it.

Do not worry. Do prepare. Do trust God. Do allow Him to guide your steps. Do what He has provided you to do in terms of preparing (keeping in mind that while you prepare for a pandemic, that might be because you will be in a position to help others, whether a pandemic hits or not).

Various thoughts and updates

Last night TWS and I went out on a date. We have the single most phenomenal babysitter EVER. Her name is Michaela. She is incredibly poised, looks adults in the eye in an open and not sullen manner, and washes the dishes when she babysits. Honestly, I would adopt her if I could!

Our dates are very very mundane. And I love that! We go out to supper, either go shooting or go shopping, and usually end up at the bookstore getting Godiva Choc Cheesecake for me, and whatever he wants.

I love the comfortableness of our relationship. I am thoroughly blessed.


We bought some Christmas presents, including something for my folks. I want to tell you all about it, but my mom might accidentally read the blog and that would blow the surprise!

I am not sure if all y'all know, but I headcover. You have probably seen it in some of the pics I have posted. I do not feel that one must always headcover. And last night, because we were on a date, I considered not covering (not that TWS cares one way or the other, but frankly my hair was kinda cute!). I decided to put it on anyway, and I am glad I did. I ran into our neighbors who seem very nice but are most definitely witches (as in, that is what they proclaim as their religion, not that I am being catty). She had on her cape and amulets or whatever, and I was standing in my headcovering. We said hello briefly, I talked to her husband for a moment, and then it was over. However, I was very thankful to be wearing my faith when I ran into someone who was wearing their beliefs. I was thankful that I was ready "in season and out of season...". It was the Holy Spirit who arranged me to be prepared...frankly I was just tickled with my hair!

(Thank You Lord for making me ready for that one brief moment where I could be a witness for You!)

Speaking of hair, the no poo is going REALLY well. I still use mane and tail conditioner, and it still helps if I am under the water when I scrub. But I am very much enjoying my hair. I think I will keep with the conditioner only regimen.

Back to my folks coming to visit....I am trying to figure out what I can get done ahead of time! I am very eager to make a lot of candy this season. SHAW and I have been pouring over blogs of numminess. I want to make pies, cakes, etc. However, I am also finding out that after the first two days of looking at very sweet, sugary, rich foods, I am finding myself actually wanting to bake and eat some very simple bread.

So I have baked bread and dug out my science experiments (AKA my sourdough starters) from the back of the fridge and am going to try to get them going again. If I cannot, then I still have time to order starter from king arthur (the food blog there is beyond!). My plan when my folks visit is to have very simple breakfasts of cheese, bread, fruit. That will keep our blood sugars from going so wonky, and will also free up the rest of the day for numminess :-).

I have found that eating protein only for breakfast (or something with a TON of fat in it), feels so much better. No crashes, no spikes. This is a FAR cry from what i have preferred my whole life. Even if I woke up at 2 in the afternoon, I wanted something light and sweet before eating anything substantial. Now I pretty much have either chicken, cheese, pork or moose for breakfast. Just that and coffee. Took me a while to get used to it, but man, the day goes so much better that way!

Now, one odd thing is that if I eat something that is SUPER high in fat, like donuts, I am not hungry for hours and hours. If I eat waffles or pancakes or diet shakes, I am hungry in about 20-40 minutes. But donuts keep me going to past lunch. Maybe because your body wants fat for breakfast? I don't know. I just know that donuts do the trick. I have even thought of going on a donut diet! I knew a lady who lost 40 lbs eating only chocolate. She was even on one of those morning shows! Probably not the healthiest, but MAN what a nifty way to diet!

Speaking of food, I have some left over chicken from Chilis with my name on it just crying out to me in the kitchen!

Contentment

My beautiful wonderful sisters in Christ!

I hope this is a wonderful morning for you! I have not been awake very long, but so far I have been blessed beyond measure.

The Lord is doing great work in my life--quiet work, nothing huge or obvious, but great nonetheless. He is working on my contentment. In the Bible it says "Contentment with godliness is great gain". How right He is! I used to understand the verse to mean "great spiritual gain", but I understand now that it is also tremendous personal gain for myself and my family. I LIKE being content! Not striving, not stewing, not fretting. Just a happy little bee buzzing around my hive with my two little baby bees humming beside me, filling our time with work, service, and learning until daddy bee comes home :).

I am very rarely content. I have always felt a sense of striving. I am not sure why. Sometimes it is because I am discontent with my surroundings. Sometimes it is because I am discontent with myself (often that is the case, actually). I will sometimes keep a constant dialogue in my head of discontent and condemnation of myself. I felt it land square on top of me yesterday, and I spent much time in irritation at things not working right, at the cold, at myself for not watching the clock better. I started begging the Lord for us to move. I realize now that when I allow myself to do that, I get into a temper tantrum, so I stopped begging. I might not be CONTENT to be here, but at least I can stop putting fuel on the fire!

This morning i read a WONDERFUL blog...one I had not been to in a few weeks. Lady Lydia had an absolutely beautiful piece on contentment. http://homeliving.blogspot.com/ It filled me with ...well contentment! I realized that this is some of the work that the Lord is working in me right now--to be content.

I do not know why I fight contentment--it feels so wonderful! It is peaceful and pleasant, altogether wonderful. I fight it, though, because I think I will be HAPPY if things are the way I want them, when really I am called to find JOY and CONTENTMENT and PEACE, no matter what the circumstances.

What is the difference between joy and happiness? Many people do not see a difference. FOR ME, and this is me, I am reminded of a phrase I heard once "Happiness depends on happenings". Happiness is the emotion we get when things are going right in our lives (again, this is my opinion).

I did a VERY quick search in both the NIV and the KJV of happy/happiness, content/contentment, and joy/joyful to see what context they were used and how many times those words came up. This was a VERY unscientific search (I would need to go back to the original Aramaic and Hebrew to see root words, etc) but it did give me a very interesting overview:

In the Word, when looking up happy/happiness vs joy/joyful, most of the time when "happy" was used, it denoted an emotion about a positive event. For example, a woman finding herself with child, a master who calls a servant to share in the good things the master has ("come share in your master's happiness"), or even Haman when he thought he was going to get rewarded. Nearly all the verses have something to do with events that one would expect someone to be happy in.

Joy, however, is often associated with the Lord and seems to have deep spiritual roots. Praising Him with joy, or finding joy in suffering, or joy after sorrow, or joy in the Lord. Joy seems to have a deep, abiding presence, even if the "happenings" do not seem good.

Now, of course there is overlap between the two! And this does not mean that we should not be happy when the Lord has blessed us--in fact, quite the opposite! Praise Him for His mighty blessings in your life! He brings happiness to your life. He gives you moments of just pure happiness, where you can just ....well....be happy!

But to me joy is sort of like "love thy enemy" thing, and happiness is more like love that you would feel for people whom you enjoy and who bring blessing to your life. Both are quite good, but joy is one of those mysteries of the Lord that the unsaved do not understand--how you can praise the Lord even when you are in the midst of stressful or difficult situations. It is joy I think, more than happiness, that we can demonstrate in our lives to the unsaved to bring them to Christ. They already know how to be happy...but do they know the Source of joy?

Contenment falls in line, from the quick reading I read, with joy. Though not mentioned often in the Word, contentment is not dependent of what is going on in your life, but rather something deep to strive for "Godliness with contenment is great gain" and "Be content with what you have". The only two physical conditions that I saw associated with contentment were food and clothing. Anything else is just icing.

I will be honest, I fluctuate between joy (and contentment) and happiness (looking at my happenings). The only thing that saves me, I think, from making a big huge mess in my discontent is remembering Sarai (before she became Sarah) and how she lost patience about not having a baby, did not wait on the Lord, and tried to rush the Lord. I am terrified of rushing the Lord and making a mess (though I have definitely made messes before!). I know that the Lord knows what I want to be happy. But I am realizing that He wants me to be content and joyful. It is a slow lesson for me to learn! But that blog entry by Lady Lydia was balm to my spirit and mind.

What is the Lord teaching you in your life? He might be teaching you contentment too! Or maybe He is teaching you joy or patience, industry or forgiveness for yourself or for others.

He always works in your life....have you sat down today away from people, the computer, the tv, the radio, the phone and just said "Lord, what lesson are You having me learn?" and then think carefully about your recent life and see what work He is doing? Give it a try. Understand that He is teaching you EVERY minute. For me, that builds my faith because I get restless if I think that my life is in freefall, that He is not there every second. But when I realize that He is working, that makes me better--I do not feel as restless or striving.

If you do not mind, if you read this, post what the Lord is teaching you. You do not have to go into details at all if you do not want to...in fact, if He is guiding you from a personal sin, you can just say "He is guiding me from a personal sin" or "He is teaching me obedience" or something. I find it faith building for myself when I speak (either vocally or in writing) the work that the Lord is doing in my life.

So what is He teaching you today? If you do not know, go ask! :-)

Joy Comes In The Morning! Amen!

Good morning my beautiful sisters!~

It has been a couple of weeks since I have written--so much has been going on!

The Lord has guided me through the month of September and the early part of October. It has been a very hard few weeks. BUT He is incredibly good and kind and has taught me so much!

One evening, after having an argument with my husband, plus the stacks upon stacks of stresses and woes, I was at the end of my rope. I thought things would NEVER get better, would NEVER be better. I had no idea how I was going to live the rest of my life without joy, without hope, with just fear and dread for tomorrow.

I was mired in a depression of the SOUL. Now, let me say that I am pretty much NEVER depressed. I get down, I get pouty, I get irritable. I get listless or restless, but USUALLY a night of sleep is all I need because my mind or my emotions might be depressed, but my spirit is still bright. That evening, I had no hope at all. This sum of my recent days had left my spirit wounded. I do not think I had ever felt that before--seriously wounded in my spirit.

I got my Bible and went to the living room. I was overcome with shame, anger, loss, fear, indignation, and sorrow. I knew this to be a crisis point--a point where my choice in that moment would be an important, life changing one. My choice was this: trust the Lord and REALLY SERIOUSLY give everything to Him OR choose to lick my wounds, feel the shame, stay angry, nurse the fear, refuse to forgive and be forgiven.

It seems on paper a really easy choice. It is not that easy in the middle of the night, cold and tear stained, with your tummy hurting from crying and after fighting with your husband and having pain upon fear levied on you nearly every day.

Ladies, it was a miracle of the Lord. I just, by His Grace, made the right decision. I do not know how, because I did not FEEL any hope at all. But my father told me once: faith in good times is not faith. I do not remember if I thought of that that night, but it really fits.

I praised the Lord. I read Psalm 117 which the Lord had shown me a few evenings back when my friend K was im'ing with me and I was down. (He knew what was coming!)

1 Praise the LORD, all nations; Laud Him, all peoples! 2 For His lovingkindness is great toward us, And the truth of the LORD is everlasting. Praise the LORD!

The Lord showed me that I had to give up my past to Him, that I needed to let go. He showed me that I have to have faith in Him, to trust that He WILL bless me. See, I KNEW the Lord's will would be done. I was just afraid that His will was for me to suffer horribly. But that is not the Lord. He is not wanton. We will suffer, yes. We will have pain, yes. But we are not abandoned nor destroyed. He IS FAITHFUL AND MERCIFUL. He has LOVINGKINDNESS for us.

There is a purpose to every pain. It is like childbirth: there is pain so profound sometimes that you have no idea if it will ever end, but then there is the child, the blessing from that pain. When you are in the pain, it seems like there is no blessing that can overcome it, nothing worth the pain you are feeling right now. But there is. He will provide it.

It has been a many days since that happened, and the change has been amazing. That morning I woke up and really apologised to my husband. I had apologised the night before, but I really did not mean it. I said it because I was supposed to say it and then thought "HEY! Wait a minute! *I* am not the one who did wrong here!" (really I was the one who did wrong, but I did not feel it at the time). But the next morning, I had that sweet type of remorse where you know that you are really sorry, but that you will apologise from your heart and earnestly do better.

Two days later felt like Christmas! I just woke up one morning and felt that wonderful excitement for the day, just like Christmas. It was a morning full of joy. What is even odder is that my daughter (who had no idea all this was going on) said "You know what? For some reason it feels like Christmas.". I love getting confirmation like that!

Ps 30:5 For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

In the days that have followed, there have been trials, things that would normally be very wearying, but they are momentary and light, and the blessings have abounded. BUT nothing has changed in our circumstances. There has been no great news, nothing changing in the things that had made me so despondent and fearful. But there has been an INWARD change. There is peace in the storm, not a cessation of the storm. I know the storm will end. I know the Lord has a plan and I know it will be wonderful. I had never known TRUE hope until this month. Faith, yes; obedience, occasionally {smile}; but not true hope until now.

Romans 5
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

And also about hope and the love of God, even when things try to overcome us

Romans 8:18-39
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. 23 And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. 24 For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.
26 In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; 27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; 30 and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? 33 Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; 34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 Just as it is written,
"FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED."

37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Whew.....

My beautiful sisters.....

Yet again I have been absent for a week or two. First I had been working hard on that book. But then we have been buffeted by bad news the past week or so. We found out that TWS is set to deploy, AND he has had at least two MAJOR disappointments at work, and all of these things seem to be oddly orchestrated for reasons we do not know.

I will tell you, this has been quite a difficult time for us. Now, I am a military wife, I know the drill about deployments. My father was in the military, and he did not see my whole first year due to being deployed. Grandfathers, uncles, cousins, in laws, etc etc, are or have been military. This is not a new thing for us.

BUT we do not know why politics SEEM to be playing such a role (they might not, they just seem to be). It is not that he has to deploy (we accept that that will probably happen when we are in the military), but the manner in which this is coming up, as well as other disappointments in the job.

It is like TWS said to people who work for him "It is not that I had to tell her that I was deploying. It is that I had no answer as to why it was happening this way.".

If I may....TWS is one of the most honorable, patriotic men I have ever met. It kills him that he was not born on the 4th of July. He is GOOD with his troops, is one of those who does not sit back and watch work being done, but will jump in there to move crates or do anything else that needs to be done. He does not tolerate foolishness gladly, but is also VERY slow to anger. He is trustworthy enough that when we married, I insisted on having "love, honor and OBEY" in my vows, even though that wording raised an eyebrow or two. Being submissive to him is, thank the Lord, easy. He is just a good man.

Now, we have natural fear of him deploying--no one wants their loved one in harms way. But more than that, there are....questions about HOW and WHY these things are playing out. We do not know what is going on, only that it seems that we are being kept in the dark about many ....unusual situations at work. If they said "Hey, we know this is bad for you, but we really need you to do xyz, to accept abc because you are the man we know who can get this done. We trust your ability." then TWS would take one for the team. But even that small comfort has not been forthcoming. That hurts, to be honest.

I have to brag on my man though. He feels sure that he is being played. And yet, his focus is on making transition easy on the person to follow him and the person who is getting the job that he should have gotten. He is being altogether honorable and noble. He is putting aside his own desires and hurts and disappointments and is working for the good of others. I have never been so proud of him in all my life.

We have found out that the position he is to take is fraught with danger....more than we would have expected for his career field. I had to ask how they might let us know if he had been killed, who would come to the door. We might not get to talk much (I was kinda hoping for a lot of text messaging or im's!). There are even more frightening things that we have found out.

I will tell you, this is a spiritual attack. Every time I started to find ground, started to find my feet, another tidbit of scary or disappointing news would come to my attention with stupefying regularity. It actually had almost gotten comical. You ever have those times where so many things are going SO wrong, that the ridiculousness of it almost makes you want to laugh?

Of course with this comes added strain on relationships and on ourselves. I praise the Lord for a husband who is kind and gentle with me, when I am upset and frustrated. I am thankful for His presence that tells me exactly what I need to hear and do, even though sometimes I do not listen (bad mistake...ALWAYS listen when the Holy Spirit is trying to calm you down! If the Lord is interceding, trying to soothe you, then do what He says, even if it seems impossible. If He says "Praise Me" then do it. If He says "My grace is sufficient for you" then rest in that. If He says "Stop crying right now and go....be with your husband" then do it even if closeness is the VERY LAST THING you could possibly imagine right then.).

Truly the deeper the pain, the greater the grace that the Lord provides. There are times where I am just so weary, still licking the wounds of my grandmother being gone, my mother being sick. The sun is leaving and it has snowed already. We normally live such a calm, mundane, UN-dramatic life, but this month has been one of breath-stealing trauma.

The other day I was in the throes of despondency. I felt the pain of every second and every second seemed to stretch for an eternity. It was a bad night for both of us, discussing our fears, venting our frustrations, and the Holy Spirit urging me to do things that seemed TOTALLY impossible for me--praise, faith, joy and rest in Him. I left the room and went to another room and decided that I would just focus on Christ for a moment. After all, I have the rest of my life to weep and gnash my teeth, so I finally listened to the Holy Spirit and put everything aside to turn my focus FULLY to Jesus for just a moment.....

Ladies, it was beyond explanation or expectation. THERE is where I found peace. Right there in that moment. In that moment, literally in the blink of an eye, all those daggers that had been piercing my mind and my heart and my soul were gone. I smiled. I ACTUALLY smiled. It was like......the pain was instantly gone. It was like childbirth was over and there was just joy and rest. In Him. TWS joined me, the Lord had given him the wisdom to leave me alone for a moment. By the time that TWS came into the room, I was refreshed in my spirit and mind, joyful and at peace ONLY by the grace of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. Amen.

I had learned that lesson once when my grandmother passed. I remember being in the same position of wanting to leave Alaska, wanting to go to the south, being so discontent. But when I truly focused on the Lord, those feelings were gone, replaced by assurance and faith and GRACE.

I wish I could say the lesson stuck when I first learned it a few weeks ago...apparently I have the long term memory of a gnat (sigh). So I had to relearn that lesson. Please ladies, if you are in pain, try this. Put your human fears and wants and desires aside for just a moment to focus SOLELY on Him. Take down those guards that you have built up in your heart and mind. Be like Mary, not focused on what you think needs to happen to make your life go smoothly, but sit at His feet and LOOK at Him. Without expectation, just in worship. This is not about you in that moment, but about Him. I cannot tell you, when you reach that place, how sweet the moment is. It puts everything into perspective. It is everything you need, even if your circumstances have not changed. It is rest for your souls and light for your eyes. It is peace in your mind and joy in your heart. It is altogether wonderful to turn your focus on to Him.

I was telling Colastie about it. I like to use the analogy of faith like a horse in a burning barn. From what I have read, a horse in a burning barn will panic. A groom has to blindfold the horse to lead them to safety. Even if safe, the horse will become irrationally focused on the burning barn and might run back into it!!! The horse has to not look at the barn in order to be led to safety and then to be kept in safety.

So with us....when we look around us at the burdens and trials and fears in our lives, we forget that we are saved by the blood of the Lamb. We forget that He has promised us blessing, peace, joy, love, forgiveness. He has promised us He will work out even the worst things for our good. When we are looking at the fire, we forget that we dwell in the sweet, green grass of His pasture.

That is what I was doing. I was running back into the fires of fear, of discontent, of frustration, of selfishness, of discord. I was trying to tend to my own needs, not the needs of my dear, wonderful husband who needs to know that he is a hero, a good man, and that some people do not see that, but that does not mean that he isn't....it means that they are blinded.

I was still praying to God, make no mistake! I was praying LOUDLY and OFTEN. But I was not focusing on Him, but on the troubles and sorrows. I thought I needed delivery from the fire, but He had already delivered me from the fire. I just needed to look at Him, to listen to Him, to rest in HIS strength and decision, not my own.

Is anyone as hard headed as I am??

Sisters, this has left me in a bit of bind though as to how to speak to others about this. I want to be godly and bring glory to the Lord, but then sometimes I want to march up there and say "WHAT IS GOING ON?! HAVE Y'ALL LOST YOUR MINDS?!?". I mean, at some point I might be offered the chance to talk to some people at his work. How do I bring glory to the Lord in this? How do I use this as an opportunity to gently point out some very obvious flaws in judgement that we have seen made without seeming bitter (because I REALLY am not, the Lord works all things out for the good of those who love Him) or angry (I am not that either, the Lord is in control)?

I know that we will be victorious in this, that the schemes of men will be used by the Lord to bring glory to Him and that good will come out of it for us.

I have assurance that the Lord is working. I have assurance that there is something that is going to happen. I have NO idea what it is. I have what *I* want to happen, of course! I am totally blinded as to what it might be that the Lord has for us in this. But He keeps giving me a sense of assurance. I like to think that He is keeping me blind on purpose, so that I can learn to rest in Him fully. Maybe this is my blindfold as He leads me out of the burning barn of my continuing human weaknesses into even sweeter pastures of faith.

We still need your prayers. I am not naive enough to think the spiritual attacks are ceased. While I know that I am safe resting in Him, I also know that I am weak enough to fall back into habits of focusing on my self. TWS also needs your prayers of encouragement and safety. The people at work, especially, need your prayers, both those in charge and those who serve (who are seeing not just the stuff with TWS, but unrelated ridiculousnesses that are leaving morale ROCK bottom and allowing confusion to reign). Those in position need prayers for wisdom and discernment and good judgement. We need wisdom to answer everyone with the right words in each moment. I know my Lord provides wisdom for those who ask and who DO NOT DOUBT as per James 1:5, so I know that we will be given that wisdom. Please pray for the strengthening of those who do not know James 1 so that they learn they can ask for wisdom and that it will be given.

I hate to burden y'all. I know that you do not come to blogs to be weighed down with drama and trauma. But I am hopeful that the lessons I am learning blindly will be of some assistance if, God forbid, you have to face your own trials. I would much rather just learn the lesson for all of us and to post my failings and how He provides, than you have to learn these the hard way without anyone to say "Yes! I have been there! This is what He has shown me, use these lessons and be at peace.".

As one tagline that I read said "It might very well be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others" hee hee!

God bless you, my dear, sweet sisters in Christ. Know that you are in my heart and on my mind, but most of all are in His heart and on His mind.

Up and down

My beautiful sisters....

I think it is good for all of us to share our struggles as well as our triumphs. It is heartening to see that someone struggles with the same sin we do, and to have them tell us how they succeed in overcoming. Plus we can pray for each other.

When I last wrote, I was feeling pretty good. I felt that the Lord was really working in my life, that the lessons were painful but productive. Then yesterday happened. Honestly I was in such an emotional morass that I could not even get my head above water. Thank the Good Lord for my sweet TWS who was patient and listened. (However, I DO know that if TWS was not there, the Lord would have sent someone else to help me, or would have helped me Himself....He never leaves us alone!).

I had spent another restless, sleep deprived night the night before, so I was running on empty anyway.

However, in the morning, we got a call that TWS might have to deploy. It is not a sudden deployment or anything, but it ripped out of my hand the barest of emotional control that I had at that moment. Again, everything came tumbling down. I was crying, spun up. It was not the deployment per se, I married a military man and we have been more than blessed in his assignments. I was just thinking "He has not even been out of the woods for 12 hours, I have not been sleeping, I am still fragile from the death of my grandmother...I cannot face this right now. Tomorrow I could face it, but not right now.".

Now, just to give you an example of HOW fragile I was.....we have old Andy Griffith episodes on DVD (we do not like the modern day sitcoms). Precious had been watching them the day before, but some of them were TOO STRESSFUL FOR ME TO HANDLE. Yep. There was just too much drama with Opie and Aunt Bea for me to handle....how pathetic is that????

To put THAT in perspective, one thing that I have handled beautifully in my life, thank the Lord, was when we were in Florida, a hurricane was coming, and TWS told me I would have to start preparing for us to evac (me, Precious, who was two at the time, one dog, two cats and no husband...he would have to stay behind). I must say that I handled that with excitement and determination, thank the Lord. We ended up not having to evac, but I was ready, calm, capable. I have "played camp out" in the closet with my young child during tornadoes, have ridden out a RIDICULOUSLY long earthquake with both young kids without panic, but with aplomb. So I REALLY CAN handle stressful things sometimes....but this week is not one of those times. I could not even handle Andy Griffith re runs.

Anyway, I also had a disagreement with my mom. It was not a fight at all, it was just a difference of opinion. But if I could not handle the stress of the election of a new city council member on Andy Griffith, I certainly could not handle thinking my mother was upset with me.

So I did something I should not have done....started looking at property where I want to be. I know, I know. That was STUPID. It was like a recovering alcoholic going to a bar. With all of that going on, I melted down. I knew I was never EVER going to win the battle in my mind. I WANT to be "happy" and cheerful and content, but I was convinced it was NEVER EVER going to happen. It occurred to both TWS and I that even if we moved somewhere warm, the mess in my spirit would still be there. I KNOW that is a fact because I finally figured out that the root of this problem is NOT my location or how far from family I am. It is not where I live or who I am with, because there are times when I FINALLY give to the Lord, FINALLY trust Him that I am actually FINE with being so far! I do not fear the cold or the snow...I do not even think about it! For a brief moment, i am content and my faith is strong.

No, the problem is not my location, it is my attitude. I was not trusting the Lord that He has a GOOD LIFE planned for me. His goal is not to make me miserable! AND He promised EVERY believer joy and peace. Now, if you do not feel joy and peace, it is NOT NOT NOT because you do not HAVE it, it is because you do not USE it. I knew that, but it is hard to remember when you are being attacked spiritually. The Lord has blessing and strength innumerable for us, like brand new cars in a garage that goes on forever, but WE have to drive them. WE have to make the effort to go out to the garage of our spiritual growth, pour the fuel of faith in the tanks, and hop into those cars and DRIVE them. They do us no good if we deny they are there, or if we will not use them.

Now, I know that there have been massive spiritual attacks on me, because the things that are piling on have gotten ridiculous. Have you ever had one of those days where you just stop and think "Ok, now THIS is getting ridiculous. There is no way that this much can be going this wrong at once."? Have you ever had those days where you are thinking "SERIOUSLY, xyz sin is not even one I WANT to indulge in! Not even a little bit! In fact, it is so utterly dispicable to me that it is not even a little bit "fun"...it irritates me!"? It feels so very unfair, like your best efforts to fight a sin are in vain. That is when the spiritual attacks are at their strongest, and that is where I was yesterday.

I poured my heart out to TWS and he brought up some very important points:
a) It is not all about me. No really, not everything that happens is about me! lolol
b) I needed to stop focusing on my "worst sin" and take into account the full balance of my life. NOW, that does NOT mean "Oh I am a pretty good person overall...." type thinking, but when all you do is stare at the worst of your life, you do not take the time to praise the Lord for His working in your life. The Lord gives me great grace in so many areas, but I do not think of those when I am focusing on my worst sin. I have to look in balance, so that I work on the things that I need to, accept grace on the things I need to, and praise the Lord for His work that He has accomplished in me already...things I struggled with at one point but no longer do.

So yesterday I decided that for the rest of the day I was NOT going to dwell on trying to battle that one sin of discontent. I was just going to focus on good things. It is AMAZING what happened. I told TWS that I was afraid I would get proud and haughty. I was afraid that the sin I was staring at would overwhelm me. In this case, neither happened. I spent the rest of the day in productive, kind discussion with TWS on how I could be a better wife AND what I was doing well (in the interest of "balance" ;-) ). That gave me good perspective: I had weak points and grace points so I could be thankful that my husband appreciated some points, and I was encouraged to work on my weak points. Then we cooked supper together and went to bed early.

And because I was no longer staring at my belly button (or the houses that are for sale where I would want to live!), the Lord was able to keep me from falling deep into the sin of discontent. In this type of sin, distraction can work VERY well. The Lord can do His work in my life without me constantly getting in the way. I am not sure if this makes sense or not, but it does to me in a weird way.

It is kinda like this: I read that a horse, led out of a burning barn, will run back INTO that barn, even if they are safely in pasture. They focus so much on the flames, that they are drawn to them. They jerk out of the hands of their caregiver and run back into the barn. This is how I feel in this.
There are some sins that one has to be FIRM about--action sins are ones that one has to DECIDE to do or DECIDE not to do, and therefore one has to be on guard to NOT do those. I have to DECIDE not to cuss, DECIDE to wear something modest, DECIDE not to flirt or to lose my temper or rob a bank.
But some sins, thought sins, sometimes need a change in focus, at least for me. The brain can only think about one thing at a time. If I am dwelling on fighting my discontent, I am still focusing on discontentedness. I am still staring at those flames, and ignoring the safe green sweet pasture that I dwell in. I am not focusing on my Father, but on myself, my discontent. I am not focusing on my blessings. It seems wrong to not be WORKING on my sin, but on the other hand, I guess I am.....I am working on it by NOT focusing on it, but by focusing on my blessings or what's for supper or anything else in the world. I am not giving the enemy a foothold, thanks be to the Lord. (btw, we have to be VERY careful not to let even a HINT of what MIGHT turn out to be discontent into our brains. For me, I cannot dwell on the fact that my feet are cold, because that will turn into "and winter is coming, and I hate the cold, and it will be dark and I hate the dark and we live in alaska and other people have warm weather, and all my family is in warm weather and I am all alone....!". NO! We have to be careful in every thought, make it captive to Christ!).

OH! And get this! Today's homeschool devotional from Alpha Omega spoke to EXACTLY what I was going through yesterday! Here is a bit: I'm feeling selfish today....I want to escape somewhere. My life seems like it's not my own, and I resent the fact that I can't do what I want, when I want. Homeschooling requires me to be so disciplined, and I'm starting to feel trapped. I want to take a break....I feel like a huge burden is on my back.

...you have to give yourself 100% and commit... Like the man who calculated the cost in building a tower or the king who assessed his army before he went to war (Luke 14:27-33), following the Lord's call ....requires giving your all. Yes, God knows when you need to rest and will show you how to catch your breath, but He also asks His disciples to carry their cross. So who will you follow today, yourself or the Lord? "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me" (Luke 9:23b).

Lord, forgive my attitude and help me refocus on the call You gave.... Teach me again that Your will and Your way is better than any life I can conceive. I love You and thank You for my family. In Jesus' name, Amen."

The Lord is so good! He tells us EXACTLY what is going on in our lives! Now, I cut out most bits that talked specifically about homeschooling, because it does not matter if the problem is about homeschooling, about marriage, about where you live, about what you do. It is a problem of lack of trusting the Lord and focus on self and discontentedness.

OH, here is one thing to remember....I do not know about you, but I was stuck on the "But what if God wants me never to have what I want in this? What if I am stuck here forever?!?!?!". No, that is in error. We ask for what we want because we think that will bring us peace and joy. INSTEAD the Lord makes it to where we can have peace and joy, no matter what we have! Let me repeat that.....having what we want does NOT give us peace and joy, because peace and joy comes from the Lord**. He directs our life, sometimes not where we want it, AND gives us peace and joy! Doesn't that make perfect sense? He directs our paths, but knows that some of those paths are going to be different from our will. So He also provides us peace and joy so that we can walk the paths we NEED to walk to grow, and yet not get discouraged and lose heart! The path might be rocky, but He provides pillows for our feet!

We need to understand that the Lord provided us peace and joy, REGARDLESS of our situation....but again we have to embrace it! We can choose to ignore peace and joy that He gives, thinking we can only have it if we get what we want. But that is us thinking with our pitiful human minds....like a toddler who thinks they will only be happy if they get to eat every cookie on the plate. The Lord knows what we need, knows when we need it. AND AND AND AND He makes it that we can have peace and joy in the storms of our lives.

(**SHAW, my dear faithful friend, was trying to tell me this, get me to understand this for weeks. God bless her for a faithful, patient woman! He has been trying to get me to understand this through just about everyone I talk to! Praise the Lord that He has patience and has a lot of godly people who are willing to be used for His glory....and to be used to try to get me to pay attention....)

When I was in error the past weeks, I kept telling TWS "But it is like having a great life, but just broke your leg. No matter what wonderful things you have, your leg STILL HURTS!". That was my human mind, not understanding what the Lord's TRUE glory and TRUE grace is. When the Lord gives blessing, He adds no sorrow to it. My broken leg analogy was not a true analogy. The Lord is SO VERY faithful, that the discontent in our lives is actually removed, taken away, when we have peace and joy. The discontent is GONE when we are in peace and joy.
Yes, there are still painful things that happen in our lives. I am not saying that no bad thing will ever happen :-). I am referring to the mental sins we have of discontent and lack of trust in the Lord. I was not trusting that the Lord would provide PEACE for me while I lived in His will. I REALLY DO want to live in His will, but I was afraid that I would SUFFER in His will for years. If He chose for me to not get the things I desire most--living near family and being somewhere warm and humid--then I was afraid that I would NEVER EVER be happy...just be resigned.

But the Lord does not WANT us to be merely resigned! That is not a full, Christian life. We cannot bring others to the Lord by just enduring His will. THAT IS NOT A WITNESS and it is not what the Lord is wanting for us. We might not always be HAPPY, but He does want us to have JOY and PEACE so that we can minister to others, will praise Him, and will bring others to Him. So if there is a situation in our lives where we are discontent, the Lord HAS made a way for you to have PEACE AND JOY. It does not matter if you get what you want, because peace and joy are a gift from the Lord to believers, and you can have peace and joy in the Lord, even if you do not get what you want. God said that "godliness with contentment is great gain"....I think this is what He meant.

I tell ya, that lesson was nigh unto impossible for me yesterday until I stopped looking at what I was discontent about. THEN peace and joy could come. I could not have faith AND stare longingly at what I was discontent about. I had to turn my back on the fire of my discontent and stare at the sweet pasture.

I will tell you, this was not on my strength at all. I was a basket case. Seriously, I was a mental and emotional wreck. No, this was the Lord working in my life. This was Jesus's power being made perfect in my weakness. This was not me, this was Him! If there is any inspiration from this, it is from Him.....I did nothing at all to deserve or earn or make this happen. I simply followed what the Lord was telling me through TWS and through the Holy Spirit. I was being led through the barn and into the field.
I just do not want anyone thinking that I deserve any accolades or praise or was "good" in this. I was dreadful and disobedient. The only thing that I DID do--and frankly it was because I was too exhausted to do otherwise--was to allow myself to be led. I had no faith that it would work, I was just too tired to argue or think.

My dear sisters, pray for me. TBH, I am still afraid that this lesson will not stick and I DESPERATELY want it to. The thing is that when I am right in the Lord, when I have peace, I have PEACE! I get it! It makes sense! But it is hard to smell the sweet grass when I am focusing on the fire. I can't say "I am NOT going to focus on the fire" because that is still focusing on the fire. It is like telling someone "DON'T look down!"--well what is the very first thing they do? LOOK DOWN!

Please pray that I will turn my back to the fire and not be tempted to "peek"! Please let's pray for all of us, because we all, at some points in our lives, have this battle about something. It might be when we cannot find a mate. We might not be able to have children. We might be located somewhere we do not want to be. We might have a death in the family or be facing an illness. We probably all will find something that wears at our soul when we know we want peace and need peace. Lots of spiritual attacks, slings and arrows, will be focused on our attempts at resting in the Lord. Sometimes our battle is not to race in and fight, but just to stand, as it says in Ephesians.

God bless and keep you, dear sisters!

Sweeping up....

My beautiful sisters!

Whew, I tell you what, with me it is either feast or famine! :-)

I wanted to sweep up a few details, a few funnies, ask for a few prayers. Generally knot up the loose ends from this past couple of weeks....

First of all, prayers: please pray for our family. My mom, dad, aunts, cousins, uncles who are dealing with the passing of my grandmother. I think everyone is healing, is finding peace, but I am not sure. Please pray for them. Please pray that this is a situation that brings together, not tears apart, as deaths in the family can either make a family stronger or tear them apart.

And please thank the Lord for me and with me that my grandmother's passing was so peaceful. I really cannot tell you what a blessing it was!

Please pray for SHAW's sister as she is very sick and needs healing AND encouragement.

Please continue to pray for that veteran of a few posts ago.

Please pray for the Palin's, as they deal with the politics and the personal challenges they face.

Please pray for our brothers and sisters in the path of the hurricanes--wow they are lining up one by one aren't they? My dear, wonderful, beautiful cousin is working with evacuee children...Please pray for her, as she does not know how wonderful and beautiful she is, but she has ALWAYS had the most wonderful spirit. I miss her terribly.

Please pray for the safety of the hunters as our hunting season has opened in earnest and many of us up here are relying on hunting to provide food for our family. Alaska is very expensive to live, and the price of gas is NOT falling here, neither is the price of fuel oil. So hunting food instead of buying it is such a wonderful provision from the Lord. Please pray that all those who need the food can be successful, and pray that everyone is kept safe.

There are so many people to pray for! The unborn, the abused, the sorrowed, the lost. Please understand that our prayers ARE necessary and ARE doing something. Remember that our battle is NOT AT ALL against flesh and blood but against rulers and principalities in the heavenly realms. Please read Ephesians 6:10-20 and ponder it in your heart, especially when we tend to hurry our prayers or think they are not effective.


Ephesians 6 (Young's Literal Translation, one of my favorites, taken from Crosswalk.com)
6:10 As to the rest, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might;
6:11 put on the whole armour of God, for your being able to stand against the wiles of the devil,
6:12 because we have not the wrestling with blood and flesh, but with the principalities, with the authorities, with the world-rulers of the darkness of this age, with the spiritual things of the evil in the heavenly places;
6:13 because of this take ye up the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to resist in the day of the evil, and all things having done -- to stand.
6:14 Stand, therefore, having your loins girt about in truth, and having put on the breastplate of the righteousness,
6:15 and having the feet shod in the preparation of the good-news of the peace;
6:16 above all, having taken up the shield of the faith, in which ye shall be able all the fiery darts of the evil one to quench,
6:17 and the helmet of the salvation receive, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the saying of God,
6:18 through all prayer and supplication praying at all times in the Spirit, and in regard to this same, watching in all perseverance and supplication for all the saints --
6:19 and in behalf of me, that to me may be given a word in the opening of my mouth, in freedom, to make known the secret of the good news,
6:20 for which I am an ambassador in a chain, that in it I may speak freely -- as it behoveth me to speak.

If this translation is difficult (I have seen it said that YLT is good in hebrew, but light on English, as this translation was actually striving to be VERY literal). It is important that we know that we are to pray, that our strength comes from the Lord and His might, and that the Spirit knows what we need to pray for when we do not. (We should do a study on prayer sometime. I will admit that while I do pray and often, I have not actually thought much about it. Hmmm....)



Ok, more sweepings.....
A couple of funny things....for some reason, when I was very upset about my grandmother, everyone tried to find things for me to do! Precious kept trying to come up with ideas, such as games and the like, and TWS suggested that I could redecorate the bedroom while he was gone (chuckle).

Now, I know what they were trying to do, and I DEEPLY appreciate it! They know that I am a project person and were trying to give me things to do to keep me occupied. It just kinda cracks me up :-).

I tell you what I DID do....

I played bubble shooter.

Yep, that is pretty much it! Ok, not really, I did more than that, but bubble shooter was SUCH a blessing to me (thank you Kayla!!! You have no idea how much it helped!). It is one of those games you have to be VERY careful with because it is a colossal time waster. No, seriously. DREADFUL!

BUT what it also was to me was something that required JUST enough of my brain so that I could not spin up into even more of an emotional mess. I could think and even pray, but I could not DWELL and be MOROSE. Yesterday I kept a game of bubble shooter open and an MSWORD document page open. I would shoot bubbles, and write to the Lord. Shoot more bubbles, write more to the Lord. Bubble shooting kept my emotions more at bay, because it was distracting BUT it was not so engrossing that I could not ponder things and pray. It was SUCH a blessing! I played until I could literally barely see from the eye strain.

I have spent a ton of time talking to my brother and sister in law. I have chatted with my cousin and my father and my mom. I have started a painting (see, I DID need a project!). I shot my bow. Precious Heart and I went to town and got conditioner and went to the candy store and to chilis for lunch. I watched the weather channel, preseason football, and live streaming video from a tv station in New Orleans for Gustav (thank the Lord that He blew the strength out of that one! I was praying!). I almost finished sewing a dress for Precious and cut out some more.

I think I am most grateful, and feel good that, I spent the first few days after my grandmother passed just doing nothing. I know that it worried people around me GREATLY, but I just needed a couple of days of no responsibilities, of no pressures, very little activity. Oh I could have kept that going and kept mourning and sorrowful for longer, but I was afraid that I would sink into a depression that way. I liked to think of it sort of like three days of darkness when Jesus died, then a new day. For some reason, three days of stillness, sorrow and full up mourning seems appropriate, then a gradual return to life. At least for me, at least in this situation. I still miss my grandmother, and I still get sad. But thank the Lord that I am not eaten up with her passing, but that the Lord put me back on my feet, gradually, and with me leaning on His arm. Each day my legs are getting stronger, and I am returning back to duties and responsibilities. I could almost cry as I see how He is being patient with me, giving me enough time to heal, but also gently urging me to get back in the game. He sat by my spiritual bedside for many days, being faithful (as always!) and kind, teaching me and comforting me. Now His strong arm is around my shoulder. He is actually too kind for me to even comprehend....I know that there is more, but my brain cannot actually wrap my head around it....like a math puzzle I just cannot understand. But I am thankful and eager that one day I will know as I am fully known!

Oh I did learn another thing--I keep trying to get grace on my strength not His. Oh my sisters, I will NEVER learn this lesson!!! Ok, I will learn it, but MAN I am hard headed!!! No wonder He brought me to the edge of the frontier--I am as distractable as a ping pong ball on drugs. :-)

Well I probably need to stop writing now...I have to start printing out records for the children's schooling. We school year round....not because of any reason but that I tend to want to take days off here and there, and I do not want us to fall behind. I want to be able to take a week for hunting, or a day because I would rather bake cinnamon rolls and read Trixie Belden mysteries :-).

I love you my beautiful sisters. Please take care of yourselves and your families and be heartened and cheered in the Lord. He is always faithful, we just sometimes need to pray for eyes to see His faithfulness :-).

My absence part 2

My beautiful sisters....

I wanted to continue my previous post, as there was just so much to say! How can one put the Lord's glory and provision in times of sorrow in ONE blog post? (smile)

So where was I? The Lord is breaking me down, day by day, but in the kindest of ways. I know that I get afraid of what the Lord would ask of me...and frankly I think it is best that I not know what He has in store for me in the future, because He will need to build my faith to accomplish whatever He wants me to accomplish.

If someone had said "Your grandmother is going to die and you will be almost entirely by yourself through it" two weeks ago, I would not have been able to handle it, or not understood the grace that He would provide. He had to walk me through, minute by minute. NOW I understand.

And do not think that I think that the Lord is only planning scary things for our lives! NO! I have found that even glorious, wonderful things are things that I am not ready for! In those times as well, He has to slowly lead me to the maturity and wisdom that I need to handle them! Right now I am like a toddler who keeps running off at the mall--as soon as I get some freedom or some praise, I run away from my Father's side and start exploring. He has to bring me back to His side (usually with a rebuke and chastisement) because it is not safe for me to wander. So even in good things, even in blessings, He has to walk me through step by step because I cannot handle the headiness of blessings any more than I can handle the sorrow of loss or have the courage required in times where I need to stand my ground.

So if you wonder why you are not being blessed with what you desire, there is a reason. He has His plans and they are NOT to make you miserable but to teach you and to guide you! Now, sometimes we do not get what we want. But even those should be times of praise because we THINK our lives would have been better if we did get what we want, but they would not have.

Here is an example or two. One day I could not find my keys. I looked and looked and they were no where! If I had had the choice, I would have found them. However, because I could not find them, I was home to take the phone call of a friend who needed me. The Lord orchestrated that situation to bring glory to His name, not mine.

Also, I was born with a birth defect and was teased quite mercilessly at times in my life. I was in agony and sorrow. BUT the Lord always provided me with one true friend, I mean a TRUE friend--one you could trust. I always wanted to be popular (don't most girls?), but I never was. Instead of many shallow relationships, I had very few, but they were deep and lasting and bonding.

Also, because I was teased, that "thorn in my flesh" changed my entire personality. I shudder to think of what I would have become without it. I would be even more vain, even more shallow, even more proud and haughty. My defect gave me humility, which is of great worth in God's sight. Now, understand that I am not THAT humble! I needed a very obvious defect to even bring me to what I am now! (imagine how intolerable I would be! lolol). Likewise He brought me to the ends of the earth, almost literally, in order to isolate me so that I would learn to lean on Him. He is always faithful, even during our most painful times, and uses those for our good.

BUT AGAIN, that does not mean that our lives will be nothing but painful! No! With the grace and the patience of the Lord, I am starting to understand what the Lord meant with Jesus and Paul and the thorn. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.". Then Paul said that he delights in difficulties, for when he is weak, then he is strong.

It is scary, but again, the Lord is not going to put us in things we cannot handle. It is kinda like this: when we are young, we dog paddle in the kiddie pool and ride a tricycle and trip over sticks. NO ONE would think of taking that young child and putting them in an Iron Man triathalon. That would be cruel.

BUT the Lord continues to grow us, to groom us, so that we can handle the ocean swim, the miles long bike ride in the hot sun, the run up and down hills. The triathlete does not have the mind of a child thinking "I am just in a kiddie pool! I cannot swim in the ocean!". No, the triathlete has been trained, slowly, over their lives, so that they can achieve greater glory safely.

Likewise the Lord trains us, slowly, so that we can achieve more for Him in spiritual and emotional safety. So do not be afraid of what He might have you do....He is not throwing you into the deep end of the ocean. He will train you, guide you, save you so that you are ready for whatever task or situation you will face. He might need to train you for something happy, like children or an inheritance or being a famous author. OR He might need to train you for something difficult like being a missionary, comforting the dying, or a weather tragedy. In any case, He will not give you more than you can bear, either good or bad. But you have to listen to Him. Someone cannot say "Well, I outgrew the kiddie pool, so i am definitely ready for a triathalon. They have to devote themselves to their Coach and be trained.

So do not worry about tomorrow, either good or bad. It wastes time to stress about what pain or stress you might face, and it wastes time to fret about what you really want that you do not have. He will show you what you need to know, and will give you what you can handle. What you need right now is what you have right now. His goal is to bring us to holiness and to bring others to Him so they may be saved, and our job is to glorify Him. We can do that in pleasure and in sorrow, but our witness is much more obvious in sorrow. It is easy to praise God to others when we just won the lottery....but people PAY ATTENTION more when we praise God when a loved one is sick or when we are standing in line for an hour.

I hope this is making sense. I am praying that it does and that it is neither too much nor too little. If anything I have said is stressful for you, do not let your heart be troubled. Remember, the point is that the LORD is in control, and He is not wanton or unkind. He is merciful and wonderful. He is patient and loving. He provides in all ways at all times. The point is to rest in Him and be at peace because He is guiding you. Soak every bit of wisdom from this moment, without fretting about what you want or what you fear in the future. Don't try to race ahead, and do not dwell in the sorrows, guilt, pain, or resentments of the past. Just rest at His feet and let Him lead you. He is faithful, He will do it.

Glory be to God in the Highest, and in His Son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Spirit, our Counselor who right now dwells in the hearts of those who are called by Him, saved by His name.

My absence

Hello all of my beautiful sisters....

I just wanted to post a quick note about why messages are taking a while for me to post and why i have not posted anything in a bit.

My grandmother passed away last week. She had been terribly ill for a long time. She went very very peacefully...just sort of drifted away. She was saved, so she is with my grandfather in heaven.

But it put me in a bit of a tailspin. She was very upset when I moved to Alaska. I kept promising her that it would only be a short tour, 2-3 years. Then we ended up staying for going on our 9th year now. I know that the Lord knows that I want to go back to the south, and that He shut the doors. He is all merciful and all powerful, and thankfully He listens to His own will, not mine (smile) but it was still painful to know that she died and I never kept my promise to come home (we have visited, but not moved closer).

The first couple of days, I was a mess. I was mourning my grandmother, but even more, I was mourning my "home". I had never lived anywhere longer than three years and a week until we moved here, so where my grandmother lived was my home. My extended family always treated me like a returning lost child when I would go home...lots of love and "darling!" and "How beautiful you are!" and "Oh we miss you so much!". I had been bullied and teased for most of my childhood, so going there for a week was a balm for a year's worth of wounds.

During that time last week, my husband was planning his trip with my son to go hunting. They do this every year, and I love that my son has the chance to be with the men. TWS postponed a day, and said that he REALLY would not mind if I said that I needed them to stay home instead, but I could not do that. So they went.

Now, it might seem that he should have stayed here, but actually the opposite was true. The Lord used my many hours of quiet time, of still time, of down time to teach me, to lead me through this. My whole "main tier" of support was out of pocket at this time: my husband, my best friend (who was traveling across country), my mother (who was mourning the loss of her mother, I could not ask her to counsel me when she was suffering even more than I was!). He brought into my path a wonderful talk with my father AND talking with a cousin whom I had not spoken to in many months, and they both gave me messages from Him. This taught me that the Lord is REALLY my comforter and supporter. He will provide kindness and love and soothing through many people. *HE* is the comforter, not the husband, not the friend, not the child nor the parent. I mean, they DO comfort us! But it is because of the Lord. They shine the light of the Lord to us, those people who mean so much to us! But even if they are not here, He does not allow the light of His love to dim in our lives....He turns on different lamps!

I was never left alone in my spirit and sadness. Sometimes I was DYING for someone to call, to be on the phone, but when literally NO ONE was around (late at night, when people were sleeping, etc) He was there in Person, comforting and counseling me. He is altogether wonderful.

I am fine now. The Lord has taken this time of me being in quiet, of being weak and in mourning, of me being too tired to be strong on my own to teach me so many wonderful things. He will provide that for YOU too, but I found that I have to get rid of what *I* think I need and just lay my heart before the Lord. I mean literally go to Him and say "I have NO idea what to do, what to think. I am waiting for You to help me.". There were times where I begged Him to let someone call or be on instant messenger, but those where the times that no one was...I mean NO ONE! It was weird, because usually there is someone online. Again, He was showing me that HE is the provider of comfort, HE knows what I need and when I need it.

Oh, that reminds me. You might know that we homeschool, well the alpha omega company has a wonderful daily devotional. Even though the devotional message is slanted towards homeschooling, the root messages are Biblical and can apply to every day lives outside of homeschooling. Today the message talked about how the Lord leads us through our lives step by step, each day revealing more of His plan for our lives. He does not usually show us our whole path, but instead says "Take one step. Stay right there. Wait. Take one more step. Turn to the right. Wait.". His timing is perfect, as we humans could not handle all of His truth and teaching in one moment.

I want to encourage you to start today to peel off the layers and the defenses and make time for the Lord. Be patient, as some days are "wait" days and some days are "walk farther, farther, farther" days. You might think He is not talking, but just like in music, pauses are necessary for the whole symphony that is your life to make sense. He IS talking but sometimes He talks with quietness. Sometimes He talks with things you do not even consider, such as an offhand comment from a child or a burned supper.

So start your walk with Him today. Take this moment to STOP STRIVING and let Him lead you. He is faithful and He will do it.

Veteran's Stand Down

Good morning my beautiful sisters! Praise the Lord for His mercy and kindnesses!

This weekend I had the incredible opportunity to go to something called a Veteran's Stand Down. This is a large event where veterans can come to one place and get free lunch and breakfast, free gear (sleeping bags, cots, boots), information about services they are eligible for, legal advice, and medical care.

TWS told me about it a few weeks ago. At first I was eager to go, then some fears got to me (don't ask...they were too stupid for words), then TWS said that he thought they had plenty of people. But then a day or so later he said that ONE of us needed to go, so I went while he stayed home with the babies.

I thought I might volunteer to do vision screening or something of that sort, but when I got there the volunteer coordinator had me handing out bags of food. I will be honest, I wanted something more "Important" or something....maybe health care related. I even said a prayer to the Lord "I wanted to do something IMPORTANT!". But of course I was not going to decline, so I set to work.

Ladies, may I say that the Lord knew EXACTLY where to put me? I mean, I had THE BEST job of the WHOLE stand down!!!! Next year that is EXACTLY the position I want! I got to see everyone coming in and going out. I got to chat with TONS of vets. I got to hand out big safeway bags of food (something that this prepping southern woman just REALLY goes for!). I got to meet the NICEST people! I wore my headcovering and I had a ton of people asking me about it, all nice and respectful to me.

(BTW, that is one reason why I love to wear a headcovering--people will come up and ask and we can talk about faith....something they probably would not do if I was not wearing one)

There was a booth next to me with the most adorable student there. She is either going for her master's or PhD in psychology, I believe. Both she and her supervisor were kind and inquisitive and warm and open. They were a cup of cool water to me, I must say. We talked about our lives, our theories (though they probably did not get many words in edgewise--I tend to go on about things....lol). I probably would not have gotten the chance to talk to them if I had been anywhere else in the conference center.

There were a couple of other people of note. One was a wonderful woman across from me who saw that I was standing and brought a chair for me to sit on. She was smiling and kind and just one of those happy people. There was another woman who started working the booth with me when I sat down for a moment. She looked stern and unhappy, but she was WONDERFUL actually! She chatted and talked, rarely smiled, but every smile was like a precious jewel to me! She was just a REALLY neat person.

I met a woman who had been an army nurse. She was disabled, but her heart surely wasn't! She was energetic and probably the most encouraging person I have met in a long time. I ADORED talking to her, and was sad when it was time to leave.

There was one other person that I really want to mention. There was a vet...a sort of youngish man, maybe in his 30's or early 40's at the latest. Ladies, I BEG of you to please lift him in prayer. I have never seen a face that mirrored such torment in my life. He could barely lift his eyes to look at me or anyone. I gave him a bag, and he mumbled a "thank you ma'am" with the quickest of glances, then looked down at the ground again.

When I say that he looked like he was in agony, I do not think I can convey the depths of the pain on his face. I have NEVER seen the like, even on faces of people who have lost loved ones. He had bright blue eyes, and would have been fairly handsome, but the shame and the torment was all you could see.

Pain, agony, torment....I keep repeating those words because there is not another word in the English language that I can think of that fits him.

Please pray for that vet. I do not know if he is ashamed of something he has done. I do not know if he is kind hearted or hard hearted, good or evil. I do not know if he is in chronic physical pain or if the pain was all in his heart. I just know that I have never seen suffering etched into a face like that before. He looked like a beaten child.

Speaking of children, I would like to take a moment to mention something disturbing that I found out....there is a home run by the VFW for veteran's families. That is wonderful! But part of the clientele of the home is for children whose military parents leave them there. Sometimes it is because both parents deploy, sometimes they have a single mom who deploys and has nowhere to keep her children.

I know that I am probably going to get some serious hate mail for this, but we have GOT to be reasonable here! To me nothing illustrates our loss of any sense of reason that our country is facing than having mothers abandon their children to go fight in a foreign country. Our government needs to stop thinking of trying to treat women as men, and start treating them as WOMEN and MOTHERS!

Those mothers might be able to hide tears and do their work, but those babies NEED their mothers.

The Lord was VERY clear about where mothers need to be--at home raising their own babies. I have no idea how we are going to get out of this nonsense of mothers not being necessary to raising their babies, but we need to get a clue...and fast.

Thousands of children are being sacrificed on the altar of progress, finances, and career advancement, and nothing shows this more than mothers who are being deployed and having to leave their babies with strangers.

Mothering is not about just making sure the child is fed and does not hurt itself. Mothering is about RAISING your kids, nurturing their minds (educating them!), their souls (teaching them the Lord EVERY day), their hearts (being there for every hurt and triumph), their bodies. Mothering is NOT just babysitting without pay. Mothering is MOTHERING.

There are many hurdles, I know. Husbands who want their wives working outside of the home. Women who do not have a husband. Society and friends and relatives who think that being a mom is being lazy. It is hard when everyone around us only values what they can see in the checkbook or the driveway.

We need to work to the point where nuclear families stay together, where family groups stay together, where single moms have support that they need from extended family, where husbands and fathers (as well as wives amd mothers!) start valuing motherhood over finances. I am not saying that women should never work--many women in the Bible worked. But they worked where they could also take care of their babies. There were extended family groups that could help each other out in tough times. There was less industry, so there were more "home based" businesses, so to speak, where the mother could keep her children with her.

I know there are women reading this who might say "But I WANT to come home! My husband will not let me! (or "I am a single mom and have no one to turn to")". Please understand that I am not criticising you IN. THE. LEAST. I TOTALLY understand that. Unfortunately, our society is telling men as well that women should be away from their babies. I am not advocating disobeying your husband AT ALL. I am not saying that you are being a bad mother. We can pray that the Lord changes your husband's mind, and the Lord will work for you, leading your life in the path it needs to go.

As for women who can stay home, PLEASE do so. Your babies need you. A nurse can bind their wounds, a teacher can teach them to read, a sunday school teacher can teach them to sing "Jesus loves me", but you can do all those things. AND no one AT ALL can replace you as a mother. No one can mother your children. They can teach them, kinda. They can heal some of their wounds, but no one can heal the heart as a mother can. No one can know the child deeply like a mom, so that we can see trouble coming BEFORE the principal calls home. We are kinda like a farmer vs a migrant picker....the farmer nurtures his crops, touching them and looking at them, fretting over them, praying for guidance, spending every day in thought of his tender seedlings, watching the "weather", and threats to his crops. Every day he toils in endless circles of plowing and weeding, watering and feeding. Round and round with seemingly no end in sight. But OH--days on end with the Lord as his guide, with his little ones growing strong around him! What great blessing in the mundane and repetitive tasks!

A picker just picks and plunks--picks the fruit and plunks it in a box, without a thought to the overall health of the field or the plants or the nutrients in the soil. Everyone else in the world is just a migrant worker for your children--filling a small square, but not able or willing to see the entire process from beginning to end. The Lord gave you that wonderful position and gave you YOUR children ON PURPOSE. Each child is a unique creature and each child needs a specific type of mothering, and you are the one that the Lord chose for that purpose. Please understand your worth in that!

And just like if a farmer fails in his work, society suffers with lack of nourishment; if a mother fails in her work, society suffers with a lack of godly men and women. The farmer and the mother...two of the most unsung heroes of our society. Unrecognized, toiling day and night, poorly paid and disregarded. But actually being in charge of society itself, for without either one of them, society would starve physically, mentally, emotionally.

If my words anger you, then pray. I will pray too, that I am giving counsel that the Lord would have me give.

If you want to reply, then do so. Just know that I am not "picking on anyone". I just grieve for the babies who so desperately want their mothers, and grieve for the mothers who have not learned or are not able to delight in their babies and their calling, I grieve for the mothers who DO delight in their babies, but cannot stay home, and grieve for society and the government who would sacrifice both babies and mothers and fathers and itself for unsound notions of "progress" and "pseudo-equality".

Please pray for that veteran and all of those veterans. Please pray for the babies whose mothers are sent away, and pray for the mothers who cannot come home due to military or husbands or circumstances, that the Lord would show them the way home and would open the path and that the women will go down that path WITHOUT FEAR, relying on the Lord. Pray that women would see their own true worth, the value in the Lord, and not look to what they themselves value (for most of us really want recognition and "fulfillment", if we are honest with ourselves), or what society values. Pray that mothers would learn how to take up their cross daily, sacrificing their own wants and desires, and relying on the Lord to give them what they need.

Pray for the husbands who do not understand their own role as provider and head of the household, that they will understand that role and embrace it with the wisdom the Lord gives. Pray that husband see their wives and children in new light, falling in love again with them and caring for them as they care for themselves. Likewise that wives fall in love again with their husbands and children.

Pray that husbands understand that their wives are wives and mothers first, and should be able to use their talents and gifts there--the Lord has made a way. Pray that each mother would be given what she needs. Pray that each husband and wife would learn to do more with less, to live simple lives, to value the Lord and health and family and sunshine, not boats and cars and expensive houses and expensive toys. Pray that each child grows in wisdom and love at home where they can be filled with the Lord and with the love of the parents for each other.

Pray for each other, and please pray for me, that I might only speak what the Lord wants me to speak, that any anger I stir is only the last clap of thunder before the healing rain of wisdom falls on someone's life. I know that I get irritated whenever I am shown something that I could fix in my life because my natural self has its own wants and needs, and that soon my life changes for the better if I relax and let the Lord work. But boy, that irritation gets strong at first!

Pray that mothers, single or married, who feel overwhelmed and over burdened do not take this post as an accusation--this is not meant to accuse but to encourage a mother's heart to home. If your heart is already at home, then there is only prayer for you that the Lord will allow your circumstances to change! If your are married, then it might be through your husband's changing heart. If you are single, it might be through other circumstances. No one is questioning your heart or love...we just want to pray for you to be where you want to be--at home with your babies. :-)

If your body is at home, but your heart isn't, or if you are at work and think that you would be too bored, would "go crazy", if you "had to spend all day at home with the kids", please pray. The Lord knows what He is doing. He will not let you go crazy, and He will provide EVERY need. It might not be the way you think, but trust Him. He will never let you down.

Have a beautiful blessed day, my beautiful blessed sisters!

Confessions

My beautiful sisters....

It is hard to read other blogs sometimes when everyone seems to have everything together. I want this blog to be uplifting, encouraging, etc. So I have wondered "Do I let my readers know that I struggle with things? Or do I just post happy, calm, "everything is under control" posts?".

Well, I am going to post about a struggle today....hopefully it will be encouraging in the "everyone has issues" way. I chuckle at the quote "It might very well be that the purpose of your life is just to serve as a warning to others". Maybe not my whole life, but definitely last night. Last night was the culmination of the Lord breaking down my tendency to draw close to Him, then stray when things are going well. I told TWS a few days ago that I am like a toddler who runs off in the mall--as long as I can see mom, I am embolded to wander. When I am obedient, listening to her, I cling to her

Same with the Lord: as long as I could touch base with the Lord, have one moment of closeness with Him a day, I would spend the rest of the day wandering in my thoughts and actions. But that is not acceptable! Just like a toddler in the mall, it is not sufficient that I just pop in and say "hi" to the Lord, or make sure I can see Him as I stray!

When I am obedient and placing Him first, the confusions of life, the pains, the fears LITERALLY melt away in an instant. I am not exaggerating! When I am at His feet and focused on Him, there is "peace which passes all understanding" guarding my heart and mind. I can literally feel broken and weepy one second, and then feel peace and joy the very next second, simply by where my focus is.

But as I said, I get complacent, emboldened. I start to wander, thinking myself totally secure. Then the Lord has to bring me back to Him with a lesson. I mentioned this in my blog a month or so ago, and it has happened again, much the same way! I got my focus on ME instead of Him, and found that the world is cold, dark, dangerous, sorrowful, hurtful, uninteresting, unbeautiful, and lonely.

This is how it happened:

I posted yesterday about the doldrums...the grey sky days that have been plaguing me (I honestly do not remember the last time I saw the sun!). When I posted, I still had some humor about the situation.

But my humor turned into frump which turned into a snit which turned into a conniption which turned into a melt down. It was coming, I should have seen the signs and made it my PRIORITY to turn my attention back to the Lord. But at that time, I was so involved in "me", that I did not know what to do. I was like my cat that I mentioned yesterday--ankle deep in cold water and nowhere to turn that was safe. I had bolted out the door of the temple of the Lord and found myself wishing I hadn't!

I will spare you the details of how bad it was BEFORE I went to bed. TWS and I got into a discussion that I should not have entered (I was not capable of much reason at that point), I spent all evening counting all of my frustrations and fears and such.

Suffice it to say that I knew I was in trouble when I started crying each time I lost a "bubble" computer game. Yeah, I was pretty much a mess.

But at this point I still was standing in the water, so to speak, not knowing where to turn.

So we go to sleep and I try to do everything I can to not have to wake up in the middle of the night. But I ended up having a dreadful, horrible dream. Not frightening, just ....ugh. So again, around 2:30-3 am, I am awake, my brain is filled with horrible images from my dream, and I cannot be logical at all. Every sound is something bad, the dark (which honestly does not bother me) is terrifying. My brain alters between images of that dream and fears of losing my family and a million other depressing and horrible things. I cannot decide if I should go check on the babies, go watch tv, stay in bed. Will I wake TWS? He told me to if I had a bad dream, but he is so tired! Do I go check the babies? What if I do and that wakes up TWS and what if I don't and there is something terrible happening? What was that sound?

Thank the Lord my glasses fell off the nightstand and that woke TWS. He was his usual, blessing-from-God, self, calming and sweet. An hour or so passed, and gradually my fears and frustrations diminished to the point where I could understand what was going on. I realized that my sleep problems, my emotions were all my own doing--I had gotten complacent with the Lord's grace, lazy with His mercy. When that happens, I think the Lord has to bring me to a point of sleeplessness for days, because my will and strength and self sufficiency has to be broken down with lack of sleep. I turned my focus back on Him and there was rest.

Sisters, please allow me to encourage you who have no peace to focus on Him. Now, you might say "I pray to Him all the time! I love Him!". Of course you do! I do too! But think about it this way....you know when you love your husband or children, you chat through them about this and that through the day, right? BUT that is DIFFERENT than when you are having those "bared soul" times, where you are paying close attention to them, listening to every word, you measure your response, you are not distracted. You are not multitasking, you are PAYING ATTENTION. THAT is the difference, at least for me. I tend to get to where I am talking AT God, not TO Him. I pray often, but they are more "fly by" prayers, or my mind starts wandering. I start building walls, hardening my heart. I focus on what *I* want, what *I* fear. I snatch back my broken toys and not let Him fix them. I get irritated with why won't He let us move....yesterday I was irritated with Him that He would not let the sun shine.....

Ok, I am going to stop for a moment. I was typing the last few words about letting the sun shine, and I looked over and it IS! I am not exaggerating! AT this very moment, the sky is bright, the leaves are shining and there are actual shadows! Praise the Lord for His mercy!!

WOW, that was neat! He is so kind to us. He is kind to us when we are obedient, and kind to us in His discipline. I praise the Lord for His grace and mercy, our ever present help in time of need....

OH! That reminds me of another something I was messing up. My dear sisters, I am ASHAMED of this. But the other day I was in a bit of a funk (it has been building). Well, almost every day at lunch, I read a Bible verse to the children. One of them was about Him being our ever present help in time of need. Now, I KNOW that He meant that for me. I KNOW that the Holy Spirit was saying "Child, listen! This verse is for you, to encourage you! This verse is given to you right now.". and.....i ignored it. :-(. I knew that it was for me, but I did not want spiritual encouragement, i wanted TWS to come home and say we were moving!!!! I wanted sun!!! I wanted....well I wanted what I wanted, not what God's plan was. And if I did not get what I wanted, I did not want anything else.

UGH, isn't that AWFUL?!? I am ashamed, but maybe this will keep y'all from making the same stupid mistakes that I make. I mean, the Creator of the Universe is giving me assurance and reassurance through His Word and then confirmation through His Spirit, and I stomped my feet. xsighx

Ok, I feel stupid.

Anyway, back to focusing on Him. Pray that He will show you how to focus on Him so that the blessings that He promises to you can be fulfilled. His promises are valid, if we do not have them, then that is because of US, not HIM. It does Him no good for us not to listen to Him. We are not doing any good at all to lead the lost, encourage the brotherhood of believers, or to give Him His due praise and glory if we do not have His promises taking place in our lives.

He will show you what walls you have up. He will insist that you stop relying on yourself. He will insist that you stop nursing your fears and grudges and grievances. He will insist that you abandon your anxieties and restlessnesses. He will gently admonish you to give up every little bit of "But I WANT this to happen" and to actually and honestly say "THY will be done.". Not "Thy will be done, BUT...." or "Please let Thy will be the same as my will..." but "If You, Sovereign Lord, in Your wisdom choose to take away from me my hearts desire, to prevent my dreams from happening, to move my life in ways that are different from my plans, I trust You. I accept this. I love You. THY will be done.".

He will show you what is blocking you from receiving the peace that passes all understanding. He will show you what is blocking your joy. I am telling you that it will all be you, not anything happening in your life. Joy does not come from every good thing happening to you. Joy is a gift from the Lord, no matter what is happening to you. Peace is not the cessation of the storm, but being with Him in the midst of it.

You might find, like me, that the peace and joy might be fleeting, maybe only an hour or a minute. Then it will seem to slip from your fingers as if you are trying to touch a rainbow. But do not lose heart! This just means that your focus has slipped. Now that you know, you can refocus on Him. If you are obedient, the peace will be steady and the joy continuous. If you are hardheaded like I am, He will have to bring you back to obedience, which is not pleasant but produces a harvest of righteousness. You will actually have peace in your painful situations, your fears will be foreign to you because He has given you the peace that passes all understanding.

I pray that you stop right now and go to Him. Right now ask Him to teach you (and then listen when He does!). Sisters, let my time of discipline serve as a warning for you to do much MUCH better than I.

Praise the Lord. Amen.