A Sparrow In The Snow

How LONG it has been!

2011-05-14T09:15:00.003-08:00

It has been....a good year or so since I have updated this blog. Part of the reason was because the last post was just so.....perfect. I loved keeping up the post of the provision of the Lord on that page. He is so kind, so merciful, so perfect.

Also, I have been deep into other projects, life, etc. I am not even sure if this blog will continue, but I was so greatly heartened today by another blog I saw, that I was moved to post on mine. The new blog is this one: http://aspiring-homemaker.blogspot.com It was a balm for my soul this morning.

I so greatly admire these women who find such peace and joy in keeping their own house. They see such beauty, there is such simplicity. I know that this can become an idol to some of us--we cannot worship the past, nor the life that is different than what we have. The Lord puts us where we are for the reason He sees fit. The woman who lives in a 762 sf condo in the middle of a large city is just as right there as the woman who lives on 10 acres in the country (ahem, or the southern girl who was planted quite firmly in the snow for the past 11 years...but I digress... lolol).

I know that that is a lesson the Lord is teaching me--that there is a season and a time. I just turned 40, my eldest child is about to be a junior in high school, and my husband is retiring in the next year. OH what a tumultuous time this is for me, what a soul searching "Holy COW where did the time go? Have I missed my own life while waiting for it to start?!?!?!" sort of feeling the past few months have been!

But the Lord is merciful. There is TIME. One of the greatest gifts He gives us is ETERNITY. He has been working on me every single day of these 11 years. I have changed tremendously since we pulled into North Pole Alaska so many years ago, with a newborn and a 3 year old. There is time. There is time. There is time.

So here I sit, ready to start blogging again. I think that my struggles of "Who am I? What is my purpose? What is the life that the Lord wants for me?" are very common at this stage of human development--almost like a second adolescence. I would love to hear your thoughts.

The Perfect Moment

2009-12-21T16:11:00.002-09:00

My best memory of this time of trial was when I was driving back to the hospital from checking into my new hotel. I had wanted to stay on billeting on base, but they would not be able to allow me to stay the whole time. There were several thousands of troops being deployed in the area, and most everything was full.
The problem was that the medical orders I was on only gave me $55 per night for a room. That would have been fine if I had stayed on base. However, off base the rooms were $118 plus tax. If the military did not pay, I would have to pay over one thousand dollars out of pocket.

The lady at the hotel did not think it was a problem. She said that what she was quoting me was the going military rate.

However, I had talked to a military liaison person who works with families who have loved ones in the hospital. He was fairly sure that the money I got was all I would be given. He was trying to get me into the Fisher House, a place for families to stay close to the hospital.

Frankly, I did not care where I stayed. I just wanted somewhere clean and safe with a bed and a bathroom.

After I heard the fellow tell me that I probably would not get the extra money, I was a little anxious. Well, frankly I flat out said “I am NOT paying the difference.”. At this point I was too tired, too DONE to even think about playing a game of pennies.

I went ahead and checked into the new hotel, figuring I would just deal with whatever comes. I always could argue the bill with the military later, but it was low on my list of priorities that day.

I remember that I was thinking about how the Lord provided for everything so far. So far, everything had been the hardest, but easiest thing I had ever done. The Lord provided my every need in miraculous ways. I remember praying in the car “Lord, You have done so much. I know You are taking care of me. I trust You to take care of this too.”.

That was a perfect moment for me. My prayer was not desperate, not pitiful, not hurried. It was a simple statement of fact from a soul that ABSOLUTELY KNEW THAT I KNEW that He would provide abundantly. I did not have to worry or be concerned. I did not have to lift a finger. He would take care of this as He had taken care of everything else.

I do not know where that faith came from. It was the Holy Spirit assuring my spirit. It was not me, it was all Him. It was not that I was trusting as much as He was so faithful that I could not deny His presence, mercy, kindness, grace. He was more firm than the earth and more prevalent than the sun. He was faithful and perfect, and I could do nothing BUT trust Him. To not trust Him in that moment would be like not trusting gravity or suddenly believing in tooth fairies. To not trust Him would be to deny reality. THAT is what it was! Faith, in that moment, was reality. I did not have the “Lord, I hope this works!” sort of faith, but the rock solid, “of course it is going to work. This is reality. His mercy is more reliable and less requiring thought than I would need if I dropped a ball. I know that the ball would fall to the earth with gravity, and I know He will provide just as faithfully.”.

No, even those analogies are not quite right! How can I explain when His mercy is SO perfect and SO there and SO visible that even the assurance of gravity pales in comparison to the assurance of His taking care of me? I do not have the words. I pray the Holy Spirit makes this clear to you, as it is an incredible faith builder.
So I prayed and knew with NO doubt that He would provide. It was one time where my mind could not overthink me out of faith. My doubts, so numerous in my life, could not overcome my seeing His perfect faithfulness. Nothing could shake me in that moment.

And faithful He was. I prayed, called Stephanie Roland, and sure enough, the paperwork was cleared up without a hitch.

I think of that moment. I pour over it like a first sweet kiss from someone you know you will marry. I linger over it like remembering the feeling of scoring the winning point. I love to think of it and remember my feeling of solid faith. It soothes me. It calms me. It literally eases my physical tension or stress. I hope that I can get that solid faith again. I want to live every day in that peace and faith. It was so perfect, so strong, so peaceful, that it makes it easy for me to let go of every single hurt, pain, irritation, anger, frustration that I have had. I just want to let every earthly, worldly thing go and dwell in that feeling of faith and peace and assurance.

ICU 2nd Night

2009-11-30T09:26:00.002-09:00

I stayed with him the first night and no one said anything. The second night, I expected to stay with him again. It did not occur to me to leave him. I could not leave him there all alone. My fatigue numbed mind conjured up the idea that I was useful, that my presence could mean the difference in seconds if he stopped breathing or something. While the nurses took exceptional care of him, they were not with him every second. I was there though. However, now that I have had rest and am thinking clearly, I know that the Lord had it all in His hand—whether Ash lives or dies is not up to me, but up to Him.

Anyway, at some point she came in that second night and pulled the curtain between me and the window to the nurse’s station…
“Could you do me a favor?” she asked.
“Sure”
“Could you move back into that corner? “ I realized that she was trying to hide me. They were going to try to make me go home.
“Is someone upset that I am here?” I ask. I am sorrowed both that someone is upset with me, and that I might have to leave.
“Yeah, but don’t worry about it. We will just put you here—out of sight, out of mind.” She said cheerfully. It was not so easy for me though, I am very much a rule follower and she had been so nice, I did not want to get her in trouble.

“I do not want to get you in trouble! I can leave if you need me to.”
“Oh no, you stay. The charge nurse is just being grouchy. He gets that way. Don’t worry about it.”. I miserably pulled my chair to the corner as she left. I could not handle this, and prayed. At least I think I prayed. To be honest, I cannot remember, but I am sure I must have. I was out of strength, out of resources and He was the only link I had to lean on. I had nothing left.

She came in a little while later and talked to me about it. I told her again that I could leave. She said “No, in fact I made a husband stay with another patient. I moonlight at xyz hospital and I like the way they do it. They call it family care, and they bring beds in for the family to stay, and kids can come in and everything. I do not agree with the policy here.”.

While I was relieved that there was another rule breaking spouse in the ward, I was a bit worried. What if I needed to go to the bathroom? I would have to go past the nurse’s station, then be buzzed back in.

“Do I need to just hide here til morning?” I asked
“Oh no! “ she said “Come and go as you please. Do not feel that you have to not go to the bathroom or something. I talked to him and told him that you were staying. He knows. I asked him if it was his time of the month.” She chuckled a bit there, but not unkindly. Then she continued “He said to me “Who do you think you are breaking the rules?” and I said “I’M FAMILY CARE!”. She laughed again. “And then I gave him some chocolate. No problems. He just gets this way sometimes.”.

So I stayed that night. I sat in the chair by Ash's bed with a pair of heavy hunting socks and sandals, trying to keep warm and getting snatches of sleep, but terrified that I would be asleep and Ash would stop breathing or something.

However, early the next morning, the past three days started catching up with me. I had only slept about 5 hours of the past 72, if that. My last food of substance had been one scarfed down piece of pizza at home before the flight on Monday, and this was Thursday morning. I noticed that my ears sounded hollow and I was slightly dizzy...I just felt unwell as I roused from sleep.

Jolene came into the room, and I started to become more awake. I also started struggling mightily in my spirit.

Sometimes it seems like there are two "me's". One was the "me" who really loved and depended on the Lord, and the other was a bad, cold, disbelieving "me" who rejected Him or something. I cannot explain it well. It was a spiritual attack, a continuation of what had plagued me Monday morning before Ash had gone for the CT scan. I prayed hard, felt alone, felt cold, felt close to Him, felt a million miles away. I struggled and prayed. I had no strength for this. I realized that I was feeling faint and sick. I was not sure what to do. I did not want to tell anyone that I was feeling so bad—I wanted to seem neither weak nor whiney nor take attention from Ashton. I just felt ill. I was utterly spent.

“We are going to give you a bath” Jolene told Ashton. “you can help” she said to me. I honestly could not manage any stimulation at that point, but thankfully she was busy doing something.

“I’ll be right back. I am just going to run to the bathroom,” I said in as calm and upbeat a voice as I could muster. My thoughts were not logical or reasonable, I was afraid that I would be sick. I was afraid that I would pass out in the bathroom and no one would come in to find me for hours. I also did NOT want the attention of someone who falls out on the floor. I did not want to hear myself mutter “No, really, I’m ok” as they take my blood pressure and give me IV fluids. I would be mortified, embarrassed. They would make me go home, and maybe not come back to be with Ashton. I was afraid to leave the bathroom, as it was a place of quiet and safety, but I also needed to get back to Ash and help.

“Lord, please. I feel so bad. Please, please do not let me be sick. Please let me feel better. I cannot do this with You.”. I said as I made my way to the bathroom. I noticed that the bathroom had been recently cleaned, and I was grateful for that. Public bathrooms are not my favorite thing.

I started feeling slightly better after using the restroom, however, I knew that my strength was totally gone. I did not even have enough mental or emotional energy to will myself to press on. I was dull of mind and weak in body. As I walked back to the ICU, I googled “Severe exhaustion”. I wanted to see if I was reaching a dangerous level of exhaustion, if there was such a thing. Is there a time where your exhaustion is so bad that your body starts to shut down? I was not sure. I was afraid that I would snap mentally or collapse physically. I thought about how my immune resistance must be gone. I was afraid that I would pick up some terrible germ through the cut on my toe that I had gotten before Ash went to surgery (I read way too much about resistant bacteria).

Please understand that I did not dwell on me for me! I just did not want to be weak, be a casualty. I wanted to be strong. The Lord had allowed me to be strong so far, and people thought I was. I did not want to fail.

The only things I found on severe exhaustion were either mentioning adrenal problems or were quasi medical sites talking about wholeness and wellness. I realized that it did not matter anyway--what would I do even if I found out that I was severely exhausted? I would not leave Ash, and I would not tell the nurse “I googled severe exhaustion and found that I have many of the symptoms”. Yeah, right.

So I walked into the room, and again the Lord provided me strength I did not have. I helped Jolene bathe Ashton, and was no longer nauseated or faint. I forgot that I had even felt that way! The Lord had provided supernaturally the strength I needed. I now understand what Paul meant when he said “When I am weak, then I am strong”. That spiritual battle was over. I was ready to help my husband. The Lord made me capable when I was not. He sustained me.

First night in ICU

2009-11-30T09:19:00.002-09:00

Dr. Ha led us into ICU. There Ashton lay with tubes and monitors and a big white bandage on his head. I expected more blood or more bandage, but he looked neat and comfortable. His left eye was a bit bruised, but not terribly, and the swelling was less than I expected. All in all, I was pleasantly surprised.

Ash’s folks and I came up to him and talked to him. He opened his one eye groggily and answered our questions in a voice that was soft but not terribly weak. His folks did not stay long…they were exhausted from a long flight. However, I think they went back to the motel greatly relieved to see that Ashton pulled through the surgery.

I stayed, though. Ben was the first ICU nurse. He was a tall fellow with warm brown eyes, but a manner that seemed to be both tender and guarded at the same time. I wondered if something had happened, if he was hurt by a girlfriend or something in the past. It did not seem to me like he was just maintaining a professional distance, but rather it seemed like a struggle to him…like part of him wanted to be open, but part of him insisted on maintaining a bravado or a guard. I am probably wrong, but that is how it seemed to me.

He was very patient with my questions. All of them. I was very thankful.
At one point, he had to do a neuro check on Ashton. These checks involved telling ashton to push down with his feet, pull up with his feet, grasp a nurse’s fingers tightly as he could, and follow a light. They also asked him questions. The first night we were talking about what day it was. I mentioned that it was Wednesday. Ben looked straight at me with a raised eyebrow and said “No, it’s not.”. That unnerved me a bit. I mean, I could have sworn it was, but I was so exhausted, that it was entirely possible I was wrong. In fact, the only reason why I thought it was Wednesday was because I thought I remembered us watching After The Catch on discovery channel the night before his surgery, and that comes on on Tuesday.

“No, I think it is Wednesday” I said confused and desperately trying to sort my days and nights in my head “I thought we watched deadliest catch last night.”.
“No, its Thursday” he said, going to his computer.
“Are you serious!? Did I lose a whole day?” I asked. It really was bothering me. He typed a bit on his computer and then said “Oh, no, you are right, it is Wednesday….you have to excuse me, I have been on nights for two weeks straight…” he seemed a bit embarrassed.

“Oh no problem” I said, secretly relieved that I had not lost a whole day.
I engaged Ben in light conversation—my usual questions of where he was from, how long he had been there, etc. I wish I could tell you more about him, but I do not remember anything he said. It was a total blur.

I do remember watching what I came to call “The Ashton Show”. It was a monitor that he was hooked up to. It measured his heart rate, his blood pressure through an arterial line, his temperature, his breathing rate, and his breathing rhythm. The first day, sometimes an alarm would go off when his oxygen level would go down. I was not sure if that was ok, but I knew the alarm was going off in the nurses’ station and no one else seemed to be troubled by it. Eventually his oxygen rate would raise back to normal. Soon I realized that this was par for his course—his apnea had gotten to the point where his oxygen level would go in the 80’s until he sputtered or stirred. “We need to get this taken care of. This is out of control.” I made a mental note to myself. I cannot imagine how exhausted he must be every day if every few minutes of sleep he was not getting enough oxygen. If he pulled through this, I wanted him to be able to rest well.

I even considered that maybe this is why his tumor has grown. I read at one point that people will try to boost their oxygen level in their blood to keep cancer at bay. While I prayed this tumor was not cancer, it would not surprise me if somehow the apnea played a part in it.

I did not know what to do with Ash when I got in the ICU. I asked Ben “Should I let him sleep or keep pestering him?”.

“What would you want to do if you just had brain surgery? Let him sleep.”.

“Ok.” I said. It might seem like a stupid question, but I was wondering if it would be better to keep arousing him. I was afraid he would slip away into a coma and we would not know it. That makes sense, right? Well, maybe it doesn’t, but it did to me at the time.

Right before 7 pm, Ben started making his last chores before he got off duty. I was bummed that he was going off duty. I was not “bonding” to him, but he was becoming familiar in such a strange, scary time.

For the night shift, a new nurse came on duty. I will be honest, I was hoping that it was not a female. It sounds bad, but sometimes I do not get along well with females. I tend to get along better with males. I like females, but I tend to put women off. However, this little Chamorro girl named Jolene was our new nurse for the night. I soon was praising God for her, as she was kind and open and friendly. She and I talked about Alaska, as she had been there. She was also from Guam, so she and I had that in common as well, as my dad had been stationed there when I was in high school.

I watched her through the night, happy when she stayed to chat with me. Her fingers were short and slim, and they moved with a quick, odd movement, almost like they danced.

Another female nurse came in, and I expected the old “two against one” thing. You know how a group of three girls can get. When there are three, generally one girl ends up being the goat, or at least that is my experience. I figured that they would chat and laugh and I honestly expected thinly veiled hostility. The new nurse had the beautiful skin of a half black, half asian, though I do not know if she was. She had black hair with big curly waves and a t-shirt that I think said “I <3 miami”. Her name was Michelle.

However, again the Lord worked kindness in my life. She was very attentive to me. They brought me a chair, and she brought me a stool to prop my legs on. I had declined a comfortable chair at first, but they insisted later. They also brought me a heated blanket. I cannot tell you how much I was not expecting this. They both talked to me about Alaska, and I got excited to share interesting tidbits about my state.

At one point, I was in the midst of talking about how the sunlight changes through the year. Suddenly Ashton started to cough and then vomited blood. I must say, I am very squeamish about throwing up—when I get sick, I get faint and shocky feeling. In fact, if I know someone is sick, I will stay away from them for a week or two until I know they are FULLY recovered. I flat out tell my friends “If you or your kids have a cold or a fever, feel free to come over. But if you have a tummy bug, I will see you next spring.”.

However, the Lord gave me peace in my mind, even seeing my husband spitting out his own blood (a picture that is burned into my mind). We all came quickly to his side. I gently wiped the blood from his mouth and shirt as Michelle and Jolene suctioned and cleaned up behind him. I was afraid for him, as vomiting blood never seems like a good thing.

However, Michelle, probably seeing my face, quickly and casually mentioned that it looked like old blood, and Jolene (also quickly) agreed that it was probably drainage from the surgery. That made perfect sense, as he must have swallowed quite a bit during the repair of his sinuses.

His tummy stayed tender for the next two days. They tried to get him to eat with very little success. He was miserable. He would try to eat a bite then have to breathe through the nausea through pursed lips. Dr. Ha talked about how he needed to eat protein as each day laying down, the body would digest its own muscle, not fat. He told us that even morbidly obese patients will be nutritionally deficient as they are bedridden (NOT that Ash is morbidly obese!). I felt so bad for him, but there was nothing I could do but encourage him to eat as much protein as he can and hope it stays down. They tried zofran and reglan, but nothing seems to do much for long. They also tried to get him to take percoset instead of morphine, but they thought that was what was making him sick the first time, so he stayed on morphine.

I was surprised at the low level of his pain. They had severed a muscle in his cheek, had unroofed his eye socket, rebuilt a sinus, and removed part of his skull, but he kept saying that the pain was just a 3 or 4. His bad headaches were an 8 or 9. I was sort of hoping that he would back off the morphine and go to Tylenol. I know that was silly of me, but I was eager for him to be better. Come to find out later that that would have been a good idea—it was the morphine that was making him so ill.

Back to Jolene….I noticed that she wore no makeup, but was beautiful. I felt very comfortable with her. Even more so on the second night. The official rules of the ICU (and the med surg ward) were to maintain visiting hours. However, in the med surg ward before his surgery, no one told me I needed to go home. I think it was because they realized that this might be our last night together. It makes me sad to think of that, but thankful they let me stay.

I did not want to leave Ash alone in the ICU either. To me, he was still touch and go. Dr Ha said that the first 24-48 hours were where most of the bad stuff would happen, if it was going to happen. My husband was still in the path of danger, and I did not want him to be there alone.

The Surgery Pt 2

2009-11-30T09:17:00.001-09:00

The Surgery Pt 2
The surgery was going to take hours. I had to leave to go meet Ash’s folks at the gate to the base to sponsor them. I hated leaving…I mean, what if they needed me for something? But I was also eager to see his folks.

I got to the visitor’s center and waited for what seemed to have been forever. I finally saw them drive up and walk to the door. Then his dad said “There she is…there’s Sister”….I know this sounds weird but that meant so much to me for him to call me sister, to be recognized as more than just the woman their son married. They have not EVER made me feel badly, not at all! They are godly, wonderful people. I just was very insecure. Then they gave me a huge hug. I was so thankful to have them there!

And then I cut them off driving and almost ran them off the road. Sheesh.
Understand that I live in NORTH POLE, ALASKA. It gets about as much traffic as one might think a place called “North Pole, Alaska” gets. I remember we had lived here for a year or so and had some out of town guests that I had just picked up from the airport. “Aw man, we hit rush hour” I muttered apologetically. My guests burst out laughing. See, our “rush hour” lasts about 20 minutes and means that you have to slow down to 45 in a 55 mph zone for about ½ mile along this one stretch of highway.

So imagine me as driving like a bumpkin in my little non-descript go-cart, and them following in a nice rented Cadillac. We had to cross multi lanes to get from one side of the road to the access on the other side. To be honest, I have NO idea what I did, but I was crossing suddenly I looked behind and realized I was swerving in front of them on the on-ramp. Thankfully they either did not notice or did not hold it against me!

We got back to the waiting room, but this time it was pretty empty. I was afraid that we had missed the call and that he was in recovery without us there to support him. His parents and I talked for a while, showed pictures of nieces and nephews.
It was about suppertime, so I offered to show them where Anthony’s was so they could get a bite to eat.

Unfortunately, it was closed. I know it is silly, but I was quite embarrassed by that…as if I had not provided for my guests (in a place I had never been to in a situation I was unprepared for…yeah, it is silly, but it still was embarrassing).
Thankfully the chow hall in the hospital was open, though they did not have much at that time. Carlos got food for him and Nola and brought it back to Nola who had stayed in the waiting room.

I do not remember how much time passed, but eventually Dr. Ha came in to the room. That surprised me, as I was expecting the wall phone to ring. He told us first off that Ash had done well, and then proceeded to explain what was done.

This is where he brought out ALL of his analogies. He talked about elephants and rooms and babies and I do not know what else, all to describe how they removed the tumor. He greatly impressed all of us, even Ashton’s dad. We found out that they had to unroof the eye to get some of the tumor off of the bone, but that the tumor was not at the optic nerve yet, thank the Lord! He told us about bone involvement in the cheek, and how he did not think the tumor had infiltrated the brain, but that the pathology report would tell more.

Then he led us to the ICU to see Ashton.

The Surgery Pt 1

2009-11-30T08:27:00.002-09:00

Ashton's surgery was for about....either 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Dr. Ha had another similar surgery that morning. That was difficult as it left ALL DAY to fret, but also good because we had time for the events in the previous posts.

They came to get Ashton and I to prepare him for surgery. We walked in and saw Dr, Ha talking with other doctors. They were laughing and joking. It is good to see doctors relaxed.

The room was large and had several bays, most with people in them that I could see. I wondered what everyone was "in for" (Ash calls me nosy, I prefer the term "concerned" hee hee). Who was sick? Who was hurt? Who was looking at their own mortality, and who was in there to get a thumb operated on? Seriously, I did not try to pry, but I also felt an urge to go around talking to everyone, seeing if there was any comfort I could give.

They brought a child who was going to have surgery. She was being wheeled around in a big red wagon filled with blankets and toys. I thought that was brilliant. She looked a lot calmer than we felt.

The fellow who came to put in the IV's etc was a man with really beefy hands. His fingers looked knobby and calloused and I wondered what hobbies or illness he had to make his hands look that way. Guitar? No, that would not make calluses on the knuckles. Hmmm. I was a bit disconcerted by the fact that he did not use gloves. I had heard someone mention about working in the ER and if there was no break in the skin, there is no danger from disease.

Ash was scared, but quiet. He did not appear frightened, but I could tell. Thankfully the pre-op preps were quick and soon the man said "Kiss your wife, we are about to go". Ash gave me a kiss and they wheeled him down the room. Ash later told me that whatever they gave him, he remembers the kiss, and then nothing.

It is weird to be standing there, after they wheel your loved one. I had no idea what to do, where to go. Ash was where I could not go, and the surgery was going to last many hours. Ash's folks were due in, but not for a while. You just sort of feel lost, left out. Well, I did, anyway. It was almost like if Ash was not there, then I had no reason to be there—like he was my ticket and without him, I was just taking up space. It was odd.

Someone told me where the waiting room was, though I am not sure who. It was a medium sized room with a tv in the corner and a phone on the wall. The phone would ring and whoever was closest to the phone would answer it. On the other end was an operating team. They would ask for one of the folk in the waiting room. The person who answered would call out the name for someone in the waiting room. It was an odd sort of phone lottery—when the phone rang, we would all look expectantly, hoping the phone was for us, telling us things were ok.

Near to me was a group of young people. I remember them talking about their displeasure with the new uniforms. Complaining about new uniforms is practically a sport in the military, but in this case they were right—using Velcro to fasten pockets (where maps and flashlights and rounds are kept), which makes a big RRRIIIIIPPPPPPPPP sound when you are trying to do covert maneuvers is ridiculous.

I was so envious of that group of young people--supporting each other, laughing and joking. They were obviously there supporting a girlfriend or young wife of whomever was in surgery. I was pretty much by myself at that point, just me and God. I wanted to join in their conversation, but I was too shy to even attempt it.

Now, to be honest, I would rather have the Lord than a bunch of people, but I am also human and sometimes I just want people around me. But that also seems to sum up a lot of my experience--the Lord puts me in positions where I have to focus on Him, not on a lot of people around me. I like it, it works well and keeps me focused properly.

However, soon I struck up a conversation with a lady sitting close to me. She was a very devout Catholic and noticed my headcovering. She and I talked about her life (she had had surgery decades ago for the same brain tumor that Ash had! In fact, I met MANY people who had that tumor or knew someone who did), as well as various missions and feasts. Because of my talk with the Catholic priest, I was able to mention a feast that she had forgotten about. I am not sure of the significance of that, but it was too perfectly orchestrated NOT to have been from the Lord. I mean, really, when does a hospital mess up enough to send you a Catholic priest who happens to mention a saint before he realizes you are protestant and needs to leave, and then just a short time later you strike up a conversation with a VERY devout Catholic woman who had forgotten a feast for a saint? Hmmm…. This is the first time it has ever happened to me! I am a firm believer in the Lord, not in coincidence! Somehow that needed to happen for some reason…I am just not sure why and I cannot WAIT to find out when I get to heaven!

Day of Surgery—The “Promises Land” Flows With Milk

2009-11-27T10:18:00.001-09:00

When I got back from my errands of finding a place to stay, Ash was not in the room. He had been taken for some tests.

His roommate was a man of 74 years. He was healthy as an ox and sharp as a tack. He biked 15 miles a day or something like that. Anyway, he was in the hospital for some digestive problems.

The first night Ashton was checked in, he did not know that he even had a roommate. Ash’s bed was closest to the door, and the curtain was drawn, so Ash did not know that there was another person there. Mind you, it was like 2 am. The nurses were checking Ashton in and were speaking loudly, turning on all the lights. When Ashton found out that there was a patient, he felt AWFUL for keeping him up. It was not his fault, of course, but he apologized anyway.

This man and his wife were wonderful. They even came to see us in the ICU and I am irritated with myself that I did not get their contact information.

Anyway, the day of surgery, Ash had been getting tests done, etc. I wanted to talk to the fellow some, though he was obviously considering watching a DVD. I feel badly, but I just ignored the DVD player and chatted for a few minutes. Not my most selfless moment, but at that point, I was not my best.

Because that man had digestive issues, they had put him on a full liquid diet. They kept pushing him to drink as much milk, juice, soup, etc as he could. Later the day of surgery, before Ash was taken back, the man asked me if I had eaten. Frankly I had not. I had had a piece of pizza on Monday and some candy and cokes and the biscuit that the clerk insisted that I eat from the hotel. I was just too wound up. I was running on fumes, and I knew it.

However, I assured him I was fine. Thankfully, he was not convinced. He had seen me in the room and knew I had not had any meals. He said “Here, why don’t you take this?” and offered me a carton off of his tray. I smiled politely “Oh, thank you so much, that is very sweet of you, but really I am fine.”. He insisted again. I assured him I was fine again, but he would not hear of it. So then I said “YOU are the sick one, you need this more than I do!”. He said “I have had enough, I cannot drink anymore.”. Then I laughed and said “The nurse is going to get mad if I eat your food.”. Then he said “Here, how about this: you drink that, and I will drink this” and he handed me a carton and gestured to a bottle of ensure that he would drink. That seemed a decent compromise, and frankly I was out of arguments. I took the carton. It said “Might Milk” on it. I was afraid it would taste like a vitamin shake, but I was going to drink it.

Now, typing this, I literally get tight in my chest and tears come to my eyes when I think of how wonderful that mighty milk tasted. Please understand that it was like drinking a liquid miracle. My body was so terribly desperate for nutrition. Every sip of that was a blessing, every drop was strength. Not only was it sustaining, it was delicious.

I polished off the carton in a matter of seconds. The man then offered me his milk. At that point, I firmly declined, with a smile, and said “Thank you so much. This was just what I needed. You go ahead and have that.”. He did not argue with me, but he did not drink it either.

Not very long after that, he was discharged to go home. After he left, I noticed that the carton of regular milk was sitting on his tray. I asked Ashton if I should take it. I knew that they would not give it to another patient, that it would be thrown away. I knew that I needed more nutrition. I knew that it was the Lord providing for me, so I drank that too.

The Lord fed me, literally fed me, using a wonderful, sharp, stubborn man with two extra cartons of milk. The Lord provided for my spiritual needs, my physical needs, my every need. That milk was just enough of what I needed to get through the 24 hours. In the Bible, the Lord said that the Promised Land flows with milk and honey. Apparently the milk comes in cartons and is delivered by 74 year old men :)

In all seriousness though, I muse if the Promised Land is not always a physical place, but a place with the Lord. That can be in heaven, or on the ocean, or in a hospital room. The Promised Land may be where we see that the Lord’s promises are sound, good, and here for us. Maybe I can call it “The Promises Land” and know that it is where my spirit and heart and mind and body are being provided for by the Lord God Almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth. That Place where our needs are so overwhelming that only He can provide. That hallowed ground of desperate need and His Perfect Provision.
The Promises Land.

Day of Surgery—Ash calls the children

2009-11-27T09:41:00.001-09:00

On the day of his surgery, Ashton called the children to talk to them. It occurred to me that my camera has a video recorder on it. I thank the Lord that He reminded me of my camera, that I could record this precious moment.

Without being overt about it, I recorded him talking to the babies. I did not tell Ash why I recorded him, but he knew. This might have been their last talk with their daddy.

I figured that if something happened to him, the babies would have a recording of what he had said to them. They would have his voice, his face, his expressions to look at. They would not have to try to remember, and then be sorrowed if they could not. They would see his eyes mist with tears, his voice gentle and sweet.

Surgery Day pt 1—No room at the Inn

2009-11-27T08:33:00.000-09:00

During this time, while we were at Madigan, the base was preparing for thousands (literally) of troops to deploy. There were family and friends and young troops everywhere. They were coming in from all different bases and using the army base as a staging point. There were AF folk, army folk, etc.

Well this meant that hotel rooms were in pretty short supply. The hotel I was staying at did not have any more room for me after the 2nd or 3rd night, until the following week. So the day of Ash’s surgery, I had to go find another place to stay. His folks were also coming in that day.

I tried to get a room at billeting (the military hotel on the base). In Seattle, there are two bases close (literally next door) to each other. One is the Air Force base, and the other is the Army base. The army base was full, as I expected it to be. However, billeting at the AF base might have had some openings. I went to McChord, at Ashton’s urging, to see if I could find a room.

Driving into McChord was amazing. It is an incredibly beautiful base, especially around the gate. The pine trees are the tallest I have seen. When I stepped out of the car, the air was sweet with the fragrance of them. I just wanted to breathe it in for hours. It smelled better than Christmas trees. There was a road (that probably went to housing) that was fully canopied by trees, so it was like driving in a tree tunnel. I so wanted to drive down that road! Every time I passed that road, I tried to look down it and imagine being in that green tunnel. The grounds were perfectly manicured around the base, and there were tons of little hills, little hollows, and huge trees.

I got to billeting and walked in. Now, for you to fully understand the incredible grace of God in this moment, I have to give a little back story. You may or may not have spent time with me, but frankly I am a bit of a dork. Well, not a dork (geek is probably more accurate lol), but I have never blended well in groups. I put people off for any one of several reasons: either because of my turned in eye, my vocabulary, my manner, my dresses, my headcovering, whatever. It does not matter, there is always something about me that does not quite fit in well. I am used to that, have been that way since I was a child. Oh I am not generally treated badly (at least since I became an adult)! People are generally not ugly to me at all anymore. They just do not….warm up to me. You might have felt this when sitting at a table in school or in a bus and knowing that the other people there are not going to be mean, but they did not really welcome you in either. That is pretty much how it is for me normally. Do not feel sorry for me; I do not feel sorry for myself! The Lord gives each person strengths and weaknesses to do His will.

Now, understand though that I did not realize the truth of the statement I just made until this trip—the LORD enables each person in the way He would have them. There is a Bible verse in Psalms, I believe, that says “He makes even his enemies live at peace with him” (meaning the Lord makes the righteous man’s enemies live at peace with the righteous man). So the Lord can change the heart of people.

Ok, back to billeting. I walk into billeting to see if they have room for me. I soon realize that everyone is acting as if I was their only reason for getting up that morning! Their HEARTS were turned towards me. I have never experienced anything quite like that. It was like I was a celebrity or something. People were not bowing and scraping, but rather acting like I was THE most important thing they had that day, that there was NO OTHER REASON for them to be there. When I thought back, I realized that everyone that I had to interact with personally (except the one girl at the car rental place) acted that way—like I was their reason for being. I cannot express how that made me feel.

It made me humble and grateful. You know when someone is truly happy to be with you, truly wants to help you—you can feel it in your soul. THIS was my experience. It has only happened that once, and I do not know if it will happen again, but I am thankful to the Lord for it. It was beautiful and tender and buoyed me.

I checked in at billeting and they were able to give me a room key for that day. They were concerned about what room I had, probably because my husband is an officer, but I told them “I just want a bed and a bathroom, it does not matter the size.”.

The room key was one of those plastic, slide-in-the-slot things. There was a paper wrapper that the key fit in that had a coupon for 10% off of a purchase at the BX (the store on base…kinda like a small walmart), and half off a meal at the food court. When the clerk pointed that out to me, I was tickled and said “Oh thanks!”. (this will come into play later).

However, the problem was that I would only be in that room one or two nights, then I would be having to wait and see if someone cancelled their reservation and move rooms. If I had to do that, I would but really, at this point, I knew that I just wanted ONE place to stay for the rest of the trip. The front desk clerk said that I needed to wait for the manager, to speak to her, and that maybe they could work something out. I sat in the lobby and waited for a while.

After about 20 minutes, the manager was available. I told her my dilemma, and told her I did not care what kind of room it was. Unfortunately, they did not have a room for me that would go the whole time. What she could do, though, is give me a “non-availability statement”. This is a note that basically tells the military “We could not fit her in, so she had to stay off base”. See, because I was “on orders” (meaning officially covered by the military to travel), they would pay for my hotel room. However, they, of course, want me to stay on base as it is basically just their same money going back to them. If, though, there is no room on base, they will pay for me to stay off base—they do not just say “Sure hate it for ya”.

However, in order for them to pay for me to stay off base, I needed the non-availability statement, as billeting is much cheaper than off base hotels. The manager, Anne, was more than happy to give that to me (her heart was turned to me too!). I asked her if she knew of any place off base I could stay. I was worried that I would end up being in an unsafe, unsanitary motel somewhere. She called a couple of places that she knew well (as she seemed familiar with the people she was talking with). She did find a place for me further down the highway, but not too far. It was called “Shiloh Inn”. She asked me if that was ok. I had never heard of it, and asked her if it was relatively clean and safe. She assured me that it was a nice place. I really did not have a whole lot of choice at that point, so I said ok.

Now, remember, I am rather at wits end at this point. I had been going relatively non-stop for about 2.5 days. I asked her what I need to do with the room they already assigned me. She asked if I had been in the room and I told her no, that I had just been in the lobby. She said just turn the key in. So I went back to the front desk and explained what had just happened. I assured her as well that I had not gone to the room, had been in the lobby of billeting the whole time. She said it was no problem and took the key BUT handed the little cover back to me so I could get the coupons. I tried to give it back to her, as I felt it was a little unfair since I was not staying there. But she insisted that I take it. Honestly, I about cried right there. I know that half off a burger from burger king might not seem like much, but to me, it was the world. It was provision and kindness and mercy and love. It was the Lord providing and people being wonderful to me. It meant….everything—it represented all the kindness and mercy I had been shown. I did not cry at the desk, but thanked her profusely and walked to my car with my eyes filling with tears. I still have that little paper sleeve. It is in my wallet as a small testament to yet another of a million miracles of this day.

Day Before Surgery pt 2 Priests and Prayer

2009-11-27T08:22:00.000-09:00

It was the day before surgery…at least I think these events took place the day before surgery. To be honest, I am trying to remember if these in this blog happened on Tuesday or Wednesday.

In any case, let’s just say Tuesday.

One thing I wanted to mention was that Ashton’s room had a huge picture window that overlooked Mt Ranier. WOW that was beautiful! However, I have also watched entirely too many disaster movies and was hoping that it was not going to erupt. Yeah, I know, ridiculous.

At one point a Catholic priest came in to talk to us. He was a VERY old man. He was part of the hospital, was coming to see how we were doing. We talked for a long time. He mentioned a Catholic holiday of some sort, some sort of feast day was on Wednesday. I asked him a lot of questions about his work, his faith. I apologized for being inquisitive, and mentioned that I do not know a lot about Catholicism as we are protestant. He looked a little taken aback. Apparently he had been told that we were Catholic. It was not too long after that that he left. He was mostly responsible for the Catholic patients in the hospital. I was a little saddened, but I understood.

The Lord moves in ways I do not understand. While it seems that this conversation might not have been as….fruitful as I might have hoped, this conversation with the priest will have repercussions later that I still do not understand the significance of BUT am convinced is not coincidence.

After this, later on that day, I went to the chaplain’s office in the hospital to let them know there had been a mistake. I also went into the chapel. I so wanted someone to come in from the chaplain’s office and talk to me. I wanted to tell more people about what was going on in my life, how my husband is having brain surgery. I just wanted to talk, to hear someone talk to me. However, no one came in. I noticed the flower arrangements were looking pretty dismal. I picked up a petal from the floor. I wandered around the room a while, praying and waiting. Then I finally left.

See, the Lord knew I did not need someone to talk to because the Lord wanted me to focus on Him. He has been teaching me that what I think I “need emotionally” is generally not what I REALLY need. The spirit overrides the emotions. Emotions are fickle, changeable with blood sugar levels, sleep, hormones. What I WANT in my heart cannot give me what the Lord gives me in my SPIRIT. If someone came in, I would have poured out my heart, but the Lord wanted to fill up my soul. My strength is not from getting what I want in my heart, but allowing the Lord to strengthen my soul. Does that make sense?

Day Before Surgery--Meeting Dr. Ha

2009-11-27T08:20:00.000-09:00

Day Before Surgery pt 1

On the day before surgery, that Tuesday, I got to meet the doctor who was going to perform Ash’s surgery. His name was Dr. Ha.

What can I say about him? First of all, he is incredible and I am thankful that the Lord brought him to us.

Dr. Ha is a young man…maybe my age (no snickers from the peanut gallery! Hee hee). He is pleasantly intense, quick, sharp, bright. But the oddest thing about him is that he talks just like me. I never realized or thought of how I communicate until I heard him, then I recognized how his mind was moving, as it would move just like mine would have in his shoes. I had never heard anyone talk like I do—rapid fire, pause to think of an analogy, rapid fire, change subject mid sentence, rapid fire, pause, etc. Talking to him cracked me up.

For example, one time he came in and started talking about something about the surgery, then interrupted himself MID SENTENCE and said “Did you know that Sarah Palin is resigning as governor?”. The change was SO abrupt, as if I said “I took my care into the shop and it needs a new…hey did you know that Eggo came out with a different flavor of waffle?”. I realize now what Ashton experiences when my brain moves faster than my mouth lolol!

Plus Dr. Ha had so many analogies to explain things. I am sort of a medical wannabe, so I could follow what he said, but he is used to talking to people who do not know anything about medicine, so he used examples and analogies liberally, likening taking out the tumor with various ways of getting an elephant out of a room, etc.

Now, while this tickled me, it greatly reassured Ashton. Dr. Ha was familiar to him because he talked like me. I am thankful to the Lord for this tiny detail that meant so incredibly much to both Ashton and me. I got to see myself from the outside, and Ashton got a Dr that he was already familiar with, though they had just met. Amazingly wonderful blessing from the Lord!

I remember one conversation, though, with Dr. Ha that was very sobering. I knew that this was a brain tumor, but that it was between the brain and the skull. I was taking a bit of…false encouragement. I asked Dr. Ha what the risks are: behavior change? Cognitive problems? What about…well… you know. And he said, looking at me plainly and boring into my eyes “Yes.”. I said “Really?”, because he seemed so capable, the tumor seemed not to be IN the brain. I just was thinking of this like a…a higher stakes mole removal. He said again “Yes, everything. All of that could happen. This is the riskiest surgery there is.”. I said “REALLY?” again, thinking that this is not like open heart surgery. He said “We are operating on the brain. That’s [that area in the brain they were operating on] where speech and personality are.”. He went on for another sentence or two.

It was an odd conversation. He was not jovial as I had come to expect. He did not seem to intend to be reassuring in the least. He was very very frank. He looked at me without blinking as if he was willing me to understand. I understood. I definitely understood.

My husband is such a blessing to me. His personality is what the Lord has used to mold MY personality. Ash and I are polar opposites…literally hot and cold. We share the same values in our spirit, but our minds and our personalities could NOT be more different. He is very much an introvert, I am EXHILARATED by people, and in fact have more energy AFTER a party than before.

He is organized, methodical. I am random and disorganized. He is detail oriented. I am “whole picture” oriented. He has to have everything put away. I have to have everything where I can see it. He is meticulous. I am messy. He is pessimistic, I am the ETERNAL optimist about most things, with an “Oh I can do that” attitude (whether I CAN do it or not). He is a planner. I do not even know what day it is most days, and I am not comfortable with structure. He is logistic. I am holistic. He is calm and easy going. No matter what emotion I am feeling, I am feeling it 120%. I am hot tempered, he is almost NEVER angry or upset.

That cool, capable, unflappable, easy going personality is what the Lord has used to back me down from so many crises and anxiety disorder. He is a rock that I constantly crash against, and he does not seem to resent that fact at all. In fact, it almost seems to me that he relishes being strong enough to be still against my emotional ocean. I flatter myself to think that maybe I bring a little color and excitement to his life with my ways and habits, but maybe not.

Anyway, I have learned so much from him. It frightened me to think that he might change, might be different. What if he became more volatile? What if he did not like me anymore? What if his emotional center was damaged and I had to be the calm one? What if his personality changed so much that he did not want to be married to me anymore?

To be honest, I feared that a LOT more than I feared him dying. I feared that he would wake up a different man than I married. I have a degree in psychology, I know a little bit about traumatic brain injuries. I know that sometimes people can emerge totally different than they were. I knew I could handle him being physically damaged—paralyzed or something. That was not a problem. I knew I could handle if he was mentally impaired—not as brilliant as he is. That was a little more difficult, but still something I was ready to handle. I could even handle the pain of him dying—it would have been excruciating, but I knew it could happen. However, I begged the Lord for him not to be changed in who he is. THAT was my greatest fear, that he could turn into someone who hated me or our kids, or who was abusive or cruel.

I will say now, since I have wandered down that awful path of “what if” with you, that the Lord was again more merciful than I deserve and Ash DID change, but only for the better. He did not change in terms of personality, but rather in terms of realizing that life is precious and fragile. Things do not bother him at work like they did. He has better perspective. He does seem to forget a detail here or there, but really no one else would notice but me, and frankly that could just be my imagination because it is so slight. The Lord brought him through intact.

Our first day….

2009-10-16T09:19:00.003-08:00

Ashton was up in the nurse’s tower. I parked on that side of the hospital and carried our bags up to his room.

I will be honest, I do not remember a whole lot about that first day. I remember that Ashton’s roommate was a 74 yr old man who was in excellent shape and sharp as a tack. I remember that the room had a large picture window that looked at Mt Ranier.

The nurse assigned to us was a ...jubilant young man. Jubilant is the only word that even comes close to describing his character. He was a little scruffy, and had a personality that was barely contained in his small frame. He was a mountain climber and he and his wife worked in the hospital. We met his wife later, and, while he was definitely the more outgoing of the two, she was very sweet and open. I loved how they seemed to be so perfectly at ease with each other.

I got a phone call later that day from a woman named Jennifer Carlson. She is a friend of my sister in law (also named Jennifer). She said that she had something for me and could she drop by the hospital. I met her in the lobby and she said “This is from Jennifer (my sil)” and she gave me a big hug that went on for a long time. I was so grateful for that hug!

She also brought me a gift bag FILLED with all sorts of treasures, a few of which would prove vital to my wellbeing in the days to come. There were magazines, games, pens and paper, snacks, and drinks. I was delighted with all of that, and especially touched that a woman who did not know me, but lived in the area and knew my sil, would spend that much time and money to take care of me.

She asked me if I had had supper (this was about 9 pm). I said no. She asked me if I had been eating much. I hemmed a bit. Frankly I had been too busy and too anxious to eat much. She offered to take me to supper, but it was late, so I declined. She gently urged me to let her get me some food, but honestly I was too anxious to eat. I realized later that every bit of my anxiety was manifesting in what I would eat. I could be perfectly calm as the doctor would give a report or caution, but would panic trying to decide if I should have an orange juice or a coke.
We said our goodbyes, she told me to contact her if I needed anything, and gave me a hug and left.

I also remember that no one said anything to me about visiting hours, either me staying late or me coming in early. We figured that they knew it might be our last night and were not going to push the issue. However, Ash suggested that I go back to the room that night for a few hours to try to sleep.

This is where the night gets a little weird. It was dusk when I was leaving, but the sun sets very late that time of year. Earlier that day I had seen a man and a woman in an elevator. We made eye contact, said hello, and then went on our way.
However, later that night I saw the same man again. He seemed to be paying attention to me as I was leaving to go back to the room. He walked ahead but also seemed to be trying to keep tabs of where I was at the same time. It really made me nervous, but also made me defensive and slightly angry. I can be a fighter when I need to be.

So I ducked behind my car on the passenger’s side and watched him. He got into his car, but then did not leave. I was tired of feeling “stalked”, so I got into my car and drove deliberately by his car to get a license plate number. I was not sure that he was up to no good, but I wanted his license anyway. I drove into another adjacent parking lot and waited to see if he would follow. I pulled in where I could see him coming if he did, and I called Ashton. I told Ashton what was going on, though I hated that I was giving him stress the night before his surgery! I just did not know what else to do. We waited for several minutes, but the guy never came by.

Ash was calming and said to just go to the hotel, park in the front, and not open my door to anyone. I figured that by the time I got to the hotel, I would know if the guy was following me.

I drove off base, watching for his car. It was a several minute drive to the hotel, and I never saw his car, though by this time it was dark. I decided to take an earlier exit, thinking it would get me to my hotel more quickly. It didn’t. I ended up getting lost. This did NOT help my skittish nerves any at all.

I knew the direction of my hotel (it was right off the highway) and knew that I was probably less than a mile from it…I just could not seem to get there from where I was. I slowly picked my way through residential streets when suddenly I saw a deer in the road. It just appeared so quickly! I was not going fast, but it was wholly unexpected. Not too long after that, I saw a cat that looked just like my cat sitting in a driveway.

Seriously, I wondered if I was losing the road in a mental sense, not just literally at that point. The stress of the past week (both happy stress from the frantic getting ready for the tea party and then the life or death stress of Ash), very little sleep, almost no food, dehydration, and the stranger in the parking lot was certainly a lot for me to handle. I thought if I saw one more odd thing (like any other animals that looked like my pets!), that I would say that I had mentally reached the end of my rope.

However, thank the Lord, there was nothing more odd that night. I finally found my hotel, circled the parking lot looking for that man’s car, then quickly went into the hotel. I told the front desk lady (not Mercy this time) not to give my name or room number out, that I had seen a stranger. She assured me that they never give that information out. I went into my room and called Ashton. I took a super quick shower (I always feel vulnerable in the shower because I cannot hear anything) then got into bed. I set my alarm for a few hours later and fell into a deep sleep.

Thinking more rationally now, I have two more plausible theories about that stranger in the parking lot. The first is “Coincidence. He was not waiting for me, was not hesitating for me. Had his own things going on and I just misread the situation.”
The second is that I had been wearing my headcovering, and he had a large cross hanging in his car. I wonder if he was just curious and wanting to talk to me, as I got the idea from seeing him earlier in the day that he was a gregarious type of fellow.

Madigan

2009-10-16T07:55:00.005-08:00

I do not know if I mentioned much about the tumor itself I promise I will not get too graphic in this description!). It was the size of a ping pong ball, and was between the skull and the brain and down into the left eye socket. Because of the size and area, everyone was prepared for emergency surgery on Tuesday (remember, we flew down Monday night.). The neurosurgeon had said “Get him here NOW”.

However, when they saw how healthy Ashton was, the neurosurgeon, Dr. Ha, decided to wait one more day. This allowed them to get better tests and proceed carefully, not hurriedly.

I called Ashton when I got into the room that first night. He had been in-processed (an ordeal in itself involving a few missteps which required him to get multiple blood tests and an apology from the hospital staff!), and had been informed by Dr. Ha that the surgery was postponed. So when I called, Ashton suggested that I try to come in at 8 am, and that I should get some sleep until then.

I drove up to Madigan hospital that morning. It is a beautiful, healing place—truly you can feel the healing in the air. It has an outpatient “medical mall” that is very reminiscent of a 2 story shopping mall. The ceiling of the mall is all skylights with light diffusing fabric billowed across the mall. Each specialty (peds, immunization, neuro, etc) are tucked along each side, both upstairs and downstairs, with groups of chairs in front of each specialty desk. There is a large escalator in the middle of the mall.

The medical mall connects to what I think is called the nursing tower. It is 7 stories of offices, OR’s, and wards. The two are connected with a tall, narrow passage that is glass on both sides. Outside of the glass is a courtyard. The courtyard is a beautiful, wonderful place! It has a meandering little stream strewn with small rocks and grassy parts. This stream goes between the buildings and out the other side into a quiet “botanical garden” looking area with weeping willow trees, lots of green grass and wonderful flowers, and many different benches and areas that are tucked here and there. You can tell it was designed not only to heal the body, but provide soothing environments for the spirit and mind as well.

The highlight of the courtyard is the two swans that inhabit it. They are the classic, breathtaking swans with the graceful arched necks. They paddle around in the stream, then doze and preen on the grass. There is a sidewalk that you can walk on through the courtyard, and the swans will be napping just inches from your feet! There are no fences, no barriers. Just a little touch of soothing nature for the broken and wounded soldiers and dependents who come to Madigan to be treated and convalesce.

Oh and there is an Anthony’s pizza too hee hee. For those of you who are not in the military, anthony’s pizza is a staple of most, if not all, bases across the globe. Tis a hard, remote assignment that does not at least have an anthony’s pizza! It is not gourmet pizza, but it is familiar and the slices are big. It was in the basement of the nurse’s tower with the mess hall, a shoppette, and a barber shop.

Finding Mercy

2009-10-15T09:01:00.003-08:00

I made my way through Seattle and Tacoma without incident. I was afraid I might get drowsy driving that way in the dark, but I didn't. The Lord refreshed me, kept me clear and alert.

I was not sure what my hotel was going to be like. It was not a chain that I had heard of, so I was afraid it might not be clean. When I was a kid, we were traveling with some friends and ended up at a motel that was dreadful. The bathtub was only about 2 feet long, there was commotion and chaos, and the room was so filthy that I imagined rats were climbing on the bed. I ended up spending most of the night in the bathroom with the light on. Ever since then, I have been wary of hotels I had not heard of.

I needn’t have worried. The Liberty Inn was a beautiful, new, shiny hotel. It had a huge, tastefully decorated foyer. It was nestled in the town center of one of the upscale little hamlets in the area, where the main drag is all posh coffee shops, book stores, and wood-fired-oven pizza restaurants. The wait staff were smiling, friendly people, and you almost expected them to break into some sort of song like in a Broadway musical.

I was amazed that the room had stone counters by the sink. Stone! I am not sure if it was granite or what, but it was beautiful. I remembered turning on the water and the blast of chlorine smell hit me. We are on well water here in Alaska, so chlorinated water was quite a shock. It smelled much stronger than it tasted, and it was easy to drink, so it was not a big deal. It just startled me.

The person I remember most at that hotel was named, perfectly enough, Mercy. Honestly, I wonder if she was yet another angel the Lord put in my path. She worked the front desk there. As I checked in, I told her about what was going on. You know me, I have very little in terms of filter between emotions and mouth, so I am pretty much an open book. She listened so attentively to me, with gasps of sympathy and expressions of care. I found out later that she told other ladies that she worked with my story, so when I walked through the foyer on my trips to and from the hospital, I always encountered sympathetic looks and murmurs.

She asked me often how Ashton was doing. She also noticed that I was not sleeping in long stretches, nor eating much. One morning she insisted that I get something from the continental breakfast to take with me. She then turned to the lady setting out the food and told her to get me anything I needed. I loved Mercy, she was yet another person that the Lord put in my path to take care of me. When I ended up having to move to another hotel, I missed her terribly! Please take a moment to pray for her, that the Lord will bless her for being a faithful, kind woman. Thank the Lord for her for me, as I do not feel that my prayers of thanks are enough for the kindness she showed. She earned the name she was given. Thank You Lord!

Landing in Seattle

2009-10-15T08:54:00.003-08:00

As soon as the plane touched down, Ash and I were talking on the phone. He had landed not too long before I did, but he landed at Ft. Lewis with the med evac. He was going to be checked into the hospital. I was to call him when I was settled in at the hotel. I had to make my way from the airport in Seattle to my hotel on the other side of Tacoma.

To be honest, I was not sure how to even rent my car! Thank the good Lord again for Stephanie Rowland—she had everything set up for me. The airport was quiet for as busy as Sea Tac usually is. I made my way to the car rental counter. There was a young woman working there. She must have been having a bad day or something as she was so very sullen! I would have thought she was taking offense at my headcovering, but she was wearing a small cross around her neck. I was not sure what to say to her. Not that I am trying to be judgmental at all! This is not a dig against her at all…I cannot imagine what must have been going on in her life to make her so thoroughly unhappy. It seemd that it was not just a “late night tired” sort of thing, but something upsetting her. I just tried to be as smiling and gentle as I could as she got my paperwork done. I left her wishing I could have done something to help.

I found my car—a non-descript, dull grey, sub-sub-sub compact buggy. Oh that car cracked us up! It TOTALLY ruined my parking skills (ask Ashton, he’ll tell you!). It took me days to figure out how to park that car, then took me weeks to relearn how to park my suburban at home! We joked that that car was small enough to parallel park in a straight parking space. It also had very low ground clearance, so I invariably ended up scraping the bottom of it on the curbs. It only drove up to about 59 mph comfortably, and started a very disconcerting shiver at 60 mph. The great thing about it, though, was that it could zip-zip in and out of traffic with ease, like a little mouse scampering around 18 wheeled cats. I even found myself making “zip zip” sound effects when changing lanes or pulling into traffic. I told Ashton that it was good that it was maneuverable, as that was its only protective feature—if we were in an accident, we were toast. Our only hope was to be able to skitter out of the way of danger.

I do not know what time it was at this point. I want to say 2 am-ish. I had about 45 minutes of drive to go in a town that I was wholly unfamiliar with. I should probably mention now that I have a very loose association with direction. I never worry when I am lost (I am optimistic that “eventually” I will find my way), but I am also rarely certain of where I am. I have lived in Alaska for over 10 years and am still not sure what some of the main roads are called.

With map in hand, I start driving towards where my hotel is (at least I think I am). It felt kind of good to have to take care of “grown up things” like car rentals and finding hotels, though really I was not doing it, the Lord had everything taken care of. It still seemed like a “big girl adventure”.

The Plane Rides

2009-10-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

I had to fly down to Anchorage, switch planes, then continue to Seattle. I will say that the plane rides themselves were the only parts of the trip that I remember where people were not as open to me. I remember wanting so much to talk to someone on the flight, to let them know just a little bit about what I was going through. However, no one on the flights were very open.

While that is sort of odd, especially in light of how the rest of the trip went with people being very receptive and kind, I know that the Lord knew what was best. I needed time with Him. I needed to be alone. Sometimes we think we need people when what we ALWAYS need first is Him. He gave me several hours of being alone, surrounded by people, to just settle down and be in His presence. The next two weeks were going to be full of people and events. I would not have another block of hours that would be empty for a couple of weeks. This is what I needed, though at the time I did not realize that.

At The Airport

2009-10-15T07:42:00.001-08:00

Jennifer dropped me off at the airport and said she was going to park the car. I was running late, so I RACED to check in. I flew through the check in process, and the lady behind the counter was friendly and sweet. I noticed later during this trial that the Lord made it so that everyone’s heart was turned to me. It was weird. It was like everyone was my best friend trying to make my situation better. I had never had that before from so many perfect strangers! I wonder if He lined my way with angels.

I waited as long as I could for Jennifer to bring the babies in so I could say goodbye to them. However, I was late for the plane and had to hurry through security. I realized that I would not get to hug my babies goodbye as I stood there in the TSA line. That thought broke my heart. I was hoping, hoping, hoping that I could just see them, that they would suddenly appear and I could say “Wait! Let me go hug them quick and get back in line.”. There just was not enough time.

Then TSA found two multi-tools that I had forgotten I had in my bag. Now, we are in Alaska, as I mentioned. EVERYONE carries something. However, I had thought that I had gotten all of them out of my bag. I carry a large backpack (a habit I got into when I was in middle school and never quite stopped doing). In the rush, I forgot to check all the pockets and left a leatherman and a “guppy” which is sort of like a carabiner with little screw heads, a small knife, I think it has a flashlight or something too. Anyway, both of those were gifts from Ashton. I was getting more upset by this time (not angry, just trying not to cry in front of the TSA folk). I was afraid I was going to get in some sort of trouble, but the TSA lady was SO nice! She suggested that I could just put those in an envelope and mail them back to myself, but I did not have time. I told her just to take them and went to my plane.

I sat down in the plane and called Jen before we took off. I got to hear my precious children’s voices, and I said I was sorry I could not give them a hug before I left. I told them I loved them and to be good. I asked Jen to please hug them for me…it was VERY important to me that the kids got a hug—like life or death important to me. Probably because life just seemed so fragile at that point, had been turned so upside down. Everything was uncertain. I just begged her to please give them a hug from me. Then I said goodbye.

As I sat back in the seat, I cried just a few tears. Not many, as I was afraid that the emotions of the day were such that if I started crying, I would not be able to stop or control my emotions. If they got out, they would be impossible to put back, I was afraid. So I cried a few tears, prayed more to the Lord that I would get to come home to my babies, that I would get to hug them again, and settled back for the flight.

The Lord provides more help for us

2009-09-17T13:05:00.005-08:00

I came home after leaving TWS to med evac. They had talked that he might get the Leer jet to Seattle, but the King Air was the one that was available. As I mentioned previously, they had to fly below a certain altitude because it could have been bad for him if they had depressurized. He said they were flying through the valleys, with mountains on both sides. I bet it was a beautiful flight.

He seemed to handle the flight pretty well, but the nurse saw that his oxygen rate would fall if he started to doze off. So they kept him talking. They told him that he was the "healthiest sick person" they had ever had to travel with!

They gave him some trail mix that a nurse had and he drank a coke that I had brought for him. In fact, when I was frantically packing his stuff I remember hollering out "DADDY NEEDS A COKE!" hoing one of the kids would hear and bring one from downstairs(chuckle).

They were able to meet up with the Leer jet in Ketchikan, which was good because the King Air takes a LONG time to fly. What should have been a 4 hour trip would have been 7 or 8. I would have beat him to Seattle, even though my plane took off a couple of hours later (he had already landed by the time I got there later that night).

I went back home again, trying to get my thoughts together. I had typed numerous notes on my iphone, which I was so thankful to have! Ashton had bought it for me because he said that it looked easiest to use....sometimes being technologically inept works in my favor :).

Maj Rowland was working out all my paperwork, and arranged my flight for 7 pm that night. When I got back to the house, Jennifer was making rice in the kitchen and had my kitchen cleaned. The laundry was almost all done, and the kids were so proud of the work they had done. I was so proud of them too!

I had called my neighbor Jeanne and she offered to take care of the cat for me. Though many people offered to take the kids, Jennifer had already decided to take the kids AND the guinea pigs to her house. I shoved stuff in a suitcase as quickly as I could. Jeanne stopped by, as did Stephanie Rowland. I tried to eat a piece of pizza, but I did not have much of an appetite.

Suddenly it was PAST time to get to the airport. Jennifer managed to get kids, luggage for them and myself, and two guinea pigs in her explorer. I have no idea how...the Lord must have altered the laws of physics just for me lolol. On the way to the airport, I tried to organize my purse and take out my pocket knives—I am in Alaska, we have TONS of pocket knives. I still missed two of my favorites which ended up being confiscated by the TSA :(.

TWS’s father had once given us some emergency cash and I was so thankful to have it! I split it up into cash for me, and then gave the rest to Jen for her to use and take home.

On the way to the airport was when I talked to my mom about how I felt. I know I mentioned it in a previous post, but I just want to reiterate: Ever since I was a child, the Lord had been teaching me, guiding me, having me endure things that tested and stretched my heart and mind. Every bad thing that happened since I was a child was now working FOR me. The hateful, cruel bullying I endured as a child gave me the defense mechanism of being able to isolate, to wall off emotion. The thoughts of an overactive imagination of a child about the end of the world, of death, of war were a constant training for a REAL battle. I was facing a crisis in my life, but I had faced crises in my head for years. It was not new ground to me.

I think that boggles my mind the most. When a crisis hit, it was not new, it was not novel. It was....familiar. I had been in that moment before, though mostly in my imagination, dreams, nightmares. I had also faced crises in real life: tornadoes spinning over my house, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, typhoons, accidents, etc.

So when I found myself facing another crisis, the Lord had already strengthened me for it. He had already prepared me for this battle, by arming me and training me from childhood.

In fact, when I came home, long after the surgery was done, I found myself restless. Honestly, I felt better being challenged than I did at rest. Being at rest makes me restless, if that makes sense. I DEFINITELY do not want any more harm to befall us! NOT AT ALL! But I wonder if maybe I might have been good as a paramedic or search and rescue or someone else who spent their lives in the middle of crises.

I know I am belaboring this point. I had basically said all this in another post. It just is so important to me. It is a key that puts order in my life. This is helping me learn that the next time tragedy befalls, that I need to try to look at it through the eyes of faith to ask "How is the Lord going to use this for my good? How can I glorify Him in this?".

A Poignant Picture

2009-09-17T12:19:00.004-08:00

In the ER, we were in a quiet room. Jeff somehow got on base and was able to sit with TWS as I was at home getting his things together. That meant a great deal to me. Jeff is an ordained pastor, and, while he is new and not our pastor, it was so interesting to me to think of Jeff as being there in a pastoral mode, providing comfort to TWS. I don’t know, it just meant a lot. I was disappointed when he left, though I am sure he just wanted to give us some time alone.

I remembered that my cell phone takes pictures. I wanted to take a picture of us together, as this might be our last one. I did not say that to TWS, but I think he knew. We knew a lot more than we were saying at that time, mostly about fear and what we were feeling. I am still amazed at the calmness of the whole thing, as if they had told TWS that he was perfectly healthy, just needed a check up or something.

The med evac team came. They were wonderfully sweet and loaded him up onto a gurney. I had been afraid that they wanted me to come on a helicopter with them, or in a cramped plane. I would have in a heartbeat, but it made me nervous. However, there was no room for me, so I would have to fly commercial. I hated being away from him, but he looked so healthy and normal, that it was not a major stress for me to take a different plane.

He was wheeled out of the ER and I went home.

What I was afraid might be our last picture together.

The Lord Provides Good Babies

2009-09-16T09:35:00.000-08:00

I then called my folks and told them. My dad, in a bit of uncharacteristically rough vernacular said that “This scares me poopless.”. I chuckled a little and said “That’s funny, because it makes me want to tee.”. For some reason, that interplay of words still strikes me as funny.

They were visiting my brother in Virginia, but they offered to fly out, to do whatever they needed to. However, at the time there was nothing for them to do. I was not even sure what *I* was doing at that point.

Now, during this time, I was driving down a road that was posted for 55 mph. But for some reason that I cannot fathom, the two cars ahead of me were only going 45. Now one was a truck filled with roof trusses, but I assumed that we would go faster when they turned off. NO! EVERY car was going 45 mph THE WHOLE WAY HOME. And when I say the whole way home, I mean one slow car even turned down our street! I have never experienced that before in my life—no traffic to speak of, no weather, midday, and no reason to go 45 mph. I honestly wondered if perhaps I was just losing mental ground from the shock and was just imagining that cars were going that slowly. Was I going crazy?

What do I tell the kids? I had always maintained that honesty was the best policy, and I would not say “Oh daddy is fine…we are just spontaneously flying out to Seattle for a checkup.”. No, that would not do. I never lied about Santa, the tooth fairy, or the Easter bunny, I was not going to lie to them about something so important.

I walk into the house and, still mindful that his med evac plane could arrive at any moment, talked to the kids. I told them that daddy has a brain tumor, that we have to fly to Seattle to get it removed. I told them that I had to pack for daddy and that I needed them to help with the work. I told them to pack as if they were going to Seattle for a week, to clean the guinea pig cages, to clean the cat litter, and to start the laundry. I put on my best, encouraging, coaching/drill sargeant voice--upbeat and caring, but no-nonsense and brisk.

They were amazing, thank the Lord! It was as if the Lord kept all of us calm and relaxed. No tears, no hysterics. They were shocked, of course, but then jumped into action in the middle of the crisis. They were just as brisk and businesslike and upbeat as I had tried to be for them. They were incredible troopers.

Leaving them downstairs to get organized, I got the bag out for TWS's stuff and started packing. I soon realized that I put NINE pairs of gym shorts in there for him. Nine. Like he was going to go to the gym nine times after brain surgery. Plus I was going to rapidly run out of room! I removed some of the shorts, and raced around looking for the other clothing and books and electronics that he had requested.

Jen had not arrived by the time I was ready to leave. I hated leaving the kids alone at this time, but I had to get the stuff to TWS. They were doing well, though. I drove back to base.

The Lord Had Brought Training

2009-09-16T09:34:00.015-08:00

I had told TWS that I would call his folks, but was afraid. How do you tell a mother that her only son has a brain tumor? Even now, weeks later, I feel my pulse quicken and the pit in my stomach just thinking about it. However, I could not get a hold of them. I tried their home number, and could not reach them. I think I tried his dad's cell as well, each ring of the phone making my stomach more nauseated with sorrow and anxiety for them. I was frustrated by the fact that I could not reach them, and mournful, and honestly, a little relieved.

I hung up, and I thought of how I was going to react, what I was going to do. The one good thing about being someone who both majored in psychology AND fancies themselves scientifically minded is that you automatically take quiet moments to rehash, rehearse, and analyze crises and your reactions to them.

Sometimes this just means that you spent your whole day staring at your belly button with nothing to show for it. But this time it was powerfully helpful. I asked myself: "How am I going to handle this? What are my feelings? What are my choices?".

I also asked myself "How would my parents handle this?". I knew the answer: they would be strong, be faithful. I had seen their faith in God in time of crisis. When my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast to bone cancer, they were strong. My mom endured without complaint, with dignity, courage, and faith that the Lord was in control. For my father, the battle was harsher. Honestly, it is one thing to be the sick person, it is another to be the well person watching your mate, your life, your love laying in bed and in pain. It is helpless and awful to be the one who has to watch as your world crumbles around you. My mom is my dad's world, his entire world.

I remember coming in to the study just a couple of weeks after her diagnosis. We had just moved in to our house in Alaska, but they flew me back immediately, as they did not think she would last two weeks. My dad had been crying. His eyes were wide with torment and begging as he turned to me and said "What am I supposed to do? Tell God that I do not trust Him now? I have to trust God now. If I don't, then all of my teaching is a lie. All that time teaching cadets about God was wasted. Faith in good times is NOT faith.". Even in his anguish, he understood that the Lord is the Lord of all. (Praise the Lord that He had mercy on us and she is happy and healthy to this day!).

No, they would not fall apart. Mom probably would be the most stoic--steady and calm. Dad would be a force of nature, trying to make things HAPPEN, to try to MAKE the universe obey his will. They would handle this crisis with grace and power and determination. I had to live up to that. I could not be less than what they would have been, it would have been too shaming.

It was this moment that the Lord was bringing me to a culmination of my life. A couple of hours later I would realize this consciously, but right then, instinctively, the Lord had me choose well. I could separate the emotion from the duty. Or rather, I could choose the emotions of faithfulness and determination over the emotions of terror and sorrow.

I had a choice, but really I didn't. I had been trained by Him through my parents. Once you know there is a choice, that one is better, you are morally bound to take that choice. I am not a great person, but the Lord showed me right from wrong, and gave me parents who insisted I choose right from when I was a kid. I was raised in a household with incredible expectations and examples of behavior.

The thing is, though, that I am not a strong woman. Stubborn? Oh yeah :). But not strong, not noble, not self sacrificing. I am weak, selfish, petulant. But *HE* made me able to endure, gave me strength. There is nothing good in me, nothing at all, that the Lord did not put there. I deserve no credit at all, and I speak this from the position of someone being in that moment and had seen clearly what He has done in her life. It was not me at all. It was Him. I have spent many years of my life agonizing, literally, over what glass in the cabinet to drink water from. I do not have faith enough for daily life sometimes!! But He gave me faith and strength for this crisis. He trained me for this.

Later when talking to my mom, I would try to explain this. I told her "I was created for THIS moment. My whole life was planning for this. This is the culmination of my existence. This is what I was made for.".

All of this "training" started when I was young. There are many things in my childhood that had left deep and painful wounds that had never really quite healed (until now, that is). I was brutally teased as a child...even to the point where two teenaged boys burned the back of my leg with a lighter as a joke. I was spat upon, had things stolen from my hands. I was mocked and betrayed. I had no defense because I had no idea that you could build walls, put on a game face. I was, by nature, transparent through and through. A bully saying "I hate you" went just as deeply as my parents saying "I love you". I had no filter, no discernment. And when you hear "You're ugly, we don't like you, go away" every day...well even if you did not know the person who said it, their words were just as hurtful as if they had been your best friend. There were times when I would come home crying every day.

I had no defense to keep the barbs from piercing my heart, but I subconsciously did develop a way of distancing myself after the fact. The emotional wounds were still there, but I knew how to splint the wound enough to keep functioning. I learned how to take a punch and keep walking.

(I do have to say here that the Lord was merciful, even during this time. He always made sure that I had at least one TRUE friend who loved me. I was never utterly alone.)

The Lord also showed me how another part of my childhood was a training for this moment. Many people live their lives in a relatively comfortable and stable setting. They are born, live, die all in the same area. Their parents have regular jobs. They have a home, and they live there, and it is pretty safe.
The world is what happens on the playground, in the home, in the town, and war was something very far away.

For me, war was on my front step every single day. I mean, you already can see that I am an overthinker, and was extremely sensitive :). Imagine that coupled with the fact that the rhythm of your family's life was set to the drumbeat of war. Instead of life centering around homecoming queens, it was centered around heroes coming home. My dad's "business trips" meant that we might not seen him for months. I was used to armed guards patrolling behind our house and the whine of alert klaxons. Our bookshelves were filled with Sun Tzu and Clauswitz. Wars, past, present and future, surrounded me every day since birth.

Millions of other kids grew up on military bases. Probably most children never thought a thing about it. I did. Some people shrug off, but I tend to want to stare into the abyss that is staring at me. The same transparency and vulnerability I had at school, I had in this. This upbringing was normal to me, but it left me no protective bubble of life. There was no "home", just another place to live for a year or three. There was no same set of people I knew for years. There was no peace, only a temporary cease-fire. There was very little stability. Other people have roots in the land, I had feathers in the air. I was not tied down, but I was also buffeted by every wind current.

However, I was not upset like I was at school. It made me proud, made me feel like part of something great--freedom and justice for those who could not protect themselves. I felt that "small town 4th of July" pride. There are few jobs that call for more sacrifice than the military, for both the military member and the family. It made me strong. But it also made me understand that life was fragile and precarious. Again, there was no ideal of "birth, graduate, marry your hs sweetheart, have babies, retire, then die in bed when you are 90". Life was so much more complex than that. It was politics and casualties and mercy and rescue and honor.

Maybe this is why I had been so fascinated with crisis. When I was...oh probably younger than 8, I started collecting first aid and catastrophe pamphlets from the Red Cross tables at fairs. You know, those ones with stick figure drawings telling you how to duck and cover during an earthquake or how to treat a broken arm? I kept them in a big bag and that was my pleasure reading. (yes, I was a weird headed little kid! lol)

There was a constant current in my childhood of the threat of the Russians attacking, of war. Many Sundays we would be in chapel, and suddenly the aircrews' radios would go off. We would stop and watch as they would file out slowly and somberly and quietly from their reserved pew in the back of the chapel. Sometimes my dad would be with them too, if he was on alert. We would not know if it was real or an exercise, we just knew that something had happened. They drifted out of the room like ghosts, leaving us there to wonder, fear, and pray in earnest. Can any child see the men leave, to know what that meant, and not be affected? I never knew if they were leaving due to exercise or to fight, and as a child, your thoughts naturally go to fear. How many times did I watch my dad go off to war, find that it was an exercise, only to have him go off to war again another time?

Or I think of when we would visit my dad at the alert facility where the aircrews stayed so they could scramble quickly to the airplanes if there was a threat. On Sunday, after church, the families could come. We would bring food from the base bowling alley: truly the most awful hamburgers ever made (ugh I hated those things!), and the most wonderful fries. We would gather at a plain, cinderblock building by the runway. The adults would stay inside and chat, while the kids would play in the small yard enclosed with high fences topped with razor wire. Such a familial gathering in a setting that was a constant reminder of of war, fear, and the transience of life. I can remember the smell and taste of the hamburgers, how I would scrape the soggy bun from the patty with my thumbnail, and how I could usually not bear to eat it, but would just eat the fries. I remember the flat of the ground, the blue of the sky, and the wind. I remember thinking it was beautiful but also....weighty? Poignant? Expectant? Sobering.

In both cases, the men going straight from church to war, and being a child visiting her father in a concertina wire rimmed yard, there was such an unreasonable juxtaposition of life and loss, family and war, faith and fear. No separation between. No clear battle lines, and behind which, safety. Not loss and then life, not fear and then faith, but fear upon faith, loss upon life, family upon war. A Cold War that raged in the experiences, the sensations, the mind and heart of me as a young girl.

It is the same juxtaposition of our experiences the day of diagnosis. A tumor upon a sinus infection. My husband, the picture of health, save a few headaches, being med evac’d from Alaska a thousand miles away. Him strong enough to build a deck, but too fragile in health to come pack his own socks for the trip.

In fact, the doctors all marveled at his robustness. They would pop their heads in the ER. They came to see the man who should be seizing or in a coma, but was strong and healthy. Mostly these tumors are caught in the ER when the patient is brought in tragically ill, not through a half moon infringement upon the CT scan of a strong man’s sinuses. (the tumor was the size of a ping pong ball, but only the side of it was visible in the CT scan--another miracle of the Lord! If it had been somewhere else, they might not have caught it!). He was, as the med evac troops put it, "the healthiest sick person they had ever transported". He was healthy enough to walk off the transport by himself, but too sick for them to fly above a certain altitude, so they had to wind their way through the valleys and canyons of Alaska wilderness.

And then there is me. So swayed at one point by OCD and panic disorder that I had been housebound for months in my life years earlier, yet so full of strength through the Lord, that I could fly down to Seattle with barely a thought. Later on my father would tell TWS "She handled this better than she handles her day to day life!", and he was utterly correct. The crisis was extreme, and so was the preparation that the Lord put me through for it. I had not known why the Lord had me endure so much strife until that VERY MOMENT when crisis struck. I had already lived through a million crises in my imagination, in my dreams, in my life. When the time came, His molding of me had been so complete that my reaction was automatic. The Lord ensured that I could be capable, able, strong FAR beyond my ability to be so.

I could see then how He had created, fashioned, molded my life for this moment. It was like a scene from a movie where the amnesiac has a sudden rush of memories and understanding of who they are. THAT was me. I did not have amnesia, of course, but there was that same rush of memories and understanding.

The Lord showed me that He DOES work everything out for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28). Every hardship that I had endured, that we all endure, prepares us for some time later in our lives. He never lets anything be wanton or useless in our lives. Even things that the enemy is trying to use to hurt us, the Lord, in His kindness, allows even those things to be used for good.

Not only that, but the pain that haunted me for years, even until this year, was erased. Those wounds healed instantly when the Lord showed me how He had turned that pain into strength. I was weak, now I am strong. I was wounded, now I am healed. I was broken, but He made me whole.

Please think about that. Think about your past hurts and understand that the Lord will bring about good in your life from those things. You might not have a spouse with a brain tumor or anything like that, but hopefully you will get a chance to see how the Lord has taken every hurtful thing in your life to create good for you. You will see the culmination of your life. You will pull sweet fruit from a bitter tree!! Suddenly nothing will be meaningless. Nothing will be useless or unfruitful. Suddenly you are not a victim anymore. No, you are no longer a victim. You are victorious in Christ. You will understand and praise the Lord. :)

The Lord's Provision of True Friends

2009-09-15T16:58:00.004-08:00

I could not get a hold of Ash's folks, so I called our friends, Jeff and Jen. I could not get a hold of Jen, so I ended up calling Jeff at work.

He immediately said he was going to leave work and get on base. I was not sure how he was going to get on base without a sponsor, but he said for me not to worry about it, he would get on somehow. I will be honest, I was hoping he was not going to try to sneak on or anything. :) He also gave me Jennifer’s cell phone number.

Just two days previously, she and I had taken the girls to this year’s botanical gardens tea. The theme was 50’s for the 50th anniversary of statehood for Alaska. I had two dresses that I had bought that she and I wore (same style, different colors), and I had made all three girls coordinating poodle skirts. I had sewn for days making crinolines and skirts and dolling up gloves and making scarves for pony tails. My house was a mess, but the tea had been a blast (though it was very cool and rainy that day!).

She had mentioned that she wished there was something she could do to repay me for that (she will probably rethink saying that in the future! lol). Truly she did not need to, it was my pleasure! However, I did think of something she could do. My house was in dreadful disarray, and I had this horrible vision of my folks or TWS's folks coming to my house. When I called her, I said “Hey Jennifer, remember when you said that you wanted a way to repay me…did you mean it?”. She said she did, so I said “PLEASE come clean my house!”. It was such a mess as I had not done any cleaning, just sewing, for days. Fabric was still strewn everywhere. I had rolls of tulle that my cat had played in. I had laundry backed up because I was sewing. I hated to ask, but I was desperate! She promised she would load up the kids and come help me.

The Lord Brings An Angel

2009-09-15T16:54:00.004-08:00

Soon a tech came with a wheelchair and put TWS into it. He said that he was being taken to the emergency room. The neurosurgeon, Dr. Ha, had wanted TWS med evac’d ASAP to Seattle.

It was odd in the ER… people kept asking him how he felt. Had he had any seizures? No, no seizures. We found out later that most people find out they have this after coming to the ER with seizures or in a coma, apparently. TWS was the picture of health, though with occasional bad headaches. We had just put a deck on the playhouse a week or so before this started!

As we sat in the ER, he gave me a list of things for me to run home and get for him. I did not want to leave him, of course, but I also wanted to do a good job. I took copious notes. We did not talk about "what if", we just talked about "need for Seattle", and most of that was just clothes and entertainment like the laptop, the ipod, etc. We did not have much time--I was not sure what time the med evac plane was going to arrive. It was entirely possible that I might not make it back in time and would have to carry his things with me to Seattle.

I gave him a kiss and headed out to pack him up.

Walking to my car, I called Major Rowland. I did not know exactly how to bring everything up, how to say “He has a brain tumor and is being med evac’d”. I remember that I was fairly calm, but my hands were shaking as I looked for something to write with. I was irritated that I could not find a pencil to write down her numbers--I carry a large backpack filled with everything from my wallet to an inflatable beach ball, but I could not find a freaking PEN?? That was ridiculous!

I did find a pencil but it was broken, so I squatted down and scraped it on the concrete to try to sharpen it there in front of the hospital. I made a note to always keep pens in my purse.

Talking to her was so weird, so….I don’t know. It was not bad, but I mean, this is major news and we do not get practice in our lives of how to deliver these things, you know? However, she immediately jumped into nurture mode for me and for TWS. She also jumped into logistics mode and intel mode (smile).

I must praise the Lord for such an honorable woman. She was instrumental in making sure I had a car, a plane ticket, a hotel, everything. She did all the things that I would have NO idea how to start doing, and had no time to do. She ended up being the gatekeeper, not giving out my number unless she thought the people had a VERY good reason to call and would not disturb me. She was a blessing and a mercy and an angel. I praise the Lord over and over for her. I hope she understands what she has done for us, how the Lord used her mightily. It might not seem mighty to her, but to a woman whose life just got up-ended, she was an angel.

I could not leave the parking lot until I got off the phone with her--rules of the base about not driving with a cell. That also meant that I could not call anyone else until after I got off base. That gave me a little time to think and pray, which I was thankful for. I will be honest, I have no idea what I prayed. It was not one of those prayers that feel like true communion with the Lord, I do not think. I think it was probably more scattered and distracted. I do not know, I can't remember. I would hope that it was a mighty prayer said in full assurance of faith, but I am pretty sure it was half prayer, half random thoughts in my head.

The Lord brings things into focus

2009-09-15T16:09:00.004-08:00

On Monday morning, TWS went for the CT scan at the Army base. He came back home, changed into his blues, and went to work at the Air Force base he normally works at. Not long after he left, the phone rang with someone from radiology looking for TWS. I gave him some numbers to try. A little while later, TWS called and told me that he had to go back to the Army base for another CT scan. He asked them when they wanted him to schedule an appt, and they said “We need you to get here as soon as you can.”. At that point we realized there was something amiss. TWS talked to the PA who told him, after joking a bit “There is an abnormality between the ears”.

He was going to come back home and change into his fatigues, as this would be more comfortable in the scanner than the blues. I got dressed just in case he wanted me to go with him this time. I asked him if he wanted me to, and he said it was up to me. I told him it was up to him, and he said “Yeah, why don’t you come along this time.”. I am so glad he said that!

He was told that there was an abnormality in the cat scan and they would have to do a CT scan with a contrast dye. I waited in the large waiting room, waving at a little toddler and playing on my cell phone. Eventually TWS came out to get me after the CT scan and we were brought to a smaller waiting room off of the hallway. TWS and I sat there, mostly quiet. I played a flying game on my cell phone. I think TWS played free cell. Dr. Abbott came up to us and said "Well, there's a tumor". He said he had a phone call into a neurosurgeon and would come back to talk with us. TWS and I sat there trying to process the information. I was trying to summon faith, I think. Or maybe I was just having an adjustment reaction. Neither of us panicked or cried or anything of that sort. We were mostly pretty quiet. It was very surreal.

The Lord Brings A New PA

2009-09-15T15:45:00.006-08:00

Now, there are many hidden blessings in this process, but this is a big huge one: our regular PA, the one who told TWS that he had allergies, was unavailable, so TWS got an appointment with a different PA. This fellow was older, serious, and most of all, LISTENED.

TWS told him the “regimen” I had put him on. The PA seemed interested and asked if I had medical training. TWS told him “No, but she is a hobbyist.” (gee thanks hon! Hee hee!).

The PA explained that he usually had a few “tiers” of medicine he used to try to treat these sorts of things. The first was a mild antibiotic (for sinus infection) and antihistamine. The next was a stronger antibiotic, etc. However, after listening to TWS talk about his symptoms, he decided to try one round of strong antibiotics, coupled with zyrtec, and see if that helped.

Ten days later, he was no better. Thank the Lord, the PA “just knew” that something did not seem right and decided to send him for a CT scan of his sinuses instead of trying more medicines. Talking to the PA later, he said that it was the vision changes that were out of place with an allergy attack. This was one of the most obvious, God-driven steps that the Lord had arranged which led us to a diagnosis.

The beginning of our journey....

2009-09-15T12:20:00.004-08:00

Praise the Lord…my husband had a brain tumor.

That probably sounds awful. It seems bad to type it. But bear with me, this will make sense by the end of this and in the end, I know you will agree with me and praise the Lord with me for my husband’s brain tumor.

Where to begin….

The short story is “He had a sinus infection that was not a sinus infection.”. My husband had been having headaches and stuffiness in his head for over a year now. He is not prone to headaches, but you know how when you get allergies, sometimes the stuffiness can make your head hurt a little bit.

We live in Alaska. We moved there 10 years ago, and, though none of us had ever had seasonal allergies, we all seemed to get them occasionally in Alaska. I personally chalk it up to us being from the south and our bodies used to southern pollen, not the birches and spruce and various other allergens. I could be wrong and it is because we are getting older, but I like my explanation better.

Anyway, last year my husband went to the physician’s assistant that we had been assigned to in the military. He basically told TWS “You have allergies, there is nothing I can do for you.”. TWS was given some medication and sent home.

If you have read my blog, you know that this past year has been exceptionally stressful. We had a death in the family--my wonderful grandmother to whom I had promised that I would be moving from Alaska. I promised her for ten years, and had never made it home. Her death left me mournful and sorrowed. She was one person of very few people whom I truly believed loved me unconditionally.

Please allow me a moment to tell you about this wonderful, beautiful woman who has been gone a little over a year now.

She had been a beauty when she was young, and was still amazingly beautiful as she got old.

She was gentle and notional and would lean back and clap her hands together as she laughed.

Oh her poor hands! I would rub her hands with lotion from time to time, as they were crippled and swollen from arthritis. I did not do that nearly enough. She has the softest skin of anyone I have ever seen. Even newborn babies do not have as delicate, beautiful skin as she had.

I also enjoyed polishing her silver when we came to visit, as I knew that no one else would get around to doing that for her. I thought it made her happy.

She was very much a southern woman. She had lipstick in her car, in her bathroom, in the kitchen, in her purse, in the living room, and by her bed so that she was never without. Like most Louisiana women of a certain age, she loved to watch the braves play, and she drove a Cadillac. She drank coffee all day and into the night, though the coffee was weak as could be.

Also, she got her hair done every week at the beauty parlor, a custom I find TERRIBLY endearing! She enjoyed wearing some blue mascara that I had bought once. She was fluffy and pink cheeked and smelled of fresh flowers.

She was terribly brave, because she was so terribly fearful. She hated to be alone at night. If I had known that, I would have stayed over more often. I never knew and she never told me.

I miss my grandmother.

Anyway, we also had had two major setbacks for TWS professionally, and one sudden decision that left us wondering what he had done to deserve these things. He had given so much to the job and the people in his job, but he was the one who seemed to be "forgotten" for things that were the natural progression for his career. Of course, the Lord works EVERY SINGLE THING out for the good of those who love Him, I know that, but you know how hard it is to see the rainbow when you are stuck in the flood. I need to work on that aspect of my faith.

His headaches were more frequent, but we chalked that up to stress of his professional life, upcoming deployment, difficulties at work, that virus that we all had almost two years ago that lasted almost a year. I should have realized that something was wrong. He was NOT one to get headaches. He almost never got them until last year, but there was always a reasonable explanation for him to be having a headache.

However, starting in about Feb or March of this year, his headaches would suddenly become very, very severe. He would have a build-up of a few hours, and then the headache would be overwhelming—making him pale and sweaty and weak. We tried to give him antihistamines, nasal spray, etc, thinking it was a severe sinus attack. Those things, combined with rest, seemed to get him over the bouts. He would take medication then go rest. Once he would awake from his nap, the headache seemed to be better.

His headaches were happening more on the weekdays than the weekends. I was wondering if they were due to some exposure at work to something, or due to stress, or change in eating habits. I was giving him Benadryl at night, Vitamin D, and Claritin during the day. That seemed to help slightly for a little bit.
Finally, though, the headaches were getting more frequent and more severe. They were affecting his vision, and he was becoming unable to go a whole week without having one.

He finally called for another appointment.

Thought I would tell the story...

2009-09-15T12:18:00.001-08:00

Of TWS's brain tumor and our experience, but most of all, how the Lord is merciful and kind, especially in our moments of crisis and weakness....

Stuck Under A Ladder

2009-08-27T06:49:00.004-08:00

My beautiful sisters in Christ!

Time to tell on myself a bit with a positively RIDICULOUS happening last week.

We have been working on getting our house trim painted, etc.

We have two ladders. One is a regular 6' ladder and one is a HUGE ladder that I think is 20 feet long, and that telescopes in on itself like a fire truck ladder. I needed this one to do a lot of the high trim on the house, as we have a 1.5 story house.

Ok, now TWS is still limited in his lifting ability, so it has mainly been me hefting this ladder. I am a fairly sturdy woman, so that had not been a problem. However, that morning we had put a new piece on the ladder. It is a large semi- circle metal brace thingie that is supposed to be wider than a window so that you can lean the ladder up at a window without the ladder top resting on the glass.

This thing is phenom. It makes the ladder much more steady. And heavy. Just heavy enough to tip the scales (pun fully intended) away from my ability to wrangle the ladder. I can lift it, but cannot really control it because of the extra weight. A couple of times the kids heard the ladder CRASH to the ground because all I could do was swing it away from the house, not guide carefully.

Ok I was painting trim in the front, and at one point I needed to move this ladder over a foot or so. In order to move it, I had to slide it under the edge of the roof, under two cross braces, and then back up under the roof edge all without smashing the ladder into our large, beautiful, and new triple pane windows (no, I did not break the windows!).

I was not strong enough to stand behind the ladder properly and pull the ladder to myself. So I got under the ladder and tried to "walk" the rungs to make the ladder stand up. However, the feet of the ladder were in soft dirt and kept sliding. I was afraid I would break the glass, so I figured I would just put the ladder on my shoulders and walk it out to the yard to adjust.

So I slid the ladder down until my head was in between two rungs and the ladder sides were resting on my shoulders. I walk out to the yard, away from the windows, with my head through the rungs and my arms just keeping the ladder steady.

Then I tried to lift the ladder off of my shoulders. Uh oh.

I soon realize my arms seriously had no strength left after toting, painting, and hefting all day. I could not budge the ladder over my head! Ok, no problem, just put the ladder back on my shoulders and rest a bit and try again....

And again....

And again.

Greeeaaaat. I'm stuck.

The ridiculousness of the situation started to hit me and I got an attack of the giggles, which makes lifting the ladder REALLY TRULY ENTIRELY impossible at this point. But I still do not get that it is entirely impossible. I keep asking myself "No, seriously....am I really stuck? As in...stuck?? Cause I do not want to call out the cavalry just in time to lift the ladder off of my own head.". Try again. Nope, I am really seriously stuck.

So I called my mom who was inside, but she did not hear me. THEN I call to TWS who was in the garage on the far side of the house, but of course he could not hear me.

So much for cavalry.

"AHA!" I thought to myself "Just slide my shoulders through the rungs and slide the ladder down off of me like a skirt!". However, I soon found out that the...ahem...sturdiness of my shoulder means they do NOT fit through the rungs.

Then I start to panic just a little (ok, not panic, but get a bit concerned!). I have my head stuck through a ladder, my arms are too weak to lift it, and no one can hear me. My frame is strong enough to hold the ladder at the moment, but for how long? Do I need to flag down a passing motorist? Would YOU stop for a woman waving wildly wearing a 20' ladder around her neck like an accessorizing gone horribly awry?

I mull my options as my shoulders start to ache. I mean....can someone DIE this way? How long can I stand there? Should I sit? What if I cannot get back up??

I figured I would have to walk to TWS to get his help. But there is no easy way to get to him. My truck is between him and me and I do not want to accidentally hit my truck with this ridiculous piece of paint splattered bling. So that means I would have to walk off the property, down the street, and back up into the other side of our circular drive way, again the view of neighbors and motorists. What would YOU think if you saw this dreadful living see-saw ambling down the side of the road? Yeah. Well at least if someone called the cops, they might be able to get this blasted thing off my head.

I actually would have paid to see that happen...to see the police show up and extricate me from this ladder. They could also call the fire department...they know about ladders, right? Maybe I could get on the local news (we have a REALLY small town) "Local woman attacked by her own ladder! Chaos at the scene! The fire department worked frantically to rescue a woman from her own ladder which apparently turned on her as she was trying to transport it. After several tense minutes of uncontrolled guffawing, the ladder was tranquilized and removed from the woman's shoulders. The woman was taken to a local Ace Hardware as a safety precaution and was later released. Officials will not release the name of the woman, but c'mon, how many cross eyed, headcovering women do we see around here? She's the one who had those blue underarms that one time...".

Ok, so in the end, the police did not have to be called. The neighbors did not have a chance to laugh, and I did not get on the 6 o'clock news. It occurred to me that I might take the ladder off like a sweater instead of a skirt, and ducked my head until it slid off of my shoulders. Sweet Success!

(btw, I have not been on that ladder since. I am tired of painting. And it is raining, so I just play Bejeweled Twist all day instead.)

:)

A Thought For Today....

2009-08-26T06:32:00.002-08:00

Hello my beautiful sisters in Christ...and that is what you are! Beautiful and in Christ!

I would like to share a thought that my wonderful adorable cousin gave to me the other day while we were talking. Her father was a pastor and told her this (I am using my words, though, to explain it as I forgot how she said it verbatim)

"Things that you worry about are always worse in your mind than they really would be. When you imagine something bad, you are imagining these things without the grace God will provide. He will provide grace for you when/if things happen. So do not worry about tomorrow."

Sisters, just THINK about that! When you are fretful and anxious, if you have OCD or panic disorder, if you are depressed or dreading something, you are living a situation in your mind that has not happened yet or is not over. The Lord HAS grace for you. He HAS mercy for you. He HAS help for you.

But He is NOT going to insert Himself into our "vain imaginings" of things that have not happened yet...He expects you to turn your anxiety over to Him and watch Him work in your life.

I never could have imagined that a brain tumor in my husband would lead us both to such heights of closeness with each other and with God. If I had thought about TWS having a brain tumor back in March, I would have imagined losing him, him in pain and suffering. I would have imagined that nothing would go right, that I would be miserable and in a state of panic.

I would NOT have imagined what really happened when we found out he did have one: that the Lord's grace would so fully overwhelm me, so incredibly spill over into my life to where I was utterly filled with mercy and grace. I would NEVER have imagined that I would look on the situation and PRAISE THE LORD. In my imaginings, I would imagine that the brain tumor was the biggest part of the picture, not the Lord and His grace and that TWS and I would both be THANKFUL for the experience. Yes, thankful! PRAISING GOD! We never could have imagined the blessings that come out of what seems to be so bad. Healed relationships, strengthened relationships, closeness with Him, peace that passes all understanding.

Now, it is possible that the outcome of things in our lives will be what we do not want to happen. However, I am slowly learning that even those times the Lord REALLY DOES work out for our good. He worked out so many years of fear and misery for my good. He worked out an incredibly painful past for my good. It took over 20 years for the bitter trees of fear, sorrow, pain, to bear sweet fruit, but they did!

Remember: our fears never imagine the Lord's grace. We NEVER think "Oh I could get in an AWFUL car wreck today! What if I wrecked?!? Oh and then what if the Lord had sent angels to guard me and we all walked out without a scratch! Or what if I did break my arm, but the Lord provided me with full grace so that it really did not hurt that badly AND He introduced me to someone who would minister to me in ways I could not imagine! What if He blessed me MIGHTILY today!?!".

So do not borrow trouble. The Lord taught me clearly that to worry about tomorrow is to intentionally put my hand on a hot stove--I might think that it helps me prepare for some other time when I might put my hand on a stove, but really it just gives me unnecessary pain. It keeps me from praising Him because my mind is too full of fear and anxiety (and we do NOT praise Him when we are saying "I praise You, of course, but I do not trust that You can take care of this for me...."). It is worthless, foolish, and a BIG HUGE SIN, just as bad as adultery or stealing because I am tainting the blessings He gives me each day with my fear and I am robbing Him of praise.

Our imaginings are without the grace of the Lord. So put bad thoughts out of your head COMPLETELY and trust Him. His grace WILL be there and will NOT fail because He is faithful. You will see, I promise! The Lord will show Himself MIGHTILY in your life when you stop your vain imagining and start trusting and resting in Him! You will be able to laugh at the days to come, just like the Proverbs 31 woman.

Being available to your husband

2009-07-29T12:08:00.001-08:00

My beautiful sisters in the Lord!

This is going to be about a very delicate subject. I do not want to be racy, but I think we need to be honest, since we are on the topic of beauty.

Do you make yourself always available to your husband? If not, why not?

Now, we know that there are Bible verses about how his body is ours and our body is his. I know that there are times where we are sick as dogs, tired as dogs...and then sometimes we feel like we LOOK like a dog!

That last one is the one I want to discuss, briefly and delicately as possible (xsighx...."briefly"might be wishful thinking, tbh). If we are preventing our husbands from delighting in us because we do not like how we look, we are being extremely self centered, which is sin.

Yeah, yeah, I know! We sometimes feel ugly, unloveable. We see those women in the magazines and have hope that we can look like that, and we do not want to share ourselves willingly with our husbands until we do.

How long are we going to keep our men without half of their "one flesh" because we are still struggling with portion control? How is it fair to them to keep them from us when THEY think we look fine, but we think we need work? That is not fair. Not fair at all.

They do not expect perfection. We are not going to have perfection. No, really, THINK about that. No matter if we are a size 0 or a size 30, if they want us, it is because they WANT us. They desire US. They desire communion with us. They want to delight in us.

Even if we were a size 2, we would still be insecure, because insecurity does not come built into certain dress sizes. Insecurity is in our heads, and if we arrived at the weight we like, we would find something else. TRUST me. Insecurity is from the mind, not the body.

Ladies, let me tell you...not one women you see in the magazines has not been touched up. Not one. Just recently there was a picture of a very beautiful famous woman who...amazingly enough...has cellulite. Yes. She has cellulite. And she was very right when she said that every woman with curves does. You cannot have curves without fat. You cannot have fat without cellulite (at least a little, though some of us have deeper fat).

Understand that, except in the RAREST of instances, husbands just want to delight in their wives. They just want to have fun with their wives, enjoy their wives.

Also, I want to emphasize this: They want their wives to want THEM too! When we reject our husbands because of insecurities, THEY, deep down, see that as a rejection of THEM! Yes! Men feel that we do not desire them, and that wounds them! Even if we reassure them that it is because we do not feel pretty, deep down men wonder if it is really that the woman does not want her husband. Women do NOT have the corner on insecurity.

Men are also not stupid. They know that airbrushing takes place. They DO understand that that same belly we try to hide is the one that grew their heirs, their blessings from the Lord. They know that our chest is the worst for wear because we nourished their babies. They understand that, even if we did not have babies, we DO have years. They know, and they do NOT care, just like how we do not care if our husbands are getting a little thin on top. They love us because we are loveable!!! They delight in our bodies because they are *OUR* bodies. They delight in their wives.

They come to us because they want *US*. Yes, seriously. If your husband approaches you, it is because he DESIRES you. He is NOT NOT NOT "stuck with you". He. Wants. You. He wants you! REVEL in that! Delight in that! It is GOOD for you to be tickled with that, to rest in that, to take confidence in that!

Do not deny him! Deny the enemy who is trying to steal your joy, your delight, your husband's joy, and your husband's delight. Deny the enemy who uses society to make us hate or reject the blessings the Lord has given us. Trust the Lord and your husband.....NOT your insecurities and society.

Let me say that again: Trust the Lord and your husband. DO NOT TRUST the devil who preys on your insecurities with lies that are airbrushed all over fashion magazines.

You will not drive your husband away by being eagerly receptive to him, by delighting in his delight of you. You CAN create great damage to your marriage, to yourself, and to your husband by putting your insecurities between you and your husband. We are Sarah's daughters if we do what is right and do not give way to fear (that is in the Word!). That means ANY fear--including fear of leaving the lights on or embracing your husband.

Be happy, not just dutiful. One of the most common things I have heard men say is that "confidence is sexy". The tiny girl who hides in the closet is not nearly as sexy as the ample-y built woman who is eager for her husband and her to delight in each other. No, really. That is the truth.

It is hard. We are taught, via society, that only pefect figures should enjoy marital bliss (which, in our fallen society, rarely takes place in marriage).

However, we are taught, via the Word, that He created marital bliss for one man and one woman, that it was good. He devoted quite a bit of Scripture to it, particularly Song of Solomon. He wanted ALL married people to delight in each other. He even admonished us to do so!

So, who are we going to listen to? The enemy who prowls society with lies and evil? Or the Creator of our bodies, our husband's bodies, the Word, and marital bliss?

Today. Make the change TODAY to listen to Him. Go give your husband a big smooch. Your heart might pound, you might hear a bunch of nonsense from your insecurities in your head. Dismiss them. The more you resist the enemy, the more he will flee from you.

Trust the Lord. Say a prayer, open your heart, be willing. You might have a few rough steps as you learn to obey the Lord, not society, but that is ok. Pretty soon you will feel ravishing, blessed, and say "WHY did I listen to society for so long?!". Not only CAN you do this, but you should--it is in the Bible. And when we obey the Lord, He blesses us.

Delighting in each other.

2009-07-29T11:29:00.002-08:00

My blessed sisters in Christ!

(this started out being about one subject, and the more I wrote, the more blog posts came out. So expect another blog post! If you have any discussion or questions or comments, please feel free to post them!)

I have been thinking a lot about femininity, beauty, Godly beauty, etc for many years. I think we all do. We think about being a beautiful princess when we are babies. We think about making ourselves attractive to find a mate in our teens and 20's (though many, like myself, went the way of "worldly beauty" not "godly beauty". UGH! The trash I wore!!!!). Many of us struggle with our sense of physical beauty after a baby or three tends to realign our "girlish figures" into something a little less girlish :D.

But as I age (I'm 38! WOWOW--I feel like I just BARELY got my driver's license!), I am realizing that godly beauty really *IS* eternal and worldly beauty really is fleeting. Unless some serious medical intervention is arranged, I will never have the figure I did in my 20's. Is it necessary that I do? I need to be healthy, of course, and I need to have discipline in my eating habits, but I am realizing that I do NOT need to make sure I am "marketable" (which is what we see in those women in magazines--they ARE marketable! They are marketing products!). I just need to make sure that my husband is happy, and that I am delightful to him. If I am, then I am good.

I have been looking at my husband and myself. We are both older. We love each other very much. I will never look like a model, neither will he. But we both delight in each other physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

And shouldn't that be enough? :)

My absence

2009-07-10T18:53:00.002-08:00

Hello dear ones in Christ!

I have been off my blog for a while now. Some of it was because I was finishing up the pandemic flu booklet (available for free, of course, if you want it, just send your email addy. it requires adobe reader to view). I also had another project crop up.

However, my most recent absence was due to a VERY VERY VERY sudden med evac of my husband to Seattle for....a brain tumor. He was diagnosed with it the Monday before last after getting a cat scan for a sinus infection. He was med evac'd that day and underwent surgery on Wednesday. He is doing FINE now, thank the most blessed and wonderful Lord! He is right behind me packing up antique shop treasures we found here in Seattle after he was released from the hospital Monday. He looks fierce with a massive slice across his head, 43 staples and a black eye that looks like my slate counter top. The Lord was merciful above mercy, and my sweetie is intact and seems to be well on his way to a full recovery WITHOUT massive headaches.

I cannot tell you, dear ones, how much the Lord saw me through this. This story really is about Him, not about my husband. You never know how truly kind and wonderful and sustaining He is until you cannot depend on yourself anymore, until things are just so bad that you have no choice BUT to trust him.

I am trying to write down all of my thoughts and experiences...I already have about eight to ten pages and I am not even CLOSE to scratching the surface of all that happened. I am not sure if you are interested or not. I know that I deeply desire to remember everything and most importantly give glory to the Lord God Almighty, our most wonderful and merciful Father. He made me able to take more than I could take. He cleared every path. He turned the hearts of everyone towards me and our plight. It was amazing. Miraculous. Humbling. Heart wrenching.

Please offer your prayers, dear brothers and sisters in Christ. He still has a way to go in terms of the reduction of swelling in his brain (his left hemisphere of his brain was pushed into the right hemisphere by 1 cm). He is having trouble with high blood pressure. He is still recovering, though they released him from the hospital. He has to come back here in a month or so for another MRI, and we are still awaiting the pathology report to see if this was cancer or not. It PROBABLY is not, but we have to wait to be sure.

Thank you for your prayers. And if you have any questions at all, please feel free to write me. I know I would be eaten with curiosity (but i am kind of a medical nerd....a "hobbyist" as my wonderful sweetie told the PA lol).

Love, steph

Economy vs Health

2009-05-04T10:12:00.004-08:00

My dear brothers and sisters....

I read a chilling quote today from the head of the World Health Organization. The organization whose purpose is to be solely for the HEALTH of the world. This is what Margaret Chan, the head of the who, said today:

"As you may know, several efforts have been made to estimate the impact of an influenza pandemic on the global economy today. These estimates vary greatly depending on the assumed virulence of the virus. But all estimates agree on one point. The greatest disruption of the economy will come from the uncoordinated efforts of the general public to avoid infection. "

Now, we do not know if this is going to be severe, going to be mild, going to disappear never to return, or going to roar back like a global influenza tsunami in the fall/winter when the next wave would be expected if there was going to be one. She was not talking about this pandemic per se but about any pandemic.

But to say that people who are trying to protect themselves and their families are a disruption to the economy, and would be the GREATEST disruption to the economy distresses me greatly. If we have a 1918 pandemic, then the worse hit to the economy, more than the dead, more than the ill, more than the waves of suffering will be the people trying NOT to get sick???

I am not surprised by the idea that we are merely cogs. We chase the dollar at the expense of our families and health and God. We do not understand that we can live such healthy, happy lives with so much less than what we have, treasuring every item we have been given instead of being so overwhelmed with "stuff" that we only see quantity, not quality. We do not spend time with our families or doing good to others because we are playing with our toys or earning money for new toys. Our health is sacrificed, we are removed from the nature that the Lord created.

To have our existence belittled, to have us ridiculed, to BLAME US for economy disruptions during a future PANDEMIC boggles my mind. The fact that it is stated so clearly is disheartening.

It is as if the enemy can flaunt the damage done to the people of earth, to the minds of the people. I am not afraid though, the Lord is mightier than the who and the veils on the minds of the world. Perhaps this will shock some into saying "WOW--wait! I am not just a cog and my child is not just a cog and my neighbor is not just a cog. My life is not about the love of money....or is it?? What have I been doing mindlessly, without thought, that contributes to this?". Perhaps now we can learn the meaning of "godliness with contentment is great gain".

I am going to use this time to pray, to ask the Lord to reveal ways that I might be unconsciously contributing to this. Where is my contentment? What am I wasting? HONESTLY WHERE DOES MY TREASURE LIE?

I know I have a lot of dross to clean out of my life, a lot of poor thinking. God bless us all in our efforts to remove the cobwebs from our eyes and be content.

REcommendation: Vitamin D

2009-05-02T11:47:00.002-08:00

Hello my brethren!

I have been reading some more information regarding treatment, preventatives, etc of the flu for the booklet I am (honestly) almost done writing.

I had known for many years that vitamin D was a very necessary nutrient. I found another article regarding such that I think is very worth your time to consider reading:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/51913.php

This article talks about vitamin D as preventative for the flu. It is an anecdotal report of a psychiatrist who worked with the criminally insane. In his experience on spring, patients in all wards EXCEPT HIS got the flu during an outbreak. His ward was not isolated--nurses worked in all wards. After reading a study, he realized that his ward was the only one where the patients were getting vitamin D.

This article brings up many other interesting reports about the health of people in various latitudes, outbreaks of illnesses at the same latitudes, why the elderly of some countries die more often in winter, while the elderly of others do not.

Another significant fact about vitamin D is that can decrease the expression of inflammatory cytokines. The over preoduction of cytokines is what leads to a "cytokine storm"--that is what killed most of the healthy young adults who got the flu in 1918. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?cmd=Retrieve&db=pubmed&list_uids=16959053

One interesting point in another article I read is that the latitude where one can get USABLE vitamin D during the winter is much further south than I would have expected. In our latitude, just south of the arctic circle, we are getting no vitamin D from the sun, even if we stand outside for hours in the winter.

For our family, we are drastically upping our vitamin D intake. The official "upper limit" of vitamin D is 2,000IU. However, most researchers consider that too low, and toxicity is not seen, apparently, until one reaches over 40,000IU.

I was of the mind that drinking milk would be sufficient, however, milk only has 100 IU.

With our society being afraid of sun damage, as well as kids not drinking as much milk (and some US children showing up with RICKETS!), it as assumed that much of the country has a vitamin D deficiency.

Coupling the positive effects that it seems to have on general respiratory health, the possibility that it prevents flu infection, and its ability to moderate cytokines, I would recommend considering adding vitamin D to the diet. The vitamin D you are looking for is D3...D2 requires sunlight to produce D3.

Interesting Map of H1N1

2009-05-02T09:35:00.001-08:00

For those who prefer maps

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124126480414780235.html#articleTabs%3Dmap

Remember these are only laboratory confirmed cases. Because of the exponential transmission of the virus, the CDC this week has announced that it is moving towards a "test new clusters" as opposed to "test everyone with symptoms". So, if there is a school that is showing symptoms of H1N1, they will only test a few representative cases, for example, 5 students out of 80 showing symptoms. They will assume that if some or all of those five are positive, then the others have it.

This is a very important note in many respects. Many governments and health organizations, in order not to cause "panic" will say "But only 5 have tested positive". REMEMBER! THAT DOES NOT MEAN ONLY FIVE ARE SICK! That means only five have tested positive. This is a tactic that risk communicators use in order to put news in the best possible light in order to influence the behavior of people.

This is not conspiracy theory, this is fact. Risk communication firms are hired to do this sort of thing all the time, be it for health issues such as this, or the recent bank issues, etc.

It is necessary for people not to panic. It is also necessary for people to know the facts so they can make proper risk assessment for themselves and their families. Understand how information is presented, and you will be able to identify the "risk communication" vs the "facts".

To Fret or Not To Fret....

2009-05-01T10:07:00.003-08:00

My blessed brethren,

There is a lot of varying information going out about the pandemic right now. Some quarters say it is much worse than we are being told. Some say that it is easy, the best of all possible pandemic scenarios. The VP says he would tell his family not to ride in a subway or plane, but then his managers come back later and say that he means not to do that if someone is sick.

It is easy to fall into panic or apathy, and to waver between the two from moment to moment. Do you trust the WHO when it says it will only count 5 cases from mexico, or the WHO when it says that this is a threat to us all? Do you trust the government when it says that masks DO help doctors but for some reason do not work for laypeople? Do you trust the school system when it says "we need to close" or the one that says "we dont need to close"? Do you trust the fact that Disney says they are taking care of visitors and it is fine to visit, or that several kids from SC went to disney and came back with flu symptoms?

Do we trust history that pandemics generally have three waves, or do we trust when some doctors say that "this might fizzle out"?

I think we prepare as if it was going to increase and have a second wave by fall, just like the past several pandemic have. However, we pray that it does fizzle, and do not worry in any case. Worrying does not make a pandemic appear or disappear. It does not put food in bellies, nor strengthen our immune system. Worry does not build our faith, but weakens it.

Do not worry. Do prepare. Do trust God. Do allow Him to guide your steps. Do what He has provided you to do in terms of preparing (keeping in mind that while you prepare for a pandemic, that might be because you will be in a position to help others, whether a pandemic hits or not).

Vaccines....

2009-04-30T16:43:00.004-08:00

One person asked me about Vaccines. Just today I learned that the disease is killing off the chicken eggs it is grown in (remember, this is a swine/BIRD/human flu...if it is going to affect chickens, it is going to affect eggs).

Here are some other points to consider...

Today: "U.S. vaccine supply could be limited in flu pandemic
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Most influenza vaccines for Americans are manufactured in other countries -- a scenario that could limit U.S. supplies should a swine flu vaccine be needed in the coming months.
U.S. government officials have taken steps in recent years to promote more production on U.S. soil by a diverse group of companies, but those efforts are far from complete.
If the current strain of swine flu turned into a pandemic, some health experts worry countries might try to reserve flu vaccine for their own citizens.
"If this thing goes global, our lack of capacity makes it very hard," said former U.S. Health and Human Services Deputy Secretary Tevi Troy, who worked on flu preparedness efforts in the George W. Bush "

And: It takes 13-26 weeks to grow the flu in chicken eggs (the only way we know how to make flu vaccine). There is a supply situation (can we get enough eggs, supplies), a production situation (how many vials of virus can be produced asap), and a distribution situation of who gets what when. If we do not see wide swaths of people getting sick, meaning everything stays just on time, we can see vaccine getting into our hands in 5-6 months. That is according to the CDC.

Understand as well that there is a hierarchy of when each of us will get the vaccine. Though pandemics like 1918 targeted the young healthy adults, that very group is the very last on the list for vaccinations due to social norms. We place a high value on the babies, the elderly, the sick. This is GOOD in terms of our morals. However, that also means that if the pandemic hits the healthy adults first, we might be unprotected.

The WHO has not decided on whether to even ask for a vaccination, so none is started so far. There is a seed culture that the CDC developed, but that is it. The WHO is still hedging their bets that this will be a non-event.

My recommendation: assume there will not be a vaccine for at least another year. There is simply not the capacity to make enough vaccine for everyone, our vaccines are made mostly out of country (and the countries that have the vaccine plant in their country will probably claim first rights), the vaccine has not been started yet (though the seed culture has), the vaccine that is made for this strain may or may not work on a second or third wave, and there is a heirarchy of who will receive the vaccine.

So prepare in case the vaccine is not available for some reason. This does not mean panic. It means get ready just like one would do if they knew a hurricane was going to hit--calmly and reasonably. That way if it does not hit, no harm done. Simply eat those stashed boxes of poptarts :). If it does hit, and is relatively mild, you can make your decision what to do then, and if it does hit and is severe, you will be in a position to take care of your family. In any case keep your faith in the Lord and in His wisdom. He gave us specific instructions NOT to worry about ANYTHING. That does not mean do not prepare for anything, for He also shows us in many places how the prudent prepare. But it does mean do not WORRY. :)

Involuntary Quarantine

2009-04-29T15:08:00.003-08:00

Hello my brethren,

One point I want to make: the US is already implementing quarantine for people suspected of having swine flu. As far as I know, they are being quarantined in their own homes. This is good, actually, and normal for a situation such as this, HOWEVER it also is a good reminder to have food and medicine at home. Stay home if you are sick. Do not push it. If you have been around others who were symptomatic with the flu, then stay home for a few days if you can, as you can pass the germ before you feel symptoms.

I might be repeating myself, but I would also suggest buying a few trinkets for the children in the family. Stickers, pretty pencils, balloons, whatever you think would bring a smile to their faces. Some candy for the whole family might not be bad either. Think of necessity first, of course, but also think of emotional "helps".

If there is flu in your area, I would recommend cancelling whatever you can. I have read, but am not positive, that sinus rinses can help prevent illness as they literally wash out the flu before it can establish itself. I would think it certainly worth a try, and we plan to do so when the flu hits closer to us.

I would also consider things such as vitamin D as there are anecdotal reports that higher vitamin D might help prevent illness. Again, this is one of those "can't hurt, might help" things. You can get vitamin D drops (one drop per person per day).

Sambucol (elderberry tincture) has been clinically proven in scientific trials to reduce the risk of contracting influenza A. You can make your own, or buy it. Most health food stores should have it.

Phase 5

2009-04-29T14:33:00.003-08:00

The WHO has declared a phase 5 in the pandemic. This means that there is sustained human to human transmission in at least two countries and that countries should be implementing their pandemic plans now.

Over 100 schools are closed across the country.

Two Weeks of Food

2009-04-29T07:30:00.003-08:00

The CDC is now recommending that you have a 2 week stock of food and medicine because of the H1N1. http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/

That is a good START, but I would recommend more than that. First of all, this flu is lasting longer than 2 weeks, and if a family gets it, they do not all stop and start at the same time. This pantry of groceries will mean that someone has to go out sick to pick up more, which will spread the virus.

However, if that is what you can do, please do so and quickly!

Now, for my personal recommendation....

Pandemics generally come in waves lasting about 6 weeks long. They usually have three waves. In 1918 the first wave was mild, but the second wave was very severe. The CDC says to expect this flu to wane in the summer then re-ignite in the fall. I would use this summer to make a nice pantry for yourself, have ways to manage if there is no electricity or clean water, start a garden, or have the supplies to grow things in your windowsill, etc.

If this flickers out, no harm--you can take the money you will have left over at the end of the month in the fall from not having to buy groceries and you can treat the family to something. You can still eat the food--it will not go bad if there is no pandemic. Gardening is a healthful hobby that encourages sustainable living and Christian stewardship. Adding "camping skills" such as how to purify water and how to cook over a fire are just general good knowledge items.

There is no loss if you prepare MORE. There could be a great loss if you are underprepared. There is a tendency to prepare in fear--it happens to all of us when we think our families could be in danger. However, we are not called to fear. We are given a sound mind, and a sound mind recognizes that things happen and it is wise to prepare for them. We UNDERSTAND that this does not come from us, but from the Lord--it is He who allows us to have provision, to gather when it is sunny for the times when it is rainy. He is our Provider, we just have this opportunity to take advantage of it.

Love, sparrow

North American Human

2009-04-28T07:32:00.002-08:00

That is the new name for this influenza.

Influenza A (H1N1) North American Human.

First cases being reported in Orlando and Indiana. The Orlando case is a tourist from Mexico who was visiting Disney attractions.

Recommendations: Consider starting a garden. Even if this does not become a pandemic, you will have fresh food to eat. If this does become a pandemic, you have a food source. Even if you live in a small apt, you can grow lettuce, spinach, radishes on a windowsill. In the winter this can be fresh food for you.

Why not go pick up a book of local edible wild plants? Did you know that kudzu, for example, is almost entirely edible, and apparently really tasty? Dandelions are also edible--flowers, leaves, and roots (which can be roasted, ground, and drunk like coffee). Did you know that you can make an aspirin tea from willow bark? That hips from wild roses saved children in England from scurvy?

You can also spend a day researching local edible plants. Print off pictures and make SURE you know what you are looking at. Don't go to mushrooms--very little nutrition and even the experts mess those up with deadly consequences--they are not worth the risk when you have better wild edibles locally.

I would make this one of my first steps in preparedness.

Swine Flu Update

2009-04-28T06:04:00.003-08:00

I might be repeating myself a bit while I get ramped up here, so bear with me. If you have any notes or questions you want posted or addressed, let me know.

-The WHO has moved the pandemic scale up to phase 4. This means there is "Sustained human to human transmission causing outbreaks in at least one country".

-Here is a map that is updated often of swine flu patients http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF8&hl=en&t=p&msa=0&msid=106484775090296685271.0004681a37b713f6b5950&ll=36.031332,-95.625&spn=42.156578,87.890625&z=3&source=embed

-A POSSIBLE origin for the virus has been found in a manure pit in Mexico. There was a 4 year old boy who got sick (and recovered, thank the Lord) who was ill before April 2.

-A woman who works in New York got diagnosed with swine flu after having contact with an ill family member. We should expect to see more of these cases. At first the majority of our cases were returning travelers from Mexico, now we will begin to see people who have not traveled getting ill as well.

-The WHO is not ordering flu vaccine yet until they believe that the world is on the edge of an unstoppable global flu. Remember, it takes 13-26 weeks to make a vaccine. We should not expect one for the first, perhaps second wave of a pandemic.

-The WHO is saying that the situation is "still fluid" and might not result in a pandemic. Other experts disagree and say that this is the beginning of a pandemic.

-Understand that if this is a pandemic, it will probably wane some during the summer, then flare up again in the fall/winter. Pandemics usually have 3 "waves" lasting about 6 weeks each, separated by a few months. Pandemic usually last 18-24 months. Each wave can be more mild OR more severe OR stay the same.

-All 35,000 restaurants are closed in Mexico City. I mention this to get people thinking about closures of this magnitude in your area. Are you prepared?

-There are confirmed cases in France, Germany, UK, Sweden. 9 European countries are looking into other possible cases.

Note: there is no guarantee that this is going to be a major, severe pandemic. While people in Mexico are still dying, there are no reports of people in other countries dying from this. That could mean that there are two different strains, that there is something that either gives people from other countries more protection, or it could be that there is something in Mexico that causes this to be a more severe illness.

My recommendation is still to stock up on food, medicine, necessities. If this does NOT become a pandemic, or is very mild, then you can just eat what you bought and that month have a little extra money from not having to go grocery shopping. If this does become a pandemic, and is severe, you will want to be able to keep your family safe and isolated for as long as you can. Homeland Defense has a paper out stating that a quarantine can last up to 90 days PER WAVE. That does not mean it is going to last that long, but it is possible.

Let's keep praying for this to turn into a non-event.

Recommendations

2009-04-27T14:47:00.003-08:00

Hello my beautiful sisters (and any brothers who might be reading this).

I have promised to keep you updated on the events of the swine flu outbreak. I am working hard to get the pandemic book all finished, and hope to have it done by the end of today or tomorrow at the latest.

For those of you who have asked, I also plan to put daily findings on here, as well as any questions and answers that I could find. If you have a question, concern, please feel free to email me.

However, I wanted to update you on something that indicates the seriousness of the situation. The World Health Organization has raised its pandemic flu level by one level, from 3 to 4. This means that there is human to human transmission. It does not guarantee that this will become a pandemic, however, the WHO is extremely conservative, and conditions have already been met to warrant considering this a "pandemic".

What to do? I am NOT going to say "don't panic" because a)that bugs the mess out of me to hear that repeated constantly and b)I have faith that you are thinking, reasonable people who can manage not to panic, but to be proactive.

I would suggest conferring with your spouse. I would then suggest buying some extra supplies, such as medicines, food, and cleaning supplies. I would also buy a few nifty things for the kids, if you have any, in case schools close or they get nervous. Snaplights are fun, puzzles, stickers, little trinket things that you can bring out to distract them. I would also consider what you would do if your school closed. There are many school closings already in the country. Thankfully we are to the end of the year, so not much will be lost. You might even consider pulling the kids out of the last few days if there is flu in your area.

Also be thinking about those in your family and area who might need extra help if a pandemic were to strike!

If you want the pandemic booklet, please send me your email address. It contains information about what a pandemic is, why it is different than seasonal flu, and gives many lists, recipes, tips, etc for surviving a pandemic.

Continue in your prayers, my bretheren! We are not frightened, as the Lord has our lives under control.

I leave you with Psalm 91

1. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
3. Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
4. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
6. nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
8. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
9. If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even the Lord, who is my refuge--
10. then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12. they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14. "Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Swine Flu Outbreak

2009-04-24T12:03:00.003-08:00

Hello my beautiful sisters....

Some of you might know that one of my hobbies is epidemiology. I have worked on some publications, etc. I have been studying the tracks of various flu outbreaks for years.

Foxnews.com had mentioned some children hit with a swine flu in California. They recovered, as did their families. When I went to one of my "go to" sites for influenza information, I found that this swine flu is new, is hitting Mexico, Mexico City has closed schools, libraries, theaters, etc.

Because this is a new virus, this year's vaccination may or may not offer any protection at all. One of the eight people who have gotten this in the US was vaccinated. The CDC has said not to consider that last fall's vaccinations protective.

The two states that this has been found in have been Texas and California. However, I listened to a CDC conference call today in which health care providers were told that there will certainly be more. This is transmitting human to human, not through birds or pigs.

The CDC is standing up their emergency operation centers. The WHO is involved and Obama has been briefed.

Now, understand that this is a serious situation, but not a dire one. It would seem that this is circulating through the US, Mexico, and some in Canada (though mostly from travelers from Mexico to Canada). Most people seem to be recovering well enough, though some have died in Mexico and have had to be hospitalized in the US and Canada.

The reason this flu is causing such concern is that it is a new strain (with swine, avian, and human flu genes), it is taking place NOT in the middle of flu season, but at the end, has been pretty severe, causing higher rates of death in ages that are usually pretty safe (20-45 year olds) and it is transmitting pretty easily. These are signs that this is not "normal flu" and must be treated with respect.

What can you do? I would recommend having enough supplies in your house of water, food, bleach, medications, soaps, etc so that you do not have to go out if this arrives in your area. If you can duck for a couple of weeks, you might save your family some serious illness. I would keep an eye on the news or on some of the medical websites (cdc, pfi, promed, who).

If you or your loved ones get influenza (high fever, body aches, cough, EXTREME tiredness, etc) call your doctor. Some patients have also had diarrhea, vomitting and nausea, and it seems that there are also times where the patient has severely bloodshot eyes. Ask your doctor if this needs to be reported, especially if you live in the SW US. Understand that, with air travel, this can be anywhere at any time. One of the children who was sick was put on a plane a few days after he started showing symptoms...meaning he was probably still contagious. The CDC has been in contact with people sitting around him.

PLEASE people, for the love of pete, STAY HOME IF YOU ARE SICK. If you have the flu, especially, stay home until you are ACTUALLY WELL, not just until you can stand without fainting or whatever. It is not nice to make other people sick. The world will not end if you spend extra time in bed!!! If you MUST go out (and really, unless it is an emergency, you shouldnt) consider wearing a mask. Yes, it might look funny, but it is better than accidentally infecting a pregnant woman, a child, someone undergoing chemo, or a baby. Wash your hands constantly, use hand sanitizer constantly. Cough into your sleeve, not your hand!

I think we all sometimes get tempted to go out when we are sick. It is almost like we think "Well, we have it" so we do not worry about giving it to others. I have seen far too many people go to church out of obligation when they are sick. Stay home. Seriously.

Keep your kids at home if they are sick. Even if they are "getting better" that does not mean they are "well". Schools are amplification points for germs.

Please email if you have any questions. This situation is newly evolving, with the biggest changes and news points happening in the last few hours. We might find that this is merely a blip on the screen and becomes nothing at all. We might find that this is the first wave of a very serious length of time where all families are touched with illness. We cannot know for sure until more time passes, so until then, prepare your households as much as you can and keep washing those hands!

God bless you all!

Streaming Eagle Cam

2009-04-19T09:03:00.001-08:00

See the babies! http://www.suttoncenter.org/eaglecam.html

Just a thought....sound mind vs emotion

2009-04-19T08:55:00.003-08:00

Just a thought.....

The Lord gave us a sound mind. He also gave us emotions. However, our society has placed emotion above soundness of mind, which, I believe, has led to many of the problems we face today-- personal, mental, and societal.

Women, particularly, have been given emotions to tend to the ill, the child, the elderly. However, we also tend to dwell in our emotions, taking offense where none was intended, relying on worry instead of faith, fretting instead of working the problem, relying on what we "feel" instead of what we "know".

Let's use our sound mind, wisdom, as a guide, not our emotions. Use our emotions to minister to others, but use our sound mind to work problems and to keep us from developing bad mental and emotional habits.

Quick warnings!

2009-04-06T08:46:00.002-08:00

My beautiful sisters!

Been reading some blogs with beautiful handmade items! Ladies are so talented!

However, i wanted to warn about an idea that LOOKS adorable but is VERY VERY dangerous--lacing ribbon through the edges of crocheted or knitted blankets (or anything that a baby or child might use, to be honest).

While the idea is just as cute as it can be, these can create loops, just like how a drawstring purse works, and create a strangulation hazard for a child or baby! Even if a baby is not strong enough itself, the ribbon can snag on something, creating a loop.

One time I saw that someone said "Well, we will just watch the baby and make sure", but these blankets are usually so adorable that they are handed down to others...who might not be as vigilant. It is not work the risk. No amount of cuteness is worth danger to a baby!

Ok, soap box is off now :-)

Older Women Paintings

2009-04-05T12:53:00.003-08:00

My Wondeful Sisters in the Lord!

I LOVE going to other women's homemakey blogs and seeing all the wonderful artwork. I think the pictures of darling young women in beautiful flowing dresses peeling apples or reading a book under a tree appeal to our longing for gentleness, for femininity.

But there is one thing I have noticed....where are the older women who are not the "supporting cast" of the painting but are the HEART of the painting, the subject of it? Where are the middle agers? Our society is obsessed with youth, and there is a lot to be said for the fresh face of innocence, the round cheek, the delicate features without spot or wrinkle. Youth is beautiful...but it might be only surface beauty. What about the beauty that comes from life, from wisdom, from being a Titus 2 woman, who has lived long enough and diligently enough to the Lord to teach the younger women?

For example....

Where are the paintings of a "just past youth" mother in glowing color in her late 30's who is repairing a beloved stuffed toy or watching the studies of the grade school children?

Where is the painting of a beautiful feminine woman in her 40's, shown leaning against a flowering plum tree, gazing into the distance with those wonderful laugh lines crinkling around her dancing eyes as she smiles at a long ago memory.

Where is the 50 year old smiling in delight as she races in flowing garments to embrace her weathered husband?

Where are the paintings of the noble, lovely, God fearing 60 year old, shown in beautiful feminine clothing with a look of sweet, knowing understanding on her face as she listens to her 30 year old daughter who has a troubled look on her face, trying to figure out if the baby is ok?

Maybe you have seen these paintings and I have missed them. If so, please link me! I look in the mirror and see a few sags, a few wrinkles, a few pounds and think "But I am still a woman". I look at my wonderful, blessed mother in her 60's who is the picture of tact and fact, southern grace in every bit of glory, who is beautiful and wonderful. Where is her painting?

I think of the poem my darling cousin wrote for her mother, about the loveliness of her mother's feet. Her mother is an old woman, but is one of the most genteel, graceful women I have EVER EVER met. Her very speech is warm, light, and languid, like a summer day with a gentle breeze. My cousin talked about the beauty of her feet, how the brought the Word, how they walked in soft green grass, how they are a treasure to her. Those are the paintings I long to see. I know what youthful beauty looks like--Precious heart is on the cusp of womanhood. :) I want to see femininity in ALL its ages, from toddling babies to wise old women.

I wish I could paint. I would paint these. But I must rely on those who can, as I do not have the ability to do so.

We women do not stop being feminine when we hit 30 xsmilex. Let us look for, and encourage others to look for, paintings that show that, while charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Let us find the art that shows women who have put on the beauty of the love of God, who might not be the newest peach in the orchard, but time has made the sweetest.

Good news for cottage industries

2009-03-25T13:11:00.002-08:00

Read this on the HSLDA website. The HSLDA has been talking with the CPSC about these new lead rules that have cottage industries worrying as to whether they will be able to continue.

This discussion sounds promising that cottage industries do not have to be afraid to continue. Excellent news in this economy!

http://www.hslda.org/docs/news/200902100.asp

Clicks for Homeschooling

2009-03-02T10:33:00.002-09:00

My beautiful sisters in Christ!

We homeschool and belong to the HSLDA. There is a page on their website that shows the stores that will support HSLDA if you click through HSLDA's website. I had not seen the list of merchants, but it is HUGE! Everyone from barnes and noble to walmart to bass pro shops is on there.

Please consider clicking through HSLDA's page before online shopping. That is all you have to do. The retailer does the rest. Not only is this good for HSLDA, but also good for showing retailers that homeschoolers are a group to be supported. This might come in handy if (when) homeschooling is threatened at some point. We know that, frankly, the government (local to national) listens to money more than they listen to people. We could use retailers' support.

http://www.hslda.org/clicks4hs/default.asp

Mt Redoubt Eruption Tracking

2009-02-01T10:24:00.003-09:00

My beautiful sisters in Christ!

For those of you who are homeschooling OR are just interested, we have a volcano in Alaska that is about to blow. It is Mt. Redoubt. Here are some very interesting links that you can click on to watch the show. They are not sure when it is going to blow, but it is VERY active right now. The glaciers on the mountain are melting and getting larger holes in them.

http://www.avo.alaska.edu/webcam/webcam.php?cam=Redoubt - CI

http://www.avo.alaska.edu/webcam/webcam.php?cam=Redoubt%20-%20Hut

http://twitter.com/alaska_avo

http://www.avo.alaska.edu/webicorders/webicorder.php?volcname=Redoubt

The last shows the seismograph of the area with LOTS of activity. you read it left to right, just like a book. Each vertical line marks one minute (30 minutes across the graph). It is UTC time, not alaska time, so this is current, but it looks like it is from tonight.

(BTW, this is far from me! We are not in its path.)

Thougt it might be neat to track! Volcanoes are one of my fav things. I was in the NW when Mt. St Helens blew. I was a child and I remember it being black as night at 3 pm in the afternoon. The next day ash was everywhere, and everything was so very still. No wind, no birds singing, just still and grey.

We were to stay inside as much as possible because the ash is bad for the lungs. School was cancelled. You had to wear a mask when you went outside. I was young but remember being so worried about my mom and uncle who were outside trying to shovel the ash. I carried a little bottle of the ash on a necklace around my neck for a long time. It was fine and soft as flour.

~smile~ When I was young, I was very concerned about forces of nature (still am passionate about studying them and preparing for them). Mom said that I had asked if there were volcanoes or tornadoes in Washington State before we moved there. She assured me that there wasn't, but we ended up having BOTH! She did not realize that two extremely rare events would occur!

I have been through many natural disasters in my life. Let me take this moment to strongly encourage you to consider what disasters can occur in your area and prepare for them. It is not unreasonable to prepare, AS LONG AS you put your FAITH in the Lord, not your preparations (something that is very easy to miss doing!). If the Lord has provided for you, consider putting some by so that you can be a blessing to your family AND those who could not prepare. You will have the opportunity to show the grace of the Lord if you can help others during a disaster, as opposed to requiring others to help you. :)

Pray about it and see what the Lord says. Do NOT stress or be anxious. It is like house insurance--you do not quake in fear that your house is going to burn down, or get hit by a tornado, but you carry insurance just in case.

Being prepared with food, medicine, warm clothing, battery operated lights (or solar lights for those of you who actually HAVE sun during the year hee hee!), safe heating and alternate cooking supplies will just be some "insurance", not your lifeline. The Lord is our lifeline :-) Preparations and knowledge are the blessings He gives to help us.

God Bless you all! :-)

Alaska Weather

2009-01-10T07:46:00.004-09:00

My BEAUTIFUL sisters in Christ!

Well, I guess with me it is feast or famine...after so long of posting nothing, I have so much I want to talk to you about!

This post is going to be about the recent cold weather in Alaska. Did I say cold? I mean SERIOUSLY cold. I have not gone to town in about two weeks (except to take the folks to the airport). Our coldest was -56 (or somewhere around there) and the warmest has been about -35.

What can you do at those temps? Ummm....Well you can do the "tourist tricks" for one! You can take a cup of HOT coffee (make it as hot as you want) and toss it up in the air. It will "POOF!" freeze and blow away in a cloud of frozen vapor BEFORE it hits the ground. No, seriously!

You can also take a balloon filled with air outside and poke it with a fork and it will stay inflated. You have to do this quickly, because if you wait too long, the air in the balloon condenses and makes it hard to stick a fork in. If you take it back inside, it will just sort of deflate. At no time will it "pop". OH and you can make pretty designs on the balloon itself by lightly pressing your finger tip on it--it makes little star bursts in the latex itself.

You can also chip ice away from the INSIDE of the triple paned windows. You can drive on square tires (your tires get frozen when you park, and when you drive, you can feel the "cathunk, cathunk" of flat sided tires until they warm up and round out). You can freeze a thermometer (I thought we just had a warm spot in our yard, but apparently the thermometer had frozen up....some how that just seems so ironic to me!).

We have something called "ice fog"--it can get incredibly thick and very dangerous. Remember the hot coffee tourist trick I mentioned? Same sort of thing, but this does not blow away. It is made from car exhaust, exhaust from chimneys, etc. The air get so still and so cold, that all that moisture from the exhaust just stays there, near the ground, and builds the more cars that drive. It sure makes the sky pretty though! It diffuses the sun so the sun looks HUGE, and also makes everything have a very soft edge. The scenery is painted in a pale blue light, with hints of pink and yellow and lavender. It is pretty amazing looking.

Here is a link to a webcam that is in Fairbanks where they have a LOT of ice fog. If you look in the next couple of days, you should be able to see it, though they are supposed to be getting warmer temps at some point. http://www.newsminer.com/arcticcam/

We do not have very much daylight yet, so it is hard to catch when it is light there. But if you can see it, it will be one of the coldest looking views you might have ever seen!

It is too cold to snow, btw. I have never lived anywhere where it had to WARM UP to snow. That is still just weird to me! hee hee!

That's it for the Alaska weather report! Stay tuned to this station 4 months from now when we will still have snow and ice (though hopefully not be on the wrong side of zero degrees!)!

WHEW! Back! And some music notes (get it? Music notes? hee hee!)

2009-01-10T07:25:00.004-09:00

My beautiful sisters in the Lord!

I have been gone for so long and I apologise (and I also apologise for the dreadful pun in the title of this blog entry)! Lots of things going on here...my folks came to visit for a few weeks (WAY too short!), The Wonder Sweetie left for a trip and came back, and of course there was Thanksgiving, Christmas, Etc!!!

But things are settling back down now and I am eager to get blogging in earnest!

So how was your CHRISTmas? Mine was wonderful! My parents were here, as I mentioned. We got slammed with temperatures in the minus 40's and 50's (yes, that is 40 BELOW zero) for almost two weeks. It was nice though because, as my mom put it, we all just did little projects and it was like living on the prairie. Dad was watching the game or reading, the kids built legos, mom embossed cards, TWS was making lingerie chests in the garage for me, I was .....hmmm...what WAS I doing? lolol--I can't remember! Probably cooking or doing handwork or playing on the dulcimer.

OH! That reminds me! We got a wonderful thing at our house! A Music Maker harp! It is a very small child's harp, but it does not sound AT ALL like a kids toy. I had gotten one for one of my ADORABLE nephews for Christmas (as well as an accordion for another nephew....not sure that SIL is going to forgive me for that one hee hee!). Anyway, a couple of days after Christmas my brother called and held the phone for Jeninlaw to play such a sweet, wonderful tune for me!

First of all, I was SO touched that they thought to call me up and play for me! Secondly, I thought it sounded wonderful! So I ordered one for myself. It has cards that slide under the strings so that you do not have to read music, you just pick the string that is directly over the note. IMMEDIATELY you can play songs like "Jesu, Joy of men's desiring" and the like. Talk about instant gratification! I just ordered a ton more music packets (hymns, patriotic, russian folk, etc). I cannot wait for them to get here!

I would recommend this highly and without reservations. Be prepared to possibly tune it when you get it, but that is not difficult, especially if you have a chromatic tuner or know someone with a good ear.

I also got a glockenspiel (something I got for my third adorable nephew!). I have not bought myself the accordion yet though hee hee.

I mentioned my dulcimer....if you have not tried one, please look into one. If you can pick out a tune with one finger, you can play the dulcimer well enough to play for people. My dulcimer is a 4 string, but two strings are REALLY close together and you play them like 1 string. These are the melody strings (where you pick out your tune). The other two strings are "drone" strings, and you do not have to do anything but pluck them or strum them (until you get really good, then you can do chords, etc, but you do not need to be able to do that to play wonderful songs).

I am better at picking the dulcimer instead of strumming (I have more fine motor skills than ANY sense of rhythm). So with one finger of your left hand, you hold down the string at different places on the neck of the dulcimer, and with your right hand you pluck strings "1-2" then string"4" then string "3". The 3rd and 4th string never change pitch (unless you get more advanced), so you really only have to worry about one string. How easy is that!

Now, if you get REALLY good you can do some amazing things with the dulcimer--things that boggle my mind, frankly. Youtube has several really amazing videos of people playing the dulcimer and making it positively dance. BUT I am not there yet :).

Anyway, those are two instruments that I can say that I would recommend, especially if you are looking to round out a homeschool music program or are looking to amuse yourself with being able to play something.

(this is getting long, so I will stop for now....)

Various thoughts and updates

2008-11-15T12:13:00.003-09:00

Last night TWS and I went out on a date. We have the single most phenomenal babysitter EVER. Her name is Michaela. She is incredibly poised, looks adults in the eye in an open and not sullen manner, and washes the dishes when she babysits. Honestly, I would adopt her if I could!

Our dates are very very mundane. And I love that! We go out to supper, either go shooting or go shopping, and usually end up at the bookstore getting Godiva Choc Cheesecake for me, and whatever he wants.

I love the comfortableness of our relationship. I am thoroughly blessed.

We bought some Christmas presents, including something for my folks. I want to tell you all about it, but my mom might accidentally read the blog and that would blow the surprise!

I am not sure if all y'all know, but I headcover. You have probably seen it in some of the pics I have posted. I do not feel that one must always headcover. And last night, because we were on a date, I considered not covering (not that TWS cares one way or the other, but frankly my hair was kinda cute!). I decided to put it on anyway, and I am glad I did. I ran into our neighbors who seem very nice but are most definitely witches (as in, that is what they proclaim as their religion, not that I am being catty). She had on her cape and amulets or whatever, and I was standing in my headcovering. We said hello briefly, I talked to her husband for a moment, and then it was over. However, I was very thankful to be wearing my faith when I ran into someone who was wearing their beliefs. I was thankful that I was ready "in season and out of season...". It was the Holy Spirit who arranged me to be prepared...frankly I was just tickled with my hair!

(Thank You Lord for making me ready for that one brief moment where I could be a witness for You!)

Speaking of hair, the no poo is going REALLY well. I still use mane and tail conditioner, and it still helps if I am under the water when I scrub. But I am very much enjoying my hair. I think I will keep with the conditioner only regimen.

Back to my folks coming to visit....I am trying to figure out what I can get done ahead of time! I am very eager to make a lot of candy this season. SHAW and I have been pouring over blogs of numminess. I want to make pies, cakes, etc. However, I am also finding out that after the first two days of looking at very sweet, sugary, rich foods, I am finding myself actually wanting to bake and eat some very simple bread.

So I have baked bread and dug out my science experiments (AKA my sourdough starters) from the back of the fridge and am going to try to get them going again. If I cannot, then I still have time to order starter from king arthur (the food blog there is beyond!). My plan when my folks visit is to have very simple breakfasts of cheese, bread, fruit. That will keep our blood sugars from going so wonky, and will also free up the rest of the day for numminess :-).

I have found that eating protein only for breakfast (or something with a TON of fat in it), feels so much better. No crashes, no spikes. This is a FAR cry from what i have preferred my whole life. Even if I woke up at 2 in the afternoon, I wanted something light and sweet before eating anything substantial. Now I pretty much have either chicken, cheese, pork or moose for breakfast. Just that and coffee. Took me a while to get used to it, but man, the day goes so much better that way!

Now, one odd thing is that if I eat something that is SUPER high in fat, like donuts, I am not hungry for hours and hours. If I eat waffles or pancakes or diet shakes, I am hungry in about 20-40 minutes. But donuts keep me going to past lunch. Maybe because your body wants fat for breakfast? I don't know. I just know that donuts do the trick. I have even thought of going on a donut diet! I knew a lady who lost 40 lbs eating only chocolate. She was even on one of those morning shows! Probably not the healthiest, but MAN what a nifty way to diet!

Speaking of food, I have some left over chicken from Chilis with my name on it just crying out to me in the kitchen!

Going no poo

2008-11-08T19:03:00.003-09:00

I have been conducting an experiment the past week about goind "no poo", or using no shampoo. I MUST wash my hair every night if I intend to be presentable the next day. I might can limp through if I put cornstarch on my hairbrush, but really I need to wash my hair.

However, it is firmly winter and my hair was exceedingly dry at the ends to where I was getting split ends. That almost never happens to me, so I knew the weather was taking its toll.

There was a bit of a spiritual quandry at this realization as I had just been blessed with a check from my mother. I WANTED to spend it on hair cuts and perms with Precious, but, long story short, I realized that it was better if I did not spend it on that. Instead I put it to meat to be used for the family.

However, that still left me with raggedy hair. So I had my 12 yr old cut it. Yep. I had Precious cut my hair. It was only the second time (iirc) in my adult life that my hair was cut at home. It was the first time she had EVER cut hair. BUT it is only hair, right? So I let her go to it.

With careful coaching (which is kind of hilarious since I had no idea what I was doing either), I talked Prec. through the hair cut. She did a phenomenal job! She has a very good eye, and there was very little difference or bad angles from one side to the other. I had her just under cut it, then cut the other layers longer, but the cut was blunt. The next morning I decided i wanted a bit of an angle, so I cut the angle myself (should have let her do it though!).

Now, I thought that going to get perms together would be an excellent fun thing. But I honestly think she got so much out of being able to actually cut my hair. I showed I trusted her, she got a VERY important job, and she got a feeling of satisfaction.

Anyway, since my hair was so raggedly before she cut it (and because I was talking to SHAW about what to do about HER hair), I started researching how people go "no poo". After much reading I found that, as many things on the internet, there is a lot of enthusiasm for a process that is only marginally successful. I read enough to know that washing with baking soda was going to be very irritating to my scalp, and washing with apple cider vinegar was not going to "cut it". There was so much disappointment and confusion, that it almost seemed like only a few people hit the exact right combination (after weeks "detox" where their scalp produces so much oil that they could not really go out). I heard enough references to "barbie hair" that I knew that was not for me.

Now, I have a dear friend who washes her daughter's hair with conditioner ONLY. Her daughters have mixed heritage, and the ringlets on her youngest are softer than silk with just using conditioner.

So I decided to try conditioner only on a week that I did not need to go out too much. I figured I would try it, day by day, and just stop if it does not work. I also wanted to try out what I had heard. Some people are so excited about a new thing, that they post "I have been going 'no poo' for a day and I love it!". I wanted to post this as a document of my trial of no poo--for good or ill.

I must say I am incredibly, and pleasantly, surprised with the results SO FAR. I use mane and tail conditioner. I have been doing this for several days, not quite a week. So this is not a definitive conclusion. But just to keep you abreast....

The downsides of conditioner only are three:

A) It seems to use a lot of conditioner because there are no bubbles. I think the action of scrubbing your head is the main source of cleaning. At first I found myself using twice as much conditioner as normal to "wash" my scalp. I am learning, however, that if I wash my hair with the conditioner while under the water, I feel that the conditioner is doing a better job at cleaning.

B) As alluded to above, it takes some scrubbing. With shampoo, there are so many cleaners that they seem to act like "scrubbing bubbles" to clean your scalp without much effort. I FEEL that I need to scrub harder.

c) There is not the feeling I am used to after my hair is dried after the washing. (however, read below where I talk about when I washed my hair with shampoo to see the difference).

The upsides of CO (conditioner only) are these
a) Less drying chemicals. Conditioner is supposed to add moisture and coating. Shampoo is supposed to strip things away. Stripping away means that your hair is unprotected.

b) My hair SEEMS to hold a curl better and for longer. I want to experiment with this further however, so do not think of this as a definite statement.

c) My hair STYLES better. This is for absolute certainty.

After many days with CO, I tried shampoo. I wanted to see if there is a difference in how my hair behaves, but to be honest, I also felt that I wanted my hair to FEEL more clean.
For many days wiht the CO, my hair had looked very shiny, healthy, bouncy and CLEAN. It looked clean, but it felt different. So two days ago I tried only shampoo. I looked at it as a scientific experiment: I wanted to see what my hair would do. My scalp did feel much "cleaner" BUT it did not look any better at all, in fact, my hair seemed to be greasier later in the day than with CO (this also needs to be repeated to make sure it is actually because of the shampoo, and not because of hormones, etc).

Also, my hair was an absolute NIGHTMARE to brush and style the next day. I have started brushing my hair 100 times in the morning--50 times upside down and 50 times right side up. When using CO, my hair might be slightly unruly for about the first 25 brushes, but after that, my hair suddenly calmed down, accepted the brushing without problem, and my hair looked shiny and healthy. When I brushed my hair after shampoo, I kid you not that the static made some of my hair stand out almost 90 degrees from my head. It was one mass of static and unprotected hair. It was a pain in the patootie to bush and style.

I decided that the feeling I got from shampoo is from being used to the feeling of my hair and scalp being stripped of oil. It feels lighter (cleaner) but it did not LOOK any cleaner and it was a pain to brush.

I washed my hair the following night with CO and the next morning, my brushing was not full of static. It looked clean, though it did not feel as light, and behaved well.

So far, I am going to keep going with the CO method. I am also going to try a shampoo every once in a while just to see what happens. If after a considerable length of time (say 3-4 weeks) of daily or near daily CO with the rare shampoo, my hair still looks good, then I will consider this the best for my hair. If not, I will simply go back to shampoo--I am not opposed to shampoo, just wanting to find out what is best for my hair and scalp. It appeals to me to not be battling my own oil production, but rather to achieve balance so that my follicles are not under duress. I am not going to keep this up if my hair looks oily or dirty :-).

I will keep you posted!

(FWIW--my hair is straight as a board, baby fine, but I have a TON of it. I use a boar bristle brush. I have an antler comb and a plastic comb, though I usually use the plastic comb because it is usually right there in my reach. I started rolling my hair in hot rollers. I use whatever shampoo I have, and mane and tail conditioner. I use a generous squirt of paul Mitchell hair sculpting lotion and 2-3 pumps of paul mitchell smoothing "super skinny serum", which is excellent for adding shine to hair. I take this handful of "stuff" and run it through my hair, then brush, then roll. I also use a decent amount of hairspray to hold the curl (my hair HATES to keep a curl). I will hopefully post pics soon).

Contentment

2008-10-29T06:42:00.004-08:00

My beautiful wonderful sisters in Christ!

I hope this is a wonderful morning for you! I have not been awake very long, but so far I have been blessed beyond measure.

The Lord is doing great work in my life--quiet work, nothing huge or obvious, but great nonetheless. He is working on my contentment. In the Bible it says "Contentment with godliness is great gain". How right He is! I used to understand the verse to mean "great spiritual gain", but I understand now that it is also tremendous personal gain for myself and my family. I LIKE being content! Not striving, not stewing, not fretting. Just a happy little bee buzzing around my hive with my two little baby bees humming beside me, filling our time with work, service, and learning until daddy bee comes home :).

I am very rarely content. I have always felt a sense of striving. I am not sure why. Sometimes it is because I am discontent with my surroundings. Sometimes it is because I am discontent with myself (often that is the case, actually). I will sometimes keep a constant dialogue in my head of discontent and condemnation of myself. I felt it land square on top of me yesterday, and I spent much time in irritation at things not working right, at the cold, at myself for not watching the clock better. I started begging the Lord for us to move. I realize now that when I allow myself to do that, I get into a temper tantrum, so I stopped begging. I might not be CONTENT to be here, but at least I can stop putting fuel on the fire!

This morning i read a WONDERFUL blog...one I had not been to in a few weeks. Lady Lydia had an absolutely beautiful piece on contentment. http://homeliving.blogspot.com/ It filled me with ...well contentment! I realized that this is some of the work that the Lord is working in me right now--to be content.

I do not know why I fight contentment--it feels so wonderful! It is peaceful and pleasant, altogether wonderful. I fight it, though, because I think I will be HAPPY if things are the way I want them, when really I am called to find JOY and CONTENTMENT and PEACE, no matter what the circumstances.

What is the difference between joy and happiness? Many people do not see a difference. FOR ME, and this is me, I am reminded of a phrase I heard once "Happiness depends on happenings". Happiness is the emotion we get when things are going right in our lives (again, this is my opinion).

I did a VERY quick search in both the NIV and the KJV of happy/happiness, content/contentment, and joy/joyful to see what context they were used and how many times those words came up. This was a VERY unscientific search (I would need to go back to the original Aramaic and Hebrew to see root words, etc) but it did give me a very interesting overview:

In the Word, when looking up happy/happiness vs joy/joyful, most of the time when "happy" was used, it denoted an emotion about a positive event. For example, a woman finding herself with child, a master who calls a servant to share in the good things the master has ("come share in your master's happiness"), or even Haman when he thought he was going to get rewarded. Nearly all the verses have something to do with events that one would expect someone to be happy in.

Joy, however, is often associated with the Lord and seems to have deep spiritual roots. Praising Him with joy, or finding joy in suffering, or joy after sorrow, or joy in the Lord. Joy seems to have a deep, abiding presence, even if the "happenings" do not seem good.

Now, of course there is overlap between the two! And this does not mean that we should not be happy when the Lord has blessed us--in fact, quite the opposite! Praise Him for His mighty blessings in your life! He brings happiness to your life. He gives you moments of just pure happiness, where you can just ....well....be happy!

But to me joy is sort of like "love thy enemy" thing, and happiness is more like love that you would feel for people whom you enjoy and who bring blessing to your life. Both are quite good, but joy is one of those mysteries of the Lord that the unsaved do not understand--how you can praise the Lord even when you are in the midst of stressful or difficult situations. It is joy I think, more than happiness, that we can demonstrate in our lives to the unsaved to bring them to Christ. They already know how to be happy...but do they know the Source of joy?

Contenment falls in line, from the quick reading I read, with joy. Though not mentioned often in the Word, contentment is not dependent of what is going on in your life, but rather something deep to strive for "Godliness with contenment is great gain" and "Be content with what you have". The only two physical conditions that I saw associated with contentment were food and clothing. Anything else is just icing.

I will be honest, I fluctuate between joy (and contentment) and happiness (looking at my happenings). The only thing that saves me, I think, from making a big huge mess in my discontent is remembering Sarai (before she became Sarah) and how she lost patience about not having a baby, did not wait on the Lord, and tried to rush the Lord. I am terrified of rushing the Lord and making a mess (though I have definitely made messes before!). I know that the Lord knows what I want to be happy. But I am realizing that He wants me to be content and joyful. It is a slow lesson for me to learn! But that blog entry by Lady Lydia was balm to my spirit and mind.

What is the Lord teaching you in your life? He might be teaching you contentment too! Or maybe He is teaching you joy or patience, industry or forgiveness for yourself or for others.

He always works in your life....have you sat down today away from people, the computer, the tv, the radio, the phone and just said "Lord, what lesson are You having me learn?" and then think carefully about your recent life and see what work He is doing? Give it a try. Understand that He is teaching you EVERY minute. For me, that builds my faith because I get restless if I think that my life is in freefall, that He is not there every second. But when I realize that He is working, that makes me better--I do not feel as restless or striving.

If you do not mind, if you read this, post what the Lord is teaching you. You do not have to go into details at all if you do not want to...in fact, if He is guiding you from a personal sin, you can just say "He is guiding me from a personal sin" or "He is teaching me obedience" or something. I find it faith building for myself when I speak (either vocally or in writing) the work that the Lord is doing in my life.

So what is He teaching you today? If you do not know, go ask! :-)

SOAP!!!

2008-10-28T11:26:00.004-08:00

My wonderful sisters!

Here are some pictures of the soap I made (yes I am pretty picture happy today, but with the strivings it took to get the white box set up, I figured I wanted to make the most of it!)

In the past, when I sold soap, I put the soap in muslin drawstring bags. I learned something very important this time: my packaging was all wrong with the bags! I was pretty much out of bags and decided instead to wrap the soap in wax paper. I thought it would make the bars look soft and pretty. I cannot TELL you how much I think that did to sell the soap. One person even said that they bought the soap JUST because of the packaging!

I needed a way to decorate the wax paper. Precious and I spent an inordinate amount of time in JoAnn's trying to find good stickers while TWS and Little Man had gone to the sporting good store. When they got to JoAnn's, they both helped us look for stickers and TWS found these! I should have made him go shop for stickers while I went to the sporting goods store!

This is a stack of the soap that came back with me. I sold out of one scent, so that is not in there.

A close up of the wrapping. Let me just say that wrapping these soaps was a BLAST! I have no idea why, but it just REALLY appealed to me to be making such delicate folds, smelling the sweet scent of the soap. Honestly I have decided that any soap I make I would like to wrap, even if it is for our family! I need to get more stickers though....

This is my "Kaleido-soap". I made the rest of the soap (4 scents) and chopped them down to size (at least 4 oz. Since my scale might not be precise, I add a bit extra, but the bars are advertized as 4 oz).

Anyway, that meant that I had lots of different colored scraps. I put them in some more soap to get a multi-color effect.

Another selling gaffe: I ended up with a lot more soap in this batch, so I cut the bars into different shap (thicker and narrower), but they are the same weight. However, I think people saw the difference in size and thought it was smaller than the other bars. Oh well, live and learn :-)

More soap

We had wonderful company over for shooting archery and eating on Sunday (we put a tiny little ten yard range in the garage). I wanted to put some decor in the bathroom, so I got this bowl, a bottle of crushed bath fizzie from a local lady (it smells like blueberries and just makes me happy each time I smell it!), as well as a locally hand made glass ball, and some of my soap. I thought it made a really pretty little bowl. I set this on the sink with some other pretties.
That was our day at the bazaar! I had a blast making the aprons, I had a blast making (and wrapping!) the soap, and I had a blast hanging out with Precious! I am thankful for the opportunity that the Lord offered us!

God bless you!

PS Again with the formatting! Those soap pictures have a whole nother third that is not showing in the blog. I also put "small" pictures as a choice, and it made big huge ones. I have NO idea what the deal is...I have not done anything differently than when I have posted pictures in the past. xsighx. Well at least you get the idea!

APRONS!

2008-10-28T10:46:00.006-08:00

My beautiful sisters!
I FINALLY got pictures taken of the aprons I made for the bazaar! (Actually these pictures are the ones I brought home--I sold out of other patterns I had brought).

I got out TWS's light box thing. I must say that it was a bear to set up! I would have liked a LOT more light, but this will do for now :-). I would love a plexi set up where the walls of the box are actually brightly lit. Sounds like a job for Super Sweetie!

I am not trying to brag, but I REALLY love these aprons. I have two that I have kept (plus one for Precious) and they just always look nice. I can throw them in the washer and dryer with anything (no special washing) and they come out looking beautiful! I feel very pretty in them when I am cooking or scrubbing out the bathroom or whatever :-).

This is the size of the adult aprons. That is me, but I had not done my hair, so I did not let Precious take a picture of my head hee hee!

Here is Precious modeling the little girl's aprons. She is tiny, but the aprons are tinier!

Here are some adult aprons

More adult aprons

Here are the little girl aprons.

They sold very well at the bazaar. I definitely cannot complain! The hardest thing was convincing customers that these were to WEAR EVERY DAY to keep their clothing clean :-).

I am grateful to the Lord for how much ended up selling! It makes you feel good to know that people like what you have made.

I also brought soap, as my one loyal customer convinced me to. That also sold well! I will post pictures of the soap in the next entry. I sold more with the aprons and the soap than I used to with soap and other things (milk bath, bath fizzies, etc), and it was a LOT less work.

Did I tell you that Precious made earrings to sell at the bazaar? She used sculpey clay and baked it and made adorable earrings which she sold for a dollar a pair. I think she must have taken over 70 pairs to the bazaar! (She hand lettered a sign in crayon and put each pair in a little baggie and everything. She was ready for the bazaar DAYS before I was!) I praise the Lord for His kindness to her! At first she was not selling anything--just one pair--and she was SO upset. We had a talk, and I prayed that the Lord would allow her to sell more, and suddenly she was swamped! She ended up making about $40!!

Anyway, thank you for your prayers and well wishes for the bazaar! It was a blast and I kinda wish I had made more aprons and signed up for another bazaar. The season here is short. This bazaar was a great one--low table fee and pretty well visited. There are other bigger ones that I would have liked to have tried as well just for grins. Maybe next year!

God bless you my sisters in the Lord!

PS, the formatting on this post is atrocious, but I cannot figure out how to fix it! The top photo is supposed to include my other arm AND there are supposed to be spaces between the paragraphs! Sorry about that!

One More Barack Obama post

2008-10-22T07:38:00.002-08:00

This time regarding homeschooling. I am a homeschooling mother, thank the Lord. I chose to homeschool for various reasons. I am in the midst of homeschooling my children, and do not want to lose that God given right to educate, to raise my children. I fear that Barack Obama would push that very thing.

I have looked up Barack Obama's record on homeschooling but have been able to find very little. A few people will point out to a quote or two in his book that seem to indicate that he is pro-homeschooling, or at least neutral.

I would offer two thoughts:

1) If we are going to go with quotes in his books that he is pro-homeschooling, then we have to go with quotes in his books that would seem to indicate that he is anti-white, pro terrorist, anti-American, pro "globe", etc. I do not want to go down that road, tbh. Words are free and plentiful. You have to look for the proof in the pudding.

2) However, in absence of actual voting records, you must look at the company one keeps, whom he supports and who supports him. The NEA (national education association) is very much for Obama, and is raising money and support for him, which he accepts. What does the NEA think of homeschooling? "
At its 2007 annual meeting, it approved a resolution calling for tighter regulation of homeschooling: “When home schooling occurs…[i]nstruction should be by persons
who are licensed by the appropriate state education licensure agency, and a curriculum approved by the state department of education should be used.” (National Education Association, “Home Schooling,” Resolution B-75, in “2006–2007 NEA Resolutions,” p. 36, at
www.nea.org/annualmeeting/raaction/images/resolutions2006-2007.pdf (February 1, 2008).)

What does the NEA think of homeschooling parents? According to an article on their website, that we are "well meaning amateurs" and "wannabes" http://www.nea.org/espcolumns/dv040220.html. As well as posting: "Don’t most parents have a tough enough job teaching their children social, disciplinary and behavioral skills? They would be wise to help their children and themselves by leaving the responsibility of teaching math, science, art, writing, history, geography and other subjects to those who are knowledgeable, trained and motivated to do the best job possible.". Who is more motivated than a parent? If parents are supposed to be teaching children social and behavioral skills, and teachers only teach the three R's, then why is the NEA spending so much time on social issues and directing a child's moral compass than figuring out why the USA lags so far behind other countries in math testing?

Ignore that the AVERAGE for homeschoolers on standardized tests is higher than the average for public school students on everything except math computation (higher in math concepts, but lower in computation). Ignore the lack of safety in schools. Ignore the fact that teaching behavior and discipline is much more difficult than teaching math or geography. Ignore the fact that this author said that homeschooling is ok if your child is bedridden or lives in a remote area (is he saying, then, that those children are NOT getting a good education? Or that those parents are "miraculously" able to educate their children, but parents get dumber the closer they live to a public school?). Ignore the fact that homeschoolers are actually exceedingly well adjusted (not the "social misfits" that he claims). Ignore the fact that, except on the rarest of occasions, homeschoolers do not have to worry about being bullied, offered drugs, beat up, shunned for wearing the wrong brand, shot, or stabbed over a cigarette (yes, this happened in my school when I was a senior....the rest of the students had to make a circle around the wounded child to protect him from his attacker--another student. WHERE were the adults? Hmmmm....).

Actually scratch that. Don't ignore any of it. Homeschoolers do have higher average scores. Colleges are starting to seek us out because they recognize that most homeschoolers are self starters. Do not ignore the fact that parents know their child best. Do not ignore the fact that even the most phenomenal, brilliant, engaging teacher does not have the time to educate 28 individual students (who may range from highly gifted to remedial and who each have specific strengths and weaknesses regardless AND who might have variations in sensory abilities and deficits as well as physical and emotional needs and issues) in 50 minutes. Do not ignore the fact that PARENTS outrank TEACHERS when it comes to a parent's child. They are your children, not the teacher's children nor the government's children. Do not ignore the fact that if your child is in school, and there is an event of some sort, the school WILL keep you from your child until they deem it is safe.

Do not ignore testing results
"In 1998, Dr. Lawrence Rudner of the University of Maryland administered academic achievement tests to 20,760 homeschooled students. He reported that “the achievement tests of this group of home school students are exceptionally high—the median scores were typically in the 70th to 80th percentile.” He also found that 25 percent of the homeschooled students tested are enrolled one or more grade levels above their age-level peers in traditional public or private schools." (Lawrence M. Rudner, “Scholastic Achievement and Demographic Characteristics of Home School Students in 1998,”
University of Maryland, March 23, 1999.)

Do not ignore college preparedness:
“The academic performance analyses indicate that home school graduates are as ready for college as traditional high school graduates and that they perform as well on national college assessment tests as traditional high school graduates." (Paul Jones and Gene Gloeckner, “First-Year College Performance: A Study of Home School Graduates and Traditional
School Graduates,” The Journal of College Admissions, Vol. 183 (Spring 2004), pp. 17–20.)

Do not ignore results in life experience after homeschooling:
"In 2003, Dr. Brian Ray of the National Home Education Research
Institute surveyed 7,300 adults (ages 18 through 24) who were homeschooled. Among the respondents, 74 percent had taken college-level courses, compared to 46 percent of the general population. They also reported being involved in their communities and engaged in civic affairs at higher rates than the average population. They were also more likely to report being “happy” than was the general population." (http://www.eric.ed.gov/ERICDocs/data/ericdocs2sql/content_storage_01/0000019b/80/3d/d6/66.pdf)

Do not ignore taxpayer savings (which benefits both taxpayers, and students in public schools)!
"Given the Department of Education’s conservative estimate of 898,000 students20 who were educated entirely at home in 2003, the National Home Education Research Institute’s estimate of 2 million homeschool students, and the national average per pupil expenditure on instruction, homeschooling likely saves American taxpayers and public schools at least $4.4 billion to $9.9 billion in instruction costs each year."(http://www.eric.ed.gov/ERICDocs/data/ericdocs2sql/content_storage_01/0000019b/80/3d/d6/66.pdf

Do not ignore that the NEA wholeheartedly backs and are campaigning for Barack Obama for a reason--they think he is their friend and will support their agenda which includes diversity training for children as young as 5, unlimited exposure to any reading material to students, limiting homeschooling (if not outright banning it). Don't ignore that, if you are a homeschooler, voting for Obama is murky at best in terms of keeping your homeschooling rights.

Just something to consider.

Barack Obama

2008-10-22T06:53:00.002-08:00

My beautiful sisters....

I do not want this blog to become too political (not that I do not love talking politics, but I wanted this blog to be more home and spirit).

However, I feel that I must say something about the election, specifically about Barack Obama.

I knew that he was pro choice, but I did not realize how abhorrent his position was.

We have all heard about him saying that he did not want his daughters "punished with a baby" if they became pregnant young (since when is a baby a punishment??). However, I would like to offer something that truly I did not think even he was capable of saying or thinking.

When he was in the Illinois state legislature, there were three pieces of legislation that were brought up to be passed to protect babies who had ALREADY BEEN BORN. Understand that this is not about preventing abortion, this is to protect babies who survived the abortion process and are now living and breathing in the doctor's hands. Up til this legislation, they were left in the soiled linen room, by themselves, to slowly die.

The three bills: SB1093 said if a doctor performing an abortion believed there was a likelihood the baby would survive, another physician must be present "to assess the child's viability and provide medical care." SB1094 gave the parents, or a state-appointed guardian, the right to sue to protect the child's rights. SB1095 simply said a baby alive after "complete expulsion or extraction from its mother" would be considered a " 'person,' 'human being,' 'child' and 'individual.' "

Understand that. The three bills were only for babies who were BORN, that they would be able to get medical care, that the parent could protect the child's rights, and that once a baby is born ALIVE, in whatever manner, it would be considered a person.

Those seem very reasonable. If a baby is born alive, you have to take care of it, and it gets to be declared a human (though at some point I would like to offer why a human is a human scientifically way before birth, but that is another point for another time).

Barack Obama was the ONLY person to vote against these bills. Understand that he was not surrounded by a bunch of conservatives, but also liberals. They all voted for these bills.

Barack Obama instead called theses babies "temporarily alive outside the womb". May I offer that the important point here is OUTSIDE THE WOMB, not "temporarily" (which would be longer if these babies a)were allowed to go to term and b) were given medical care).

Then he also called them a pre-viable fetus. Fetus means IN the womb. They are not pre-viable, they are viable at that moment. They are breathing room air and their heart is beating. They are LIVING right then.

He then said "whenever we define a pre-viable fetus as a person that is protected by the equal protection clause or other elements of the Constitution, what we're really saying is, in fact, that they are persons that are entitled to the kinds of protections that would be provided to a - a child, a 9-month-old - child that was delivered to term."

Now, understand this! Even if you are not planning an abortion, this bit of mental sleight of hand is IMPORTANT for you if you are going to have a baby! This is saying that if your child is born premature, not through abortion, but through ANY means (induced labor, premature labor, etc) that, if his way of thinking sticks, your child will not be recognized as a human or entitled to any protection!

Oh he meant it just in regards to abortion, I am sure. But since when is a person only a person if someone is not trying to kill them? What does that have to do with anything? You cannot have a premature person born at 22, 26, 30 weeks, but just have a bunch of cells with no rights at 22, 26, 30 weeks. The preemie baby who was born because the doctor was trying to kill him is just as much of a person as the preemie baby who was born due to induced or accidental labor.

Think of what that means when you want health care for the premature child that you gave birth to. According to his thinking, your child is not the same as a child born at term.

He said that this legislation would "I mean, it - it would essentially bar abortions," said Mr. Obama, "because the equal protection clause does not allow somebody to kill a child, and if this is a child, then this would be an antiabortion statute." . He would not vote to have a child have protection once it is BORN because he is afraid it would bar abortions. He wants the right to have abortions unencumbered, even if that means that a baby who is breathing, who is moving, is put in a linen room to die, cold and alone and gasping for air. Anyone who has had an asthma attack or has nearly drown knows how excrutiating that is. I cannot imagine the cruelty, and frankly the lack of anthing resembling logic, of a person who would vote against caring for a born baby just so they can protect abortion.

Does this mean I am for McCain? No. I am not sure who I am voting for. It means I am against someone who would torment a baby. It means I am against someone who allows pseudo-intellectual arguments to keep them from seeing that a baby should be protected.

I do not know who I am voting for, but I know who I am NOT voting for.

Bits and Pieces....

2008-10-14T07:24:00.002-08:00

My wonderful, beautiful sisters!!!

Just a few bits and pieces....

1) The Bazaar: ACK! Only three more days to work on the aprons!!! :-) I almost have enough aprons done to take pictures of, if anyone is still interested in seeing them.
--After I had been scouring Jo Ann's for I have no idea HOW long, The Wonder Sweetie found some stickers that will be perfect for sealing the soap for the bazaar.
--Precious heart has her earrings she is going to sell all bagged, and her hand lettered, crayoned sign all ready (she is such a cutie pie!). She is REALLY excited!

2) Nuts for donuts!! I made donuts the other morning with biscuit dough. I am sure everyone does this, and I have done it before, but I had forgotten how easy and cheap it was! Everyone loved them and they will save us a ton of money (we like donuts on Saturday morning ). I made chocolate icing, glaze, and maple. The chocolate did not turn out right--I think we need some chocolate flavoring in there to REALLY make it a good, deep chocolate flavor. Or maybe just a bit of coffee to sharpen the flavor some....Any suggestion? The maple and the glazed were a HUGE hit though.

3) Prayers Please! Need prayers for a cousin's husband of mine and their family. He was hunting in a tree stand, fell out, and broke both ankles and both wrists, as well as various other bones!! He had taken a class on how to fall, but that does not help when you are that far up. He was alone and had to crawl on his elbows and knees to get to his truck!!! God have mercy! He was medevac'd out and is recovering, but I know that the road is going to be tough for this active man. Please pray blessings, peace, quick healing, and calmness on him, my cousin, and their children.
**NOTE! Tell your men to WEAR A HARNESS when hunting in tree stands! There are THREE (count em, three) men between my family and The Wonder Sweetie's who have fallen out and have had serious injury over the years. No excuse not to wear a harness.

4) A Toasty Fire I think today is PERFECT for stoking up the woodstove! It is zero degrees this morning!!! We had a Chinook (a warm wind) blow through on Saturday, melting our previous snow. Then it started snowing that night, so we have at least 4 inches of fresh new snow!

5) Calories Wanted! What are the most calorie packed foods you can think of? Little Man just came off of a growth spurt, so his eating is way back down. But he keeps growing UP, not OUT and he is rail-thin. Maybe it is winter coming, or maybe the southern mother in me that wants to see him a little more healthy, but I am determined to get a pound or two on him.

6) Your Name Is Safe In Our House-- I have that posted on my desk, and I reread it this morning. It is such a wonderful thought--that even when you are not at someone's house, that you are still "safe" from gossip or slander. I have it posted because it convicts me to make sure that I am not gossipping (even in the name of "information" or "venting" or whatever).

7) Election Selection: Ladies, make your choices of who you are going to vote for in ANY election CAREFULLY. Do not be swayed by words, nor by party lines. The Bible says that by their fruits you shall know them--look to the fruits of those whom you are considering and see if they are godly or not. Of course, no one is perfect, but there are some issues that are just "deal breakers" in terms of what the Word says.
We all have special issues that we want addressed, but we cannot allow ourselves to be persuaded by words that we want to hear--we have to make sure that we are not like the weak willed women in the Bible who are gullible (2Tim 3:6), nor like those who have itching ears (2 Tim 4:3). We women CAN be especially swayed by emotions, so we have to be EXTRA careful to use sound doctrine in everything. Do research on any and all candidates from president of the PTA to president of the USA.
As for me, I have not decided who to vote for. I know a few whom I cannot vote for due to research I have done, but do not know who I might vote for.

Have a wonderful day ladies! God bless you all!!

Joy Comes In The Morning! Amen!

2008-10-14T06:28:00.004-08:00

Good morning my beautiful sisters!~

It has been a couple of weeks since I have written--so much has been going on!

The Lord has guided me through the month of September and the early part of October. It has been a very hard few weeks. BUT He is incredibly good and kind and has taught me so much!

One evening, after having an argument with my husband, plus the stacks upon stacks of stresses and woes, I was at the end of my rope. I thought things would NEVER get better, would NEVER be better. I had no idea how I was going to live the rest of my life without joy, without hope, with just fear and dread for tomorrow.

I was mired in a depression of the SOUL. Now, let me say that I am pretty much NEVER depressed. I get down, I get pouty, I get irritable. I get listless or restless, but USUALLY a night of sleep is all I need because my mind or my emotions might be depressed, but my spirit is still bright. That evening, I had no hope at all. This sum of my recent days had left my spirit wounded. I do not think I had ever felt that before--seriously wounded in my spirit.

I got my Bible and went to the living room. I was overcome with shame, anger, loss, fear, indignation, and sorrow. I knew this to be a crisis point--a point where my choice in that moment would be an important, life changing one. My choice was this: trust the Lord and REALLY SERIOUSLY give everything to Him OR choose to lick my wounds, feel the shame, stay angry, nurse the fear, refuse to forgive and be forgiven.

It seems on paper a really easy choice. It is not that easy in the middle of the night, cold and tear stained, with your tummy hurting from crying and after fighting with your husband and having pain upon fear levied on you nearly every day.

Ladies, it was a miracle of the Lord. I just, by His Grace, made the right decision. I do not know how, because I did not FEEL any hope at all. But my father told me once: faith in good times is not faith. I do not remember if I thought of that that night, but it really fits.

I praised the Lord. I read Psalm 117 which the Lord had shown me a few evenings back when my friend K was im'ing with me and I was down. (He knew what was coming!)

1 Praise the LORD, all nations; Laud Him, all peoples! 2 For His lovingkindness is great toward us, And the truth of the LORD is everlasting. Praise the LORD!

The Lord showed me that I had to give up my past to Him, that I needed to let go. He showed me that I have to have faith in Him, to trust that He WILL bless me. See, I KNEW the Lord's will would be done. I was just afraid that His will was for me to suffer horribly. But that is not the Lord. He is not wanton. We will suffer, yes. We will have pain, yes. But we are not abandoned nor destroyed. He IS FAITHFUL AND MERCIFUL. He has LOVINGKINDNESS for us.

There is a purpose to every pain. It is like childbirth: there is pain so profound sometimes that you have no idea if it will ever end, but then there is the child, the blessing from that pain. When you are in the pain, it seems like there is no blessing that can overcome it, nothing worth the pain you are feeling right now. But there is. He will provide it.

It has been a many days since that happened, and the change has been amazing. That morning I woke up and really apologised to my husband. I had apologised the night before, but I really did not mean it. I said it because I was supposed to say it and then thought "HEY! Wait a minute! *I* am not the one who did wrong here!" (really I was the one who did wrong, but I did not feel it at the time). But the next morning, I had that sweet type of remorse where you know that you are really sorry, but that you will apologise from your heart and earnestly do better.

Two days later felt like Christmas! I just woke up one morning and felt that wonderful excitement for the day, just like Christmas. It was a morning full of joy. What is even odder is that my daughter (who had no idea all this was going on) said "You know what? For some reason it feels like Christmas.". I love getting confirmation like that!

Ps 30:5 For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

In the days that have followed, there have been trials, things that would normally be very wearying, but they are momentary and light, and the blessings have abounded. BUT nothing has changed in our circumstances. There has been no great news, nothing changing in the things that had made me so despondent and fearful. But there has been an INWARD change. There is peace in the storm, not a cessation of the storm. I know the storm will end. I know the Lord has a plan and I know it will be wonderful. I had never known TRUE hope until this month. Faith, yes; obedience, occasionally {smile}; but not true hope until now.

Romans 5
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

And also about hope and the love of God, even when things try to overcome us

Romans 8:18-39
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. 23 And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. 24 For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.
26 In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; 27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; 30 and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? 33 Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; 34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 Just as it is written,
"FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED."

37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

A note....

2008-09-29T09:55:00.007-08:00

My wonderful sisters, given to me in grace.....

You know, I seem to follow deep posts with lighter ones. :-)

You may not know that I do not have any biological sisters. I have a brother (whom I love DEARLY...he is definitely the golden son of the family :-) ). But I sort of have had a little desire to have a sister, especially in these later years.

But then I realized that I HAVE sisters. I have sisters in Christ. Now, to many, that is just words "Brother Joe and Sister Sue". But to me, those are NOT just words. To me, that is a promise, a blessing. I have sisters! I have many sisters!

I have Sisters in Christ who are also related to me in some way (Jeninlaw, Colastie, Precious Heart, among others). I have Sisters in Christ who are also friends of my heart. And I have Sisters in Christ whom I have never met, but who I still ponder and consider and pray for.

That makes me happy :-).

I made an incredible recipe the other day out of a cookbook called "Just 4 Things". I got it from Jo Anns (for some reason, craft stores seem to have great cookbooks that are cheap and colorful--my kinda cookbook!). It was a roast that used a lot of onions and then a Guinness Stout and cooked for hours. I used an arm roast, which is pretty tough I think normally (as far as I know it is anyway....i am SO bad about knowing which meat cut is good!). But this recipe made it literally melt in your mouth. It was altogether pleasant!

I am eager to get this book-type thing about anxiety disorders (OCD, panic disorder, and chronic anxiety disorder, etc) set up. I am going to try to get copies printed, but I also want to put everything on the web. The Lord healed me for free, and I want to provide the information He gave me for free to others. I am not sure if a website or a blog is better. I am not sure if it is better if I restrict it to those who pm me first OR if I should just leave it out in public. I am not sure if I should just have the website with no posting, or if I should have a forum as well (forums can be pretty touchy.). I have no idea how the best way is to present this information, and would gladly take input if anyone has a suggestion.

We got our first snow this weekend. Not enough to play in, but enough to let us know that winter is here :-). I am excited about building fires in the woodstove. I really love that! We homeschool in that room, and my sewing machine is there, so it is all tucked in and cozy, a room for the most blessed of homemaking and home keeping and home experiencing. I just need a (very small) loveseat to go in there because we do not have any really comfortable seating except a rocking chair.

Please pray for Colastie and The Colonel as they travel to get more tests done on Colastie. The Lord has been working in our lives with Colastie's illness for years, and the blessings have been too numerous to count! Please pray that He will continue to give her improving health for many years to come!

I cannot wait to try my tomatoes that we finished inside. I have some tiny transparent yellow ones, some very green (they are supposed to be green!) ones, a dark burgundy one, and a few red ones that are not smooth, but are sort of ...... can't describe it. Kind of pleated looking.

OH! And I went out and dug up potatoes! I use potatoes as bedding plants because they are cheap and big lol. Frankly I was about out of giggles for how un-summerlike this summer was, but TWS told me that I needed to go dig up the potatoes and see what there was. Yeah well....sigh....

So one evening, he dug up a few and he got several potatoes! Then i knew I was not getting out of this without me getting in there and digging up a few. So the other day I dug up as many as I could. WOWOWOWOOWOWOOWOW! What a bountiful harvest of yukon gold and purple potatoes! And digging for them was actually kinda fun :-). It was like a treasure hunt. Now, when you plant a potato, at least up here, the one you plant sometimes just turns into icky goo....ugh. So it was a high stakes treasure hunt--would I find a little purple gem? A bit of yukon gold? Or gooey toxic slime? I wore gloves lolol.

Mostly the dirt did not stick to the potatoes, so when you unearthed them, they looked so pretty! It was really a blessing. Now I have no idea what to do with them! I do not like mashed potatoes, and these are too small to cut into french fries. But I think I am going to dice them and oven roast them...the family likes that :-).

Ok, my dear sisters, it is time for me to get BUSY. I have some sewing to do! OH that reminds me! Many years ago I used to make and sell soaps, milk bath, bath salts, etc at bazaars around here. I dressed up in costume (the one I wore to the Victorian tea). It was fun but hard work. Up here there is a really independent spirit, plus not a lot of turn over in people. So after the novelty of you wears off, the same people who go to the same bazaars know what you sell and may not come by the table to see if you have anything new. We stopped doing this a couple of years ago. Just was not worth the hassel of doing the bazaars.

BUT I have one customer who has been faithful all these years. Her husband, apparently, does not want to use any soap but the one I make (it is REALLY REALLY moisturizing. I mean REALLY). So a couple times during the year, she buys whole batches of soap from me. :-). She just recently got a couple of other people buying the soap as well! I had also mentioned to her on the phone that I was going to do a bazaar. When I delivered the soap to her she was SO excited! She said "If you don't mind, I want to volunteer to sell the soap for you at the bazaar!". She had told lots of people that that was her plan! I felt so bad when I said "Ummm.....I am not selling soap at the bazaar, I am selling aprons.". She looked stunned! I said "But you are my only customer!". We had a good chuckle about that, and she informed me that I do not do a good job of selling my soap and that she needs to sell it for me because I am too modest about it, but she has no problem gushing over it to other people--she cracks me up! :-)

SO....it looks like I might be selling aprons at one end of the table and making soap for her to sell at the other end! She has so much energy, it will be a blast to have her keeping me company :-).

So I need to get to sewing the aprons. I am really excited about them because I have not seen anything similar, even online! We will see how they go at the bazaar! If they do not sell, people can expect a lot of aprons at Christmas lolol. :-).

Whew.....

2008-09-29T07:44:00.003-08:00

My beautiful sisters.....

Yet again I have been absent for a week or two. First I had been working hard on that book. But then we have been buffeted by bad news the past week or so. We found out that TWS is set to deploy, AND he has had at least two MAJOR disappointments at work, and all of these things seem to be oddly orchestrated for reasons we do not know.

I will tell you, this has been quite a difficult time for us. Now, I am a military wife, I know the drill about deployments. My father was in the military, and he did not see my whole first year due to being deployed. Grandfathers, uncles, cousins, in laws, etc etc, are or have been military. This is not a new thing for us.

BUT we do not know why politics SEEM to be playing such a role (they might not, they just seem to be). It is not that he has to deploy (we accept that that will probably happen when we are in the military), but the manner in which this is coming up, as well as other disappointments in the job.

It is like TWS said to people who work for him "It is not that I had to tell her that I was deploying. It is that I had no answer as to why it was happening this way.".

If I may....TWS is one of the most honorable, patriotic men I have ever met. It kills him that he was not born on the 4th of July. He is GOOD with his troops, is one of those who does not sit back and watch work being done, but will jump in there to move crates or do anything else that needs to be done. He does not tolerate foolishness gladly, but is also VERY slow to anger. He is trustworthy enough that when we married, I insisted on having "love, honor and OBEY" in my vows, even though that wording raised an eyebrow or two. Being submissive to him is, thank the Lord, easy. He is just a good man.

Now, we have natural fear of him deploying--no one wants their loved one in harms way. But more than that, there are....questions about HOW and WHY these things are playing out. We do not know what is going on, only that it seems that we are being kept in the dark about many ....unusual situations at work. If they said "Hey, we know this is bad for you, but we really need you to do xyz, to accept abc because you are the man we know who can get this done. We trust your ability." then TWS would take one for the team. But even that small comfort has not been forthcoming. That hurts, to be honest.

I have to brag on my man though. He feels sure that he is being played. And yet, his focus is on making transition easy on the person to follow him and the person who is getting the job that he should have gotten. He is being altogether honorable and noble. He is putting aside his own desires and hurts and disappointments and is working for the good of others. I have never been so proud of him in all my life.

We have found out that the position he is to take is fraught with danger....more than we would have expected for his career field. I had to ask how they might let us know if he had been killed, who would come to the door. We might not get to talk much (I was kinda hoping for a lot of text messaging or im's!). There are even more frightening things that we have found out.

I will tell you, this is a spiritual attack. Every time I started to find ground, started to find my feet, another tidbit of scary or disappointing news would come to my attention with stupefying regularity. It actually had almost gotten comical. You ever have those times where so many things are going SO wrong, that the ridiculousness of it almost makes you want to laugh?

Of course with this comes added strain on relationships and on ourselves. I praise the Lord for a husband who is kind and gentle with me, when I am upset and frustrated. I am thankful for His presence that tells me exactly what I need to hear and do, even though sometimes I do not listen (bad mistake...ALWAYS listen when the Holy Spirit is trying to calm you down! If the Lord is interceding, trying to soothe you, then do what He says, even if it seems impossible. If He says "Praise Me" then do it. If He says "My grace is sufficient for you" then rest in that. If He says "Stop crying right now and go....be with your husband" then do it even if closeness is the VERY LAST THING you could possibly imagine right then.).

Truly the deeper the pain, the greater the grace that the Lord provides. There are times where I am just so weary, still licking the wounds of my grandmother being gone, my mother being sick. The sun is leaving and it has snowed already. We normally live such a calm, mundane, UN-dramatic life, but this month has been one of breath-stealing trauma.

The other day I was in the throes of despondency. I felt the pain of every second and every second seemed to stretch for an eternity. It was a bad night for both of us, discussing our fears, venting our frustrations, and the Holy Spirit urging me to do things that seemed TOTALLY impossible for me--praise, faith, joy and rest in Him. I left the room and went to another room and decided that I would just focus on Christ for a moment. After all, I have the rest of my life to weep and gnash my teeth, so I finally listened to the Holy Spirit and put everything aside to turn my focus FULLY to Jesus for just a moment.....

Ladies, it was beyond explanation or expectation. THERE is where I found peace. Right there in that moment. In that moment, literally in the blink of an eye, all those daggers that had been piercing my mind and my heart and my soul were gone. I smiled. I ACTUALLY smiled. It was like......the pain was instantly gone. It was like childbirth was over and there was just joy and rest. In Him. TWS joined me, the Lord had given him the wisdom to leave me alone for a moment. By the time that TWS came into the room, I was refreshed in my spirit and mind, joyful and at peace ONLY by the grace of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. Amen.

I had learned that lesson once when my grandmother passed. I remember being in the same position of wanting to leave Alaska, wanting to go to the south, being so discontent. But when I truly focused on the Lord, those feelings were gone, replaced by assurance and faith and GRACE.

I wish I could say the lesson stuck when I first learned it a few weeks ago...apparently I have the long term memory of a gnat (sigh). So I had to relearn that lesson. Please ladies, if you are in pain, try this. Put your human fears and wants and desires aside for just a moment to focus SOLELY on Him. Take down those guards that you have built up in your heart and mind. Be like Mary, not focused on what you think needs to happen to make your life go smoothly, but sit at His feet and LOOK at Him. Without expectation, just in worship. This is not about you in that moment, but about Him. I cannot tell you, when you reach that place, how sweet the moment is. It puts everything into perspective. It is everything you need, even if your circumstances have not changed. It is rest for your souls and light for your eyes. It is peace in your mind and joy in your heart. It is altogether wonderful to turn your focus on to Him.

I was telling Colastie about it. I like to use the analogy of faith like a horse in a burning barn. From what I have read, a horse in a burning barn will panic. A groom has to blindfold the horse to lead them to safety. Even if safe, the horse will become irrationally focused on the burning barn and might run back into it!!! The horse has to not look at the barn in order to be led to safety and then to be kept in safety.

So with us....when we look around us at the burdens and trials and fears in our lives, we forget that we are saved by the blood of the Lamb. We forget that He has promised us blessing, peace, joy, love, forgiveness. He has promised us He will work out even the worst things for our good. When we are looking at the fire, we forget that we dwell in the sweet, green grass of His pasture.

That is what I was doing. I was running back into the fires of fear, of discontent, of frustration, of selfishness, of discord. I was trying to tend to my own needs, not the needs of my dear, wonderful husband who needs to know that he is a hero, a good man, and that some people do not see that, but that does not mean that he isn't....it means that they are blinded.

I was still praying to God, make no mistake! I was praying LOUDLY and OFTEN. But I was not focusing on Him, but on the troubles and sorrows. I thought I needed delivery from the fire, but He had already delivered me from the fire. I just needed to look at Him, to listen to Him, to rest in HIS strength and decision, not my own.

Is anyone as hard headed as I am??

Sisters, this has left me in a bit of bind though as to how to speak to others about this. I want to be godly and bring glory to the Lord, but then sometimes I want to march up there and say "WHAT IS GOING ON?! HAVE Y'ALL LOST YOUR MINDS?!?". I mean, at some point I might be offered the chance to talk to some people at his work. How do I bring glory to the Lord in this? How do I use this as an opportunity to gently point out some very obvious flaws in judgement that we have seen made without seeming bitter (because I REALLY am not, the Lord works all things out for the good of those who love Him) or angry (I am not that either, the Lord is in control)?

I know that we will be victorious in this, that the schemes of men will be used by the Lord to bring glory to Him and that good will come out of it for us.

I have assurance that the Lord is working. I have assurance that there is something that is going to happen. I have NO idea what it is. I have what *I* want to happen, of course! I am totally blinded as to what it might be that the Lord has for us in this. But He keeps giving me a sense of assurance. I like to think that He is keeping me blind on purpose, so that I can learn to rest in Him fully. Maybe this is my blindfold as He leads me out of the burning barn of my continuing human weaknesses into even sweeter pastures of faith.

We still need your prayers. I am not naive enough to think the spiritual attacks are ceased. While I know that I am safe resting in Him, I also know that I am weak enough to fall back into habits of focusing on my self. TWS also needs your prayers of encouragement and safety. The people at work, especially, need your prayers, both those in charge and those who serve (who are seeing not just the stuff with TWS, but unrelated ridiculousnesses that are leaving morale ROCK bottom and allowing confusion to reign). Those in position need prayers for wisdom and discernment and good judgement. We need wisdom to answer everyone with the right words in each moment. I know my Lord provides wisdom for those who ask and who DO NOT DOUBT as per James 1:5, so I know that we will be given that wisdom. Please pray for the strengthening of those who do not know James 1 so that they learn they can ask for wisdom and that it will be given.

I hate to burden y'all. I know that you do not come to blogs to be weighed down with drama and trauma. But I am hopeful that the lessons I am learning blindly will be of some assistance if, God forbid, you have to face your own trials. I would much rather just learn the lesson for all of us and to post my failings and how He provides, than you have to learn these the hard way without anyone to say "Yes! I have been there! This is what He has shown me, use these lessons and be at peace.".

As one tagline that I read said "It might very well be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others" hee hee!

God bless you, my dear, sweet sisters in Christ. Know that you are in my heart and on my mind, but most of all are in His heart and on His mind.

A few other projects and notes....

2008-09-17T13:42:00.003-08:00

My wonderful sisters!

Thought of a few other things while sitting at the desk (almost done printing Little Man's 3rd grade science things!).....

1) I realized last night how important it was to let Precious know about hormones. When women live in the same house, they tend to get on the same cycle. She is not "cycling" yet, but her hormones are very much in drive. The past few months, about the time of my cycle, she has become bewildered by why she is particularly anxious, upset, irritable. She did not understand why she is "suddenly" always on the edge of crying. It did not occur to me to give her a heads up when MY cycle is so that she can have some idea of what is going on. I find that once i can chalk something up to hormones, I realize that I do not HAVE to give in to them---the world is not coming to an end and my life is not really that bad, I am just feeling the effects of hormones and I can choose to indulge them or not.

Last night precious was beside herself with panic because she had spent the past three nights in terror of "what if I died". She did not realize that a)because she is growing older, she will be exploring issues such as mortality and injustice and fairness and such b)when either of us is on our cycle, the other's hormones will be affected and therefore we will be more likely to be emotional before we catch it.

When I explained to her that her thoughts were normal, when we talked about death and salvation, when she understood that what she was physically feeling (upset tummy, etc) was all part of physically overbreathing, when she realized that the severity of her emotions was due to her body reacting to mine, she was MUCH relieved, and I learned a very important lesson: keep her informed AND things are happening sooner than I thought they were!

So keep your daughters informed! Your hormones might be affecting their bodies more than either of you realize, and vice versa. Likewise, if there are sisters, they also might be playing a role in each other's emotions via hormones.

Projects:

I have a project I am fairly eager to undertake. I plan to make warm fur mittens for us this winter. I have discovered that fur really is the warmest thing to use. Thisulate, down, and sorel boots just are not enough at 40 below, at least for me. There are antique shops where my grandmother lived that generally carry old furs for mere dollars. I had my mother send some of them to me and I hope to make nice warm mittens, and maybe booties, for the children and me.

I also think I am going to wear bunny boots this winter. They are not rabbit fur, but rather are severe arctic boots that are white and are totally sealed. They are supposed to be extremely warm (if not fashionable).

Chocolate covered graham crackers....I made chocolate covered graham crackers the other day. WOW I am glad I did not discover how easy it was earlier on in my life....I would be another 50 pounds heavier! They are VERY nummy and SO easy! I mixed hershey bars and semi sweet chips in a bowl, micro'd them until they were melty, and dipped the crackers in there. I scraped off some of the extra chocolate, as it was a little cool and made too thick of a covering. I also dipped a couple of oreos in there, but TWS and I were not terribly impressed.

The egg roll I made last night seemed to be a big hit. It was so TERRIBLY easy as well: cook the meat (I used ground pork) in a frying pan, mix it in a bowl with a bag of premade coleslaw mix (I do not buy salad stuff at the store, but since this was being fried, I figured it would be ok), and add soy, pepper, ginger, salt, onion powder. I also added some sweet warm curry powder, but think I will forego that. I really like that flavor, but it is VERY cloying and overpowering. You could smell and taste that so much, even though I used probably half a teaspoon for probably 2o egg rolls.

Anyway, separate the egg roll wrappers and put about 1-2T of the pork and coleslaw mix in them and roll them up. Add more oil to the pork drippings and get it up to temp and fry the egg rolls. It does not take too long to fry them at all. They hold their heat VERY VERY well, in fact, there were some that were still very hot on the inside by the end of the meal.

My only suggestion would be to separate your wrappers before the oil gets hot. I was scrambling to keep the cooking egg rolls from burning while I wrapped the next batch. I would have been much better off taking the time to separate the sheets first.

Oh, during this time I also had put on a pot of rice, so we had that with the egg roll. I keep calling them egg rolls, but they were actually more like lumpia. I was using lumpia wrappers.

Supper tonight is supposed to be texmex soup with cornbread. Colastie gave me some White Lily cornbread mix (I will tell y'all about our family's obsession with White Lily flour some time!).

My wonderful TWS just came home, so I need to for now! God bless you my sisters!

Getting serious....

2008-09-17T12:43:00.002-08:00

My beautiful sisters....

While I am here, I thought I would write.

I mentioned that I am turning over a new leaf, trying to be organized. Well I have a LOT of years of non-organization to deal with! So the next few weeks will definitely be playing catch up.

Right now I am printing out the quizzes and tests that the children have taken on SOS. I love that on SOS you can print the work (as well as quizzes and tests) with blank answers if the children are traveling. You can print out another copy with all the correct answers so that the teacher has a copy to grade off of, and you can print out the finished work that they have done on the computer.

I am copying the quizzes and tests, which I will keep so that I have a paper record, in case the computer gets messed up. However, it is going to take a bit.....be prepared for more posts as it prints too fast for me to leave, but too slow for me to just print and go. :)

I am also cleaning around my desk and decluttering my desk area. It is hilarious if you look at TWS's desk vs my desk...you can really tell how our brains work. His is MUCH neater, but I think mine has more interesting "stuff". His does have a jelly bean dispenser (which I bought him!) but other than that it is mostly business stuff. How can he THINK when he does not have anything nifty on his desk to get the creative juices flowing?! hee hee! I can put my hands on at least 10 ENTIRELY DIFFERENT projects from my seat.

Is anyone else considering making life changes? I can't be the only one who needs some serious organizational help. I need my dear friend Beauty Queen to help me get organized. She is amazing at it. In fact, TWS actually hired her to organize my closet many years back! When she visited me last, I kept catching her slip away downstairs to fold my laundry. I would call out "What are you doing?!?" and just like a child who was snitching cookies from a jar she would call back in guilty hesitation "Ummm.....nothing?". "STOP FOLDING MY LAUNDRY!" "I was just checking on the baby..." "Uh huh...get up here!!" "Allriiiight". hee hee!

BQ, come visit me and I PROMISE to turn a blind eye to any laundry folding indiscretions. In fact, just to show my unconditional positive regard, I will make sure that my closet needs a good cleaning too (hey, I just want to be supportive!).

If you are making a change of any type, post it! Let's see if we can support each other in these times where the Lord is moving us to self discipline in our homemaking and in our lives!

McDonald's Musing....

2008-09-17T10:47:00.002-08:00

My beautiful sisters!

The other day we got McDonalds for supper. It has been literally months since we have done that. I am not adverse to fast food per se--fried chicken in any form (nuggets, strips etc) is one of my favorite things! And french fries!

However, something was very odd. Because we had been eating at home for so long, and because any eating out I have done has been either a local take out pizza place or an occasional meal at Chili's, my taste buds must have been used to home cooking.

The first thing that I noticed is that the food tasted odd. I am not saying it tasted different, I am saying it tasted ODD. Now, again, I am not a food snob--I LOVE fast food, though for cost it is just too pricey. However, honestly, the food tasted fake. I remember thinking "this tastes like it is food and then something else added to it.....something NOT food.". It was not that I was tasting different spices or seasonings. It was actually like eating food mixed with crayon or something. There was something out of place. Like eating food off of a soapy dish, or licking your fingers if you had used hand sanitizer or bug spray. Just that taste where you know that something is not food.

It did not taste BAD at all--in fact, I would have loved some more!! It just tasted....fake.

Then almost immediately after supper that night, my tummy got very full of air--so much so that it was visible (ok, even more so than usual! lol). It did not bother me much, but was just annoying. I took some gas tablets and everything got back to normal.

But I talked to TWS later and found that he found the taste was "fake" too. BUT he had eaten a chicken sandwich, not the nuggets. Again, neither of us are health food nuts in the least....in fact, there was a time of my life not too long ago where I thought poptarts should count as fruit (I was a big hit at the la leche league meetings lolol). so this is not "I am too good for McDonalds" but "Weird, wonder how long that has been going on and why I did not notice it before what exactly *AM* I tasting? Is it bad for me?".

As for the air bubbles in the tummy, I do not know about that either. TWS used to get indigestion when he ate burgers at Mc D's but never chicken. I am not allergic to much, and we eat fried foods quite often. In fact, fried tastybird chicken tenders and ore ida tater tots that I had had a few days before neither tasted fake nor inflated me like a balloon. So it is not that my eating habits are just SO healthy that my delicate system was not used to fried foods....we are from the south, we deep fry as much as we can!

This concerns me. Not the air bubbles, that could have been from hormones or whatever, but the fact that I could actually taste something that was not food. I wonder what it was, I wonder where they make their breading for their food, i wonder where they get the chicken and potatoes. I know that they, as well as most other food vendors or companies, use a company that makes fake food tastes. I read a VERY interesting article about it. They can make a million different tastes and smells from chemicals. I am not saying that the chemicals are all harmful, though I have no idea what they are. I am just saying that we might want to be careful about how much non-food items we eat.

I mean, surely it is not too much to ask that, when you buy food, that ALL the food is ACTUALLY food.

This also possibly answers why many kids only want fast food, no matter what sort of good homemade food you make. My fried chicken will never taste like fried chicken from places that do not use regular, actual food ingredients (I can even buy MSG, but I cannot buy the chemical flavorings that have been invented). It gives me pause to think about that.

Anyway, this is neither here nor there. Just thought it was so interesting, seeing as how I actually love chicken nuggets BUT after many months away from them, could very clearly taste something that seemed fake AND had tummy troubles as well.

Cooking plan

2008-09-17T09:59:00.003-08:00

My wonderful, darling sisters!

I mentioned previously that I am trying to revamp my life (hey, nothing like biting off more than you can chew! hee hee!).

I had mentioned food, and, since most of us are foodies, and a fair amount of us dread the "what's for supper" question, I thought I would put what I am trying out....

In our family, when I am ill or weary, when the family is busy or the schedule is up in the air, or when I am lazy (blush), we have "Fend For" nights. That means "Fend For Yourself". I will nuke anything you need, but you have to decide what you are eating.

I HATE making decisions about what other people will eat. It is just a hangup of mine that I had developed without knowing it. Half of the time I have no idea what *I* want, and deciding what other people will eat is just dreadful for me. I know, it is silly.

So what happens is that I tentatively decide what is for supper, and then wait for TWS to come home and tell me if that is fine with him. He is not picky at all, but sometimes he has his own druthers about what he wants for supper. So that leaves me in a quandry--he will eat what I cook him, but I cannot stand to cook him something he did not prefer. Ramen noodles, anyone?

So we talked about this impass and we decided that I either need to make a menu (something I do not really like because I have NO idea what I feel like that day) or call him at 3 pm and verify. Well frankly the weekly menu provided the most benefits--I could plan my grocery list, we both have an idea of what we are having, and I do not have to make a decision EVERY day, just the one day where I make the menu.

I had written down all the dishes I know I make regularly, but then also picked TWO cookbooks and went through those. I have made the mistake before of going through tons of cookbooks, then be overwhelmed with the amount of recipes I flagged, so we just ate chicken tenders and tater tots instead hee hee!

This way I can try new recipes, then drop them if they do not work. Two cookbooks was manageable for me.

I am having "week" blocks of menus. My goal is to use left overs as much as possible, reduce the stress of decision making, save money by not buying food I do not get around to using, and be proactive instead of reactive.

I have two weeks of menus so far. I put the menu, where recipes can be found (recipe card, book and page, or "mine"--in my head, no written recipe), and any weird ingredients that I might not have on hand. The ingredients I put in italics so it is easy to see at a glance when I am making a grocery list.

I keep a stocked pantry (I think every woman should!), so I have staples.

I plan to add additional weeks of menus as well.

Now, I did not schedule any "fend for" or convenience or take out foods. I figure that there will always be days that pop up where we need to go the easy route. I am not stressing over being PERFECTLY on the menu EVERY day...the goal was to reduce stress, not be a slave to a printout! I showed it to TWS and he thought it looked great. He also thought it was good not to schedule easy meals, but to have them "waiting in the wings" for those days where we need them.

I tried to have a new recipe night, an involved recipe night, a moose recipe night, and bake a pie each week.

In case anyone is interested, this is what I have planned for two weeks:

Menu Week 1
Day Recipe Location Page

Monday Spaghetti w/sausage meatballs Card
Bread, buttermilk, Italian sausage, egg, crushed tomatoes, diced tomatoes, basil
Breadsticks Mine

Tuesday Egg roll Mine
Wrappers, sausage from night before, ginger, coleslaw mix
Rice

Wednesday Pork (moose?) texmex soup Mine
Canned tomatoes, canned corn
Cornbread

Thursday Turkey breast
Hm noodles, cranberry sauce
Turkey breast, cranberry sauce, egg beaters

Friday Fettuccine alfredo with chicken (or turkey) and broc
Lo hm noodles, lo turkey, fresh parm, evap milk, broc

Saturday Hamburgers and onion rings, smoothies
Hm buns, onions, canned fruit

Sunday Beef braised in beer Just 4 things 82
3 onions, oil, beef (moose), 1.25 cups Guinness or stout
Tomato Bruschetta Just 4 things 30
Bread, 4 garlic cloves, diced tomatoes, olive oil for drizzling
Pie

Menu Week 2

Day Recipe Location Page
Monday Beef BBQ sandwiches
LO beef and onions from night before, rolls, corn and green beans

Tuesday Tagliatelle w/ ham Just 4 things 94
HM pasta, prosciutto, fresh parm
Basil green beans Lowfat country cooking 224
Green beans, onion, celery, dried basil

Wednesday Brat, beer, and cheese soup Card
2 brats, ½ cup each onion, celery, carrots, 8 oz potatoes, 3 cups chicken stock, stout beer, mustard powder, milk, sharp cheddar

Thursday Dirty rice with pork
Outback bread, smoothies

Friday HM pizza, breadsticks
Fresh mozz, tomatoes, olives, tomatoes

Saturday Bacon and biscuits
Corn, green beans
Canned corn, green beans

Sunday Pork Roast with homemade noodles or biscuits, pie

Hopefully I can get some pictures of these things! Any tips on food photography would be great, as I am a beginner with a camera.

May God Bless you today!!

New (School) Years Resolutions

2008-09-17T08:35:00.005-08:00

My beautiful, wonderful sisters in Christ!!!

I have been thinking a LOT about resolutions and changes in my life. For me, new years is not a great time to make resolutions. First of all, there is no CHANGE at that point, no signal, save the calendar, to make a change.

For me, fall is the best time to make a change because there is a definite signal. The difference between December and January is not much here--both are mid winter. But the difference between August and September here is VERY much a change. August is green and rainy, with a few more warm days sometimes. September is cool, dry, and golden. The difference in the sun from August to September is also significant. In August, the sun was still up most of the day. In September, it is starting to get dark in the morning. The change in light is sudden and significant.

There is also hunting season. This allows me to have some down time with the babies while TWS (and sometimes little man) goes hunting. So for a week or two, I have nothing really asked of me. Supper can be popcorn if I want, because it is just me and Precious (she will have a burrito or something). I can stay up as late as I want, there is no schedule.

After a week or so of "freedom", I find that I long to get back into a routine. That is the PERFECT time to start turning over a new leaf or three! I have had a break from a hectic summer, the season is signalling change, the people around me are signalling change (back to school, end of vacations, etc). It is just a good time all around to start changes.

A couple of weeks ago, I had mentioned that my grandmother passed. I also think I mentioned a talk that TWS and I had had about how I was doing as a wife. I got praise and gentle suggestion fo what I can do to be better.

I wrote those down as he said them (both the good AND the changes I need to make), and made some decisions of my own. I am SUCH a project person, am interested in just about anything. But that means that I honestly do not have time to do all the things I want to do. It is simply not possible for me to clean house, homeschool, cook supper, bake bread, counsel a friend, write a book, paint a picture, crochet a sweater, shoot my bow, sew a dress, learn a new language, exercise, go on a field trip, do the laundry, write a cousin, post on my blog, snuggle my sweetie, watch the game, and paint my nails all in one day!

Now the problem with me and plans, is that I am overly ambitious and have very little organizational bent. So I have had a ton of plans and schedules but not stuck to them. This time I am actually praying BEFORE I work on things and letting the Lord lead my days. I have pared down my list of what I want to do, so I am not trying to do everything all in one day, and have put a few things on hold until a different time...maybe after Christmas or maybe in a couple of years.

I have my list of things that I am trying to work into my day, paring down the waste of time, and increasing the fruit of time. God willing, He will bless this list and make me fruitful!

Here is my list in no order per se, ('cept the Lord is always at the top!):

1) The Lord a priority--I do speak to the Lord often in the day. I do read my Bible, but I also get VERY lazy and start talking AT Him and not TO Him. I have been thinking of having standard prayer times. I am going to pray about it (hee hee--praying about praying just seems funny!). I also have a song that REALLY TRULY reminds me of Him, of His sacrifice. I get so caught up in my life, that I forget to just SIT AT HIS FEET and think about His sacrifice and salvation and blessings. I get anxious to go DO something, when the best thing I can do is just to sit for a bit and dwell in His presence.

2) Homeschool a priority--I am blessed with children and a curriculum that allows me to play bubble shooter all day if I want. Both the children and the curriculum are JUST that easy. However, the children are not getting the full benefit of homeschooling. They need field trips and projects, experiments (my fav!) and such. During those times where they are homeschooling, my goal is to be in the same room for most of the day, being proactive and setting up things they can do to enrich their experiences. When we have those days where they are just going to be doing work, my sewing machine is in the homeschool room, so i can work on that. The woodstove is also in the same room, so I can cook pancakes, fry bread, etc right there while they work!

3) TWS a priority--I am also blessed with a husband whom I really love and who really loves me. He is not perfect, neither am I. But he is my husband and deserves my respect and love and time. One of the things that he said that he wanted me to change was "timely taskers"....if he gave me a task, I need to do it immediately. I also need to be more sensitive when he needs to go into his "man cave" and decompress. His job is very stressful. In order to be the type of husband and father he wants to be, sometimes he needs to withdraw for a little bit in order to transition from "battleground work" to "home sanctuary". And I have also told him to let me know by making me look in his eyes when he wants to spend time with me and I am missing the cues. I get "task saturated" and tell him "Just one more minute...almost done...." for two hours!

4) House a priority--Frankly this is just my laziness. Starting with the "parlor mentality" (kitchen, living room, bathroom), I need to keep things clean and neat. I also am REALLY trying to stick with a menu (another thing TWS mentioned). Kinda cracks me up that I spent hours coming up with weekly menus, writing up a grocery list, went to the store.....and then we changed the very first meal to something other than what was on my list! hee hee!

5) Book-- Many years ago, I had panic disorder with and without agoraphobia, OCD and chronic anxiety. The Lord took me step by step through the sins that I was committing that enabled these. With His guidance, I was able to go from completely housebound, to able to jump on an airplane. I had long struggled with whether I should write this book. I would start, then stop. TWS told me to, but I was still hesitant (note: our husbands are the head of the household--we need to LISTEN!). The other day I was praying about it, again, and telling the Lord "Hey, whatever You want, just let me know". That very morning I had a message from a dear friend of mine asking if she could use a post I had made on the subject on a board. That was my signal that it was time to get serious about it.

6) Exercise. I would rather be beaten with a stick than exercise. I hate the way they keep changing how much you "should" do, I hate it when they say "Well, 8 hours a day of aerobic activity is ok....but you REALLY need to be doing 12...." (ok, that is a total exaggeration, but that is how I feel! lolol). But the other day I woke up and thought "I actually just feel like exercising today. NOT to be tiny, NOT out of "health guilt", but just because I wanted to do it. I PRAISE THE LORD for that healthy change in my thinking, because I have learned that the quickest way for me NOT to want to do something is to be told I HAVE to. lolol So, i am going to start exercising, on my time, in my way, for MY benefit. Not for guilt. Not for "have to". For the fun of stretching and moving and such. Besides I have Alton Brown cooking videos that I can watch while I exercise!

7) Misc projects--I have pared down my list of everything I ever wanted to do to these things that I will do now, with more to be added or dropped later. So, God willing, I am going to work on learning spanish, getting better on the dulcimer, sew more and learn to make more food from scratch (cheese is my next project!). I am also going to be painting. I am putting off a lot of interior decorating, instead focusing on making my house neat and tidy, ready for guest or project :-).

I want to have my chores done so that I can be ready for a friend who needs a shoulder, ready for a chat with my mom, ready for an unexpected guest. I want to be PROactive, not REactive. I mean, the laundry does get done, I wash the same pairs of socks, the same dresses and shirts every week. So why not have it done BEFORE people ask? If I am going to get it done on, say, Friday, why not adjust my thinking so that I get it done on Monday? The same amount of time will be spent washing clothing in a week, so why not be proactive and get it done?

Same with cooking. I am GOING to cook supper. So why not have a plan beforehand instead of waiting until 4 pm and being frantic? Either way we are going to eat. So why do I not just reduce stress and plan?

So really this is more of a change of thought, than a change of what I do. I am doing mostly the same things, paring down time wasters, and adding a few new things. But I am trying to be organized.

What about you? Is this a good time for you to think of changing your schedule in a big way? If you homeschool or if you have children who go to school, the schedule is changing anyway from summer. So maybe this is the perfect time to be "in for a dime, in for a dollar"! Maybe this is a good time to make New (school) Year's Resolutions!

Feel free to share what you are doing, what you have done, what you find works for you, and what you find your trouble spots are. Please take a moment and pray for every one of your sisters who need a little help in this area.....that is pretty much all of us! Please pray that God's will be done, that we each adjust to OUR family's individual needs! Each family will have different interests, different needs, but all families need less stress, more Lord, less clutter, more healthful behavior, less burden, more joy.

God bless you all!

More pictures from yesterday...

2008-09-09T11:12:00.002-08:00

My beautiful graceful sisters!
Here are some more pictures from yesterday~

Heavy-laden sky

Green and gold

Snaps and bachelor buttons

More...

Yellow Snapdragon

Have a blessed day my sisters!

The Lord's majesty in autumn

2008-09-09T11:04:00.002-08:00

My beautiful, wonderful sisters!!!

Auumn is HERE in Alaska. The leaves are falling like snow (making my kitty crazy!), and yesterday looked like a good day to take some pictures to show y'all. I am working on finding contentment and peace where I am, when I am, how I am, and this is part of it...by recognizing the glory of God all around me!

I wish these pictures had come out just a little bit better....I cannot describe the golden color here. When the sun is out, especially, it looks like you are walking in the heart of the sun, as everything is positively glowing with gold light. Even the white fence and trim of the house looks luminescent! Unfortunately, my camera skills are not adequate enough to show how truly beautiful it looks, but at least here is an idea :)

Spruce and paperbark birch

The moose trail

Autumn road

Strawberry plants in fall

Watch your Bank of America credit card statement

2008-09-07T20:16:00.004-08:00

My beautiful sisters.....

I wanted to bring to your attention something that some credit card companies are doing, particularly Bank of America. In the past, cc companies would up your interest rate if you were late on a payment, etc.

NOW however, some are upping the rate on those who have had no problems paying on time. You might not even know that the company has done this, unless you look VERY carefully at your statement.

This just happened to us. We had a card that went to almost 30% for NO reason at all. None. Thankfully I had happened to see an article about what cc companies are doing now here
http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/105587/10-Things-Your-Bank-Won

I sent that article to TWS and about that same time, he discovered that that is EXACTLY what BoA did to us.

Here is another short but REALLY good article about what cc companies do, but do not tell you about.

http://www.smartmoney.com/deal-of-the-day/index.cfm?story=20080723-credit-card-pitfalls

Also here about trying to save money on gas and what actually ends up costing you money:
http://www.smartmoney.com/deal-of-the-day/index.cfm?story=20080721-4-bad-gas-saving-deals

Of course we know that we should stay out of debt. While we are working on it, however, we are at the mercy of cc companies unless we are careful about checking our finances, fees, increases, etc. There are so many different banks and companies, you CAN go shopping. I have read that you can try talking to a manager, not just the customer service rep, at your cc companies and let them know that you will walk immediately. Apparently, sometimes they will work with you, especially if you have been in good standing.

Have a wonderful day!

Up and down

2008-09-06T09:59:00.003-08:00

My beautiful sisters....

I think it is good for all of us to share our struggles as well as our triumphs. It is heartening to see that someone struggles with the same sin we do, and to have them tell us how they succeed in overcoming. Plus we can pray for each other.

When I last wrote, I was feeling pretty good. I felt that the Lord was really working in my life, that the lessons were painful but productive. Then yesterday happened. Honestly I was in such an emotional morass that I could not even get my head above water. Thank the Good Lord for my sweet TWS who was patient and listened. (However, I DO know that if TWS was not there, the Lord would have sent someone else to help me, or would have helped me Himself....He never leaves us alone!).

I had spent another restless, sleep deprived night the night before, so I was running on empty anyway.

However, in the morning, we got a call that TWS might have to deploy. It is not a sudden deployment or anything, but it ripped out of my hand the barest of emotional control that I had at that moment. Again, everything came tumbling down. I was crying, spun up. It was not the deployment per se, I married a military man and we have been more than blessed in his assignments. I was just thinking "He has not even been out of the woods for 12 hours, I have not been sleeping, I am still fragile from the death of my grandmother...I cannot face this right now. Tomorrow I could face it, but not right now.".

Now, just to give you an example of HOW fragile I was.....we have old Andy Griffith episodes on DVD (we do not like the modern day sitcoms). Precious had been watching them the day before, but some of them were TOO STRESSFUL FOR ME TO HANDLE. Yep. There was just too much drama with Opie and Aunt Bea for me to handle....how pathetic is that????

To put THAT in perspective, one thing that I have handled beautifully in my life, thank the Lord, was when we were in Florida, a hurricane was coming, and TWS told me I would have to start preparing for us to evac (me, Precious, who was two at the time, one dog, two cats and no husband...he would have to stay behind). I must say that I handled that with excitement and determination, thank the Lord. We ended up not having to evac, but I was ready, calm, capable. I have "played camp out" in the closet with my young child during tornadoes, have ridden out a RIDICULOUSLY long earthquake with both young kids without panic, but with aplomb. So I REALLY CAN handle stressful things sometimes....but this week is not one of those times. I could not even handle Andy Griffith re runs.

Anyway, I also had a disagreement with my mom. It was not a fight at all, it was just a difference of opinion. But if I could not handle the stress of the election of a new city council member on Andy Griffith, I certainly could not handle thinking my mother was upset with me.

So I did something I should not have done....started looking at property where I want to be. I know, I know. That was STUPID. It was like a recovering alcoholic going to a bar. With all of that going on, I melted down. I knew I was never EVER going to win the battle in my mind. I WANT to be "happy" and cheerful and content, but I was convinced it was NEVER EVER going to happen. It occurred to both TWS and I that even if we moved somewhere warm, the mess in my spirit would still be there. I KNOW that is a fact because I finally figured out that the root of this problem is NOT my location or how far from family I am. It is not where I live or who I am with, because there are times when I FINALLY give to the Lord, FINALLY trust Him that I am actually FINE with being so far! I do not fear the cold or the snow...I do not even think about it! For a brief moment, i am content and my faith is strong.

No, the problem is not my location, it is my attitude. I was not trusting the Lord that He has a GOOD LIFE planned for me. His goal is not to make me miserable! AND He promised EVERY believer joy and peace. Now, if you do not feel joy and peace, it is NOT NOT NOT because you do not HAVE it, it is because you do not USE it. I knew that, but it is hard to remember when you are being attacked spiritually. The Lord has blessing and strength innumerable for us, like brand new cars in a garage that goes on forever, but WE have to drive them. WE have to make the effort to go out to the garage of our spiritual growth, pour the fuel of faith in the tanks, and hop into those cars and DRIVE them. They do us no good if we deny they are there, or if we will not use them.

Now, I know that there have been massive spiritual attacks on me, because the things that are piling on have gotten ridiculous. Have you ever had one of those days where you just stop and think "Ok, now THIS is getting ridiculous. There is no way that this much can be going this wrong at once."? Have you ever had those days where you are thinking "SERIOUSLY, xyz sin is not even one I WANT to indulge in! Not even a little bit! In fact, it is so utterly dispicable to me that it is not even a little bit "fun"...it irritates me!"? It feels so very unfair, like your best efforts to fight a sin are in vain. That is when the spiritual attacks are at their strongest, and that is where I was yesterday.

I poured my heart out to TWS and he brought up some very important points:
a) It is not all about me. No really, not everything that happens is about me! lolol
b) I needed to stop focusing on my "worst sin" and take into account the full balance of my life. NOW, that does NOT mean "Oh I am a pretty good person overall...." type thinking, but when all you do is stare at the worst of your life, you do not take the time to praise the Lord for His working in your life. The Lord gives me great grace in so many areas, but I do not think of those when I am focusing on my worst sin. I have to look in balance, so that I work on the things that I need to, accept grace on the things I need to, and praise the Lord for His work that He has accomplished in me already...things I struggled with at one point but no longer do.

So yesterday I decided that for the rest of the day I was NOT going to dwell on trying to battle that one sin of discontent. I was just going to focus on good things. It is AMAZING what happened. I told TWS that I was afraid I would get proud and haughty. I was afraid that the sin I was staring at would overwhelm me. In this case, neither happened. I spent the rest of the day in productive, kind discussion with TWS on how I could be a better wife AND what I was doing well (in the interest of "balance" ;-) ). That gave me good perspective: I had weak points and grace points so I could be thankful that my husband appreciated some points, and I was encouraged to work on my weak points. Then we cooked supper together and went to bed early.

And because I was no longer staring at my belly button (or the houses that are for sale where I would want to live!), the Lord was able to keep me from falling deep into the sin of discontent. In this type of sin, distraction can work VERY well. The Lord can do His work in my life without me constantly getting in the way. I am not sure if this makes sense or not, but it does to me in a weird way.

It is kinda like this: I read that a horse, led out of a burning barn, will run back INTO that barn, even if they are safely in pasture. They focus so much on the flames, that they are drawn to them. They jerk out of the hands of their caregiver and run back into the barn. This is how I feel in this.
There are some sins that one has to be FIRM about--action sins are ones that one has to DECIDE to do or DECIDE not to do, and therefore one has to be on guard to NOT do those. I have to DECIDE not to cuss, DECIDE to wear something modest, DECIDE not to flirt or to lose my temper or rob a bank.
But some sins, thought sins, sometimes need a change in focus, at least for me. The brain can only think about one thing at a time. If I am dwelling on fighting my discontent, I am still focusing on discontentedness. I am still staring at those flames, and ignoring the safe green sweet pasture that I dwell in. I am not focusing on my Father, but on myself, my discontent. I am not focusing on my blessings. It seems wrong to not be WORKING on my sin, but on the other hand, I guess I am.....I am working on it by NOT focusing on it, but by focusing on my blessings or what's for supper or anything else in the world. I am not giving the enemy a foothold, thanks be to the Lord. (btw, we have to be VERY careful not to let even a HINT of what MIGHT turn out to be discontent into our brains. For me, I cannot dwell on the fact that my feet are cold, because that will turn into "and winter is coming, and I hate the cold, and it will be dark and I hate the dark and we live in alaska and other people have warm weather, and all my family is in warm weather and I am all alone....!". NO! We have to be careful in every thought, make it captive to Christ!).

OH! And get this! Today's homeschool devotional from Alpha Omega spoke to EXACTLY what I was going through yesterday! Here is a bit: I'm feeling selfish today....I want to escape somewhere. My life seems like it's not my own, and I resent the fact that I can't do what I want, when I want. Homeschooling requires me to be so disciplined, and I'm starting to feel trapped. I want to take a break....I feel like a huge burden is on my back.

...you have to give yourself 100% and commit... Like the man who calculated the cost in building a tower or the king who assessed his army before he went to war (Luke 14:27-33), following the Lord's call ....requires giving your all. Yes, God knows when you need to rest and will show you how to catch your breath, but He also asks His disciples to carry their cross. So who will you follow today, yourself or the Lord? "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me" (Luke 9:23b).

Lord, forgive my attitude and help me refocus on the call You gave.... Teach me again that Your will and Your way is better than any life I can conceive. I love You and thank You for my family. In Jesus' name, Amen."

The Lord is so good! He tells us EXACTLY what is going on in our lives! Now, I cut out most bits that talked specifically about homeschooling, because it does not matter if the problem is about homeschooling, about marriage, about where you live, about what you do. It is a problem of lack of trusting the Lord and focus on self and discontentedness.

OH, here is one thing to remember....I do not know about you, but I was stuck on the "But what if God wants me never to have what I want in this? What if I am stuck here forever?!?!?!". No, that is in error. We ask for what we want because we think that will bring us peace and joy. INSTEAD the Lord makes it to where we can have peace and joy, no matter what we have! Let me repeat that.....having what we want does NOT give us peace and joy, because peace and joy comes from the Lord**. He directs our life, sometimes not where we want it, AND gives us peace and joy! Doesn't that make perfect sense? He directs our paths, but knows that some of those paths are going to be different from our will. So He also provides us peace and joy so that we can walk the paths we NEED to walk to grow, and yet not get discouraged and lose heart! The path might be rocky, but He provides pillows for our feet!

We need to understand that the Lord provided us peace and joy, REGARDLESS of our situation....but again we have to embrace it! We can choose to ignore peace and joy that He gives, thinking we can only have it if we get what we want. But that is us thinking with our pitiful human minds....like a toddler who thinks they will only be happy if they get to eat every cookie on the plate. The Lord knows what we need, knows when we need it. AND AND AND AND He makes it that we can have peace and joy in the storms of our lives.

(**SHAW, my dear faithful friend, was trying to tell me this, get me to understand this for weeks. God bless her for a faithful, patient woman! He has been trying to get me to understand this through just about everyone I talk to! Praise the Lord that He has patience and has a lot of godly people who are willing to be used for His glory....and to be used to try to get me to pay attention....)

When I was in error the past weeks, I kept telling TWS "But it is like having a great life, but just broke your leg. No matter what wonderful things you have, your leg STILL HURTS!". That was my human mind, not understanding what the Lord's TRUE glory and TRUE grace is. When the Lord gives blessing, He adds no sorrow to it. My broken leg analogy was not a true analogy. The Lord is SO VERY faithful, that the discontent in our lives is actually removed, taken away, when we have peace and joy. The discontent is GONE when we are in peace and joy.
Yes, there are still painful things that happen in our lives. I am not saying that no bad thing will ever happen :-). I am referring to the mental sins we have of discontent and lack of trust in the Lord. I was not trusting that the Lord would provide PEACE for me while I lived in His will. I REALLY DO want to live in His will, but I was afraid that I would SUFFER in His will for years. If He chose for me to not get the things I desire most--living near family and being somewhere warm and humid--then I was afraid that I would NEVER EVER be happy...just be resigned.

But the Lord does not WANT us to be merely resigned! That is not a full, Christian life. We cannot bring others to the Lord by just enduring His will. THAT IS NOT A WITNESS and it is not what the Lord is wanting for us. We might not always be HAPPY, but He does want us to have JOY and PEACE so that we can minister to others, will praise Him, and will bring others to Him. So if there is a situation in our lives where we are discontent, the Lord HAS made a way for you to have PEACE AND JOY. It does not matter if you get what you want, because peace and joy are a gift from the Lord to believers, and you can have peace and joy in the Lord, even if you do not get what you want. God said that "godliness with contentment is great gain"....I think this is what He meant.

I tell ya, that lesson was nigh unto impossible for me yesterday until I stopped looking at what I was discontent about. THEN peace and joy could come. I could not have faith AND stare longingly at what I was discontent about. I had to turn my back on the fire of my discontent and stare at the sweet pasture.

I will tell you, this was not on my strength at all. I was a basket case. Seriously, I was a mental and emotional wreck. No, this was the Lord working in my life. This was Jesus's power being made perfect in my weakness. This was not me, this was Him! If there is any inspiration from this, it is from Him.....I did nothing at all to deserve or earn or make this happen. I simply followed what the Lord was telling me through TWS and through the Holy Spirit. I was being led through the barn and into the field.
I just do not want anyone thinking that I deserve any accolades or praise or was "good" in this. I was dreadful and disobedient. The only thing that I DID do--and frankly it was because I was too exhausted to do otherwise--was to allow myself to be led. I had no faith that it would work, I was just too tired to argue or think.

My dear sisters, pray for me. TBH, I am still afraid that this lesson will not stick and I DESPERATELY want it to. The thing is that when I am right in the Lord, when I have peace, I have PEACE! I get it! It makes sense! But it is hard to smell the sweet grass when I am focusing on the fire. I can't say "I am NOT going to focus on the fire" because that is still focusing on the fire. It is like telling someone "DON'T look down!"--well what is the very first thing they do? LOOK DOWN!

Please pray that I will turn my back to the fire and not be tempted to "peek"! Please let's pray for all of us, because we all, at some points in our lives, have this battle about something. It might be when we cannot find a mate. We might not be able to have children. We might be located somewhere we do not want to be. We might have a death in the family or be facing an illness. We probably all will find something that wears at our soul when we know we want peace and need peace. Lots of spiritual attacks, slings and arrows, will be focused on our attempts at resting in the Lord. Sometimes our battle is not to race in and fight, but just to stand, as it says in Ephesians.

God bless and keep you, dear sisters!

Ok one more post... homeschooling

2008-09-04T09:55:00.002-08:00

That was weird, apparently I hit a button and it published a blank post. sigh.... lol

Anyway, wanted to chat a bit about homeschooling and then I REALLY need to print off those records!!

We use Switched On Schoolhouse and L.O.V.E. it. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. It has its bugs as it is software and computers have glitches sometimes. Sometimes something is marked wrong when it is right, etc, so I have to go back and recheck answers, especially if the children leave a note saying "I REALLY think I got this right!". 90% of the time they DID! But those occasions are not often.

I love that it is computer based (no paper!) and already organized (NOT one of my strong suits--in fact just last week, after both of us trying to get me more organized for 14 years, TWS said "Your brain is chaotic...go with it..." lolol).

Anyway, I had told Little Man that he could not go hunting until he finished his English for the year. I allow the children to work on whatever subject they choose to for the day. It works out SO much better. You know, some days I could not count to ten with both hands, but I could write pages. Other days I can barely form a coherent sentence, but I REALLY GET an algebraic equation and want to learn more.

The kids are the same way, and it makes sense. I feel it is better to spend the time to go DEEP in a subject. Your brain is forming pathways, literally "cognitive maps" of information, when you study and learn. Well if you stop that map halfway through, your brain can have a harder time coming back to it and picking up where it left off. Kinda like if you watch half hour of a one hour tv show one day, then come back and watch the second half the next day. Actually it is EXACTLY the same thing--your brain did not get to complete the cognitive map, did not get to form the whole picture of the story. When you came back the next day, you have forgotten some of the nuances and details of the story of the night before and THERE IS NO FLOW because you interrupted the information processing of your brain. If you had watched the whole tv show, you would have a greater understand of the whole story.

So kids are the same way in learning, IMO. They learn so much more deeply and thoroughly when they go to the point where their brain can form a complete map. Some days, their brain is ready for language, for creativity, for rhetoric and "fuzzy" stuff. Some days their brain is ready for math, science, logic and reason. So by allowing them to choose, they seem to be learning very well.

Now, I will say this, they are also learning that it is a REALLY bad idea to do each subject RIGHT up until the test, then switch to another subject ;). That means they have 3-five tests in a day! Precious only made that mistake once or twice.

Also, the first time they get to choose, they will start with doing the fun subjects first, their favorites, then have 20 lessons of their least favorite subject. They learn that it is better to either do what you do not like first OR do what you do not like AND what you do like. I am grateful that the Lord is teaching them diligence and responsibility and organizing their tasks with this!

I do not let them go to the next grade in anything, though, until they finish up all of their schoolwork for the year in the grade they are working on.

Anyway, both of my children read late. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY late. I read at age five. I tried to teach Precious to read since she was 4 years old and by age 8, she was STILL only reading "cat, bat, rat". I was in quite a state of stress, let me tell you!

But you know what? The Lord was merciful and kind. She had been showing many signs of dyslexia, though at the time I did not realize it very much. Suddenly in the early spring when she was 8, the Lord reorganized her brain or opened a path or something. Her reading took off, and by the time fall came around, she was reading just above grade level. Now she reads at about 9th grade level. Her brain just needed time.

Same with Little Man, though I think his was more "will" than "skill", but the timing is very close. His reading is just taking off now, and he is skipping up the reading level charts. He just finished his third grade year, but is reading slightly into the 4th grade. About right.

I digress (again). Because he was SO late in reading (and therefore was not spelling either), we put English off til the end of the year (thank the Lord for flexibility that homeschooling provides!). BUT that means that he had WEEKS of nothing but English, his least favorite subject.

I told him that he could not go hunting unless he finished his English for the 3rd grade year. I must say that boy buckled down! We would count how many lessons he had left, how many days he had left, and figure out how many lessons he had to do. I led him to decision making ("Ok, well you have to do at least 4 lessons a day...but what if you need to take a break or something happens where you cannot work one day?"), and he would make choices based on what he had left. He did a good job of thinking ahead.

The final day he did...get this...THIRTEEN LESSONS. That includes a couple of quizzes and a test. He did not have to finish all 13 that day! In fact, he still had a few days left, he could have taken it easy. However, I think both of us were ready for it to be done. Poor boy was SO brain fried at the final test! His brain literally just sort of gave up about 5 questions from the end of the test, but he pulled it out. I think it was good for him to build up some mental endurance.

SO we can start the new year next week, after I test him to see what grade he can do in various subjects (I love that SOS has placement tests!!). Precious has been working on her new school year for the past two months...she got her work done earlier than he did. She is doing 6th grade history, 7th grade science and 8th grade math and english.

Speaking of SOS, I also love the fact that you only have to buy a grade level curriculum once, and can school many children on it. We bought grades for Precious, and can school Little Man on them, without having to buy different workbooks or anything (because it is all computer based). It is actually a very inexpensive proposition when you look at it that way.

So I am pretty psyched about this school year, thank the Lord! I know that there are always hurdles, but reading was the biggie for me so far. Now that they, thank the Lord, have gotten that in order, I am excited about how this year might go!

God Bless you sisters!

Sweeping up....

2008-09-04T09:14:00.002-08:00

My beautiful sisters!

Whew, I tell you what, with me it is either feast or famine! :-)

I wanted to sweep up a few details, a few funnies, ask for a few prayers. Generally knot up the loose ends from this past couple of weeks....

First of all, prayers: please pray for our family. My mom, dad, aunts, cousins, uncles who are dealing with the passing of my grandmother. I think everyone is healing, is finding peace, but I am not sure. Please pray for them. Please pray that this is a situation that brings together, not tears apart, as deaths in the family can either make a family stronger or tear them apart.

And please thank the Lord for me and with me that my grandmother's passing was so peaceful. I really cannot tell you what a blessing it was!

Please pray for SHAW's sister as she is very sick and needs healing AND encouragement.

Please continue to pray for that veteran of a few posts ago.

Please pray for the Palin's, as they deal with the politics and the personal challenges they face.

Please pray for our brothers and sisters in the path of the hurricanes--wow they are lining up one by one aren't they? My dear, wonderful, beautiful cousin is working with evacuee children...Please pray for her, as she does not know how wonderful and beautiful she is, but she has ALWAYS had the most wonderful spirit. I miss her terribly.

Please pray for the safety of the hunters as our hunting season has opened in earnest and many of us up here are relying on hunting to provide food for our family. Alaska is very expensive to live, and the price of gas is NOT falling here, neither is the price of fuel oil. So hunting food instead of buying it is such a wonderful provision from the Lord. Please pray that all those who need the food can be successful, and pray that everyone is kept safe.

There are so many people to pray for! The unborn, the abused, the sorrowed, the lost. Please understand that our prayers ARE necessary and ARE doing something. Remember that our battle is NOT AT ALL against flesh and blood but against rulers and principalities in the heavenly realms. Please read Ephesians 6:10-20 and ponder it in your heart, especially when we tend to hurry our prayers or think they are not effective.

Ephesians 6 (Young's Literal Translation, one of my favorites, taken from Crosswalk.com)
6:10 As to the rest, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might;
6:11 put on the whole armour of God, for your being able to stand against the wiles of the devil,
6:12 because we have not the wrestling with blood and flesh, but with the principalities, with the authorities, with the world-rulers of the darkness of this age, with the spiritual things of the evil in the heavenly places;
6:13 because of this take ye up the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to resist in the day of the evil, and all things having done -- to stand.
6:14 Stand, therefore, having your loins girt about in truth, and having put on the breastplate of the righteousness,
6:15 and having the feet shod in the preparation of the good-news of the peace;
6:16 above all, having taken up the shield of the faith, in which ye shall be able all the fiery darts of the evil one to quench,
6:17 and the helmet of the salvation receive, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the saying of God,
6:18 through all prayer and supplication praying at all times in the Spirit, and in regard to this same, watching in all perseverance and supplication for all the saints --
6:19 and in behalf of me, that to me may be given a word in the opening of my mouth, in freedom, to make known the secret of the good news,
6:20 for which I am an ambassador in a chain, that in it I may speak freely -- as it behoveth me to speak.

If this translation is difficult (I have seen it said that YLT is good in hebrew, but light on English, as this translation was actually striving to be VERY literal). It is important that we know that we are to pray, that our strength comes from the Lord and His might, and that the Spirit knows what we need to pray for when we do not. (We should do a study on prayer sometime. I will admit that while I do pray and often, I have not actually thought much about it. Hmmm....)

Ok, more sweepings.....
A couple of funny things....for some reason, when I was very upset about my grandmother, everyone tried to find things for me to do! Precious kept trying to come up with ideas, such as games and the like, and TWS suggested that I could redecorate the bedroom while he was gone (chuckle).

Now, I know what they were trying to do, and I DEEPLY appreciate it! They know that I am a project person and were trying to give me things to do to keep me occupied. It just kinda cracks me up :-).

I tell you what I DID do....

I played bubble shooter.

Yep, that is pretty much it! Ok, not really, I did more than that, but bubble shooter was SUCH a blessing to me (thank you Kayla!!! You have no idea how much it helped!). It is one of those games you have to be VERY careful with because it is a colossal time waster. No, seriously. DREADFUL!

BUT what it also was to me was something that required JUST enough of my brain so that I could not spin up into even more of an emotional mess. I could think and even pray, but I could not DWELL and be MOROSE. Yesterday I kept a game of bubble shooter open and an MSWORD document page open. I would shoot bubbles, and write to the Lord. Shoot more bubbles, write more to the Lord. Bubble shooting kept my emotions more at bay, because it was distracting BUT it was not so engrossing that I could not ponder things and pray. It was SUCH a blessing! I played until I could literally barely see from the eye strain.

I have spent a ton of time talking to my brother and sister in law. I have chatted with my cousin and my father and my mom. I have started a painting (see, I DID need a project!). I shot my bow. Precious Heart and I went to town and got conditioner and went to the candy store and to chilis for lunch. I watched the weather channel, preseason football, and live streaming video from a tv station in New Orleans for Gustav (thank the Lord that He blew the strength out of that one! I was praying!). I almost finished sewing a dress for Precious and cut out some more.

I think I am most grateful, and feel good that, I spent the first few days after my grandmother passed just doing nothing. I know that it worried people around me GREATLY, but I just needed a couple of days of no responsibilities, of no pressures, very little activity. Oh I could have kept that going and kept mourning and sorrowful for longer, but I was afraid that I would sink into a depression that way. I liked to think of it sort of like three days of darkness when Jesus died, then a new day. For some reason, three days of stillness, sorrow and full up mourning seems appropriate, then a gradual return to life. At least for me, at least in this situation. I still miss my grandmother, and I still get sad. But thank the Lord that I am not eaten up with her passing, but that the Lord put me back on my feet, gradually, and with me leaning on His arm. Each day my legs are getting stronger, and I am returning back to duties and responsibilities. I could almost cry as I see how He is being patient with me, giving me enough time to heal, but also gently urging me to get back in the game. He sat by my spiritual bedside for many days, being faithful (as always!) and kind, teaching me and comforting me. Now His strong arm is around my shoulder. He is actually too kind for me to even comprehend....I know that there is more, but my brain cannot actually wrap my head around it....like a math puzzle I just cannot understand. But I am thankful and eager that one day I will know as I am fully known!

Oh I did learn another thing--I keep trying to get grace on my strength not His. Oh my sisters, I will NEVER learn this lesson!!! Ok, I will learn it, but MAN I am hard headed!!! No wonder He brought me to the edge of the frontier--I am as distractable as a ping pong ball on drugs. :-)

Well I probably need to stop writing now...I have to start printing out records for the children's schooling. We school year round....not because of any reason but that I tend to want to take days off here and there, and I do not want us to fall behind. I want to be able to take a week for hunting, or a day because I would rather bake cinnamon rolls and read Trixie Belden mysteries :-).

I love you my beautiful sisters. Please take care of yourselves and your families and be heartened and cheered in the Lord. He is always faithful, we just sometimes need to pray for eyes to see His faithfulness :-).

My absence part 2

2008-09-04T08:43:00.003-08:00

My beautiful sisters....

I wanted to continue my previous post, as there was just so much to say! How can one put the Lord's glory and provision in times of sorrow in ONE blog post? (smile)

So where was I? The Lord is breaking me down, day by day, but in the kindest of ways. I know that I get afraid of what the Lord would ask of me...and frankly I think it is best that I not know what He has in store for me in the future, because He will need to build my faith to accomplish whatever He wants me to accomplish.

If someone had said "Your grandmother is going to die and you will be almost entirely by yourself through it" two weeks ago, I would not have been able to handle it, or not understood the grace that He would provide. He had to walk me through, minute by minute. NOW I understand.

And do not think that I think that the Lord is only planning scary things for our lives! NO! I have found that even glorious, wonderful things are things that I am not ready for! In those times as well, He has to slowly lead me to the maturity and wisdom that I need to handle them! Right now I am like a toddler who keeps running off at the mall--as soon as I get some freedom or some praise, I run away from my Father's side and start exploring. He has to bring me back to His side (usually with a rebuke and chastisement) because it is not safe for me to wander. So even in good things, even in blessings, He has to walk me through step by step because I cannot handle the headiness of blessings any more than I can handle the sorrow of loss or have the courage required in times where I need to stand my ground.

So if you wonder why you are not being blessed with what you desire, there is a reason. He has His plans and they are NOT to make you miserable but to teach you and to guide you! Now, sometimes we do not get what we want. But even those should be times of praise because we THINK our lives would have been better if we did get what we want, but they would not have.

Here is an example or two. One day I could not find my keys. I looked and looked and they were no where! If I had had the choice, I would have found them. However, because I could not find them, I was home to take the phone call of a friend who needed me. The Lord orchestrated that situation to bring glory to His name, not mine.

Also, I was born with a birth defect and was teased quite mercilessly at times in my life. I was in agony and sorrow. BUT the Lord always provided me with one true friend, I mean a TRUE friend--one you could trust. I always wanted to be popular (don't most girls?), but I never was. Instead of many shallow relationships, I had very few, but they were deep and lasting and bonding.

Also, because I was teased, that "thorn in my flesh" changed my entire personality. I shudder to think of what I would have become without it. I would be even more vain, even more shallow, even more proud and haughty. My defect gave me humility, which is of great worth in God's sight. Now, understand that I am not THAT humble! I needed a very obvious defect to even bring me to what I am now! (imagine how intolerable I would be! lolol). Likewise He brought me to the ends of the earth, almost literally, in order to isolate me so that I would learn to lean on Him. He is always faithful, even during our most painful times, and uses those for our good.

BUT AGAIN, that does not mean that our lives will be nothing but painful! No! With the grace and the patience of the Lord, I am starting to understand what the Lord meant with Jesus and Paul and the thorn. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.". Then Paul said that he delights in difficulties, for when he is weak, then he is strong.

It is scary, but again, the Lord is not going to put us in things we cannot handle. It is kinda like this: when we are young, we dog paddle in the kiddie pool and ride a tricycle and trip over sticks. NO ONE would think of taking that young child and putting them in an Iron Man triathalon. That would be cruel.

BUT the Lord continues to grow us, to groom us, so that we can handle the ocean swim, the miles long bike ride in the hot sun, the run up and down hills. The triathlete does not have the mind of a child thinking "I am just in a kiddie pool! I cannot swim in the ocean!". No, the triathlete has been trained, slowly, over their lives, so that they can achieve greater glory safely.

Likewise the Lord trains us, slowly, so that we can achieve more for Him in spiritual and emotional safety. So do not be afraid of what He might have you do....He is not throwing you into the deep end of the ocean. He will train you, guide you, save you so that you are ready for whatever task or situation you will face. He might need to train you for something happy, like children or an inheritance or being a famous author. OR He might need to train you for something difficult like being a missionary, comforting the dying, or a weather tragedy. In any case, He will not give you more than you can bear, either good or bad. But you have to listen to Him. Someone cannot say "Well, I outgrew the kiddie pool, so i am definitely ready for a triathalon. They have to devote themselves to their Coach and be trained.

So do not worry about tomorrow, either good or bad. It wastes time to stress about what pain or stress you might face, and it wastes time to fret about what you really want that you do not have. He will show you what you need to know, and will give you what you can handle. What you need right now is what you have right now. His goal is to bring us to holiness and to bring others to Him so they may be saved, and our job is to glorify Him. We can do that in pleasure and in sorrow, but our witness is much more obvious in sorrow. It is easy to praise God to others when we just won the lottery....but people PAY ATTENTION more when we praise God when a loved one is sick or when we are standing in line for an hour.

I hope this is making sense. I am praying that it does and that it is neither too much nor too little. If anything I have said is stressful for you, do not let your heart be troubled. Remember, the point is that the LORD is in control, and He is not wanton or unkind. He is merciful and wonderful. He is patient and loving. He provides in all ways at all times. The point is to rest in Him and be at peace because He is guiding you. Soak every bit of wisdom from this moment, without fretting about what you want or what you fear in the future. Don't try to race ahead, and do not dwell in the sorrows, guilt, pain, or resentments of the past. Just rest at His feet and let Him lead you. He is faithful, He will do it.

Glory be to God in the Highest, and in His Son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Spirit, our Counselor who right now dwells in the hearts of those who are called by Him, saved by His name.

My absence

2008-09-04T08:15:00.003-08:00

Hello all of my beautiful sisters....

I just wanted to post a quick note about why messages are taking a while for me to post and why i have not posted anything in a bit.

My grandmother passed away last week. She had been terribly ill for a long time. She went very very peacefully...just sort of drifted away. She was saved, so she is with my grandfather in heaven.

But it put me in a bit of a tailspin. She was very upset when I moved to Alaska. I kept promising her that it would only be a short tour, 2-3 years. Then we ended up staying for going on our 9th year now. I know that the Lord knows that I want to go back to the south, and that He shut the doors. He is all merciful and all powerful, and thankfully He listens to His own will, not mine (smile) but it was still painful to know that she died and I never kept my promise to come home (we have visited, but not moved closer).

The first couple of days, I was a mess. I was mourning my grandmother, but even more, I was mourning my "home". I had never lived anywhere longer than three years and a week until we moved here, so where my grandmother lived was my home. My extended family always treated me like a returning lost child when I would go home...lots of love and "darling!" and "How beautiful you are!" and "Oh we miss you so much!". I had been bullied and teased for most of my childhood, so going there for a week was a balm for a year's worth of wounds.

During that time last week, my husband was planning his trip with my son to go hunting. They do this every year, and I love that my son has the chance to be with the men. TWS postponed a day, and said that he REALLY would not mind if I said that I needed them to stay home instead, but I could not do that. So they went.

Now, it might seem that he should have stayed here, but actually the opposite was true. The Lord used my many hours of quiet time, of still time, of down time to teach me, to lead me through this. My whole "main tier" of support was out of pocket at this time: my husband, my best friend (who was traveling across country), my mother (who was mourning the loss of her mother, I could not ask her to counsel me when she was suffering even more than I was!). He brought into my path a wonderful talk with my father AND talking with a cousin whom I had not spoken to in many months, and they both gave me messages from Him. This taught me that the Lord is REALLY my comforter and supporter. He will provide kindness and love and soothing through many people. *HE* is the comforter, not the husband, not the friend, not the child nor the parent. I mean, they DO comfort us! But it is because of the Lord. They shine the light of the Lord to us, those people who mean so much to us! But even if they are not here, He does not allow the light of His love to dim in our lives....He turns on different lamps!

I was never left alone in my spirit and sadness. Sometimes I was DYING for someone to call, to be on the phone, but when literally NO ONE was around (late at night, when people were sleeping, etc) He was there in Person, comforting and counseling me. He is altogether wonderful.

I am fine now. The Lord has taken this time of me being in quiet, of being weak and in mourning, of me being too tired to be strong on my own to teach me so many wonderful things. He will provide that for YOU too, but I found that I have to get rid of what *I* think I need and just lay my heart before the Lord. I mean literally go to Him and say "I have NO idea what to do, what to think. I am waiting for You to help me.". There were times where I begged Him to let someone call or be on instant messenger, but those where the times that no one was...I mean NO ONE! It was weird, because usually there is someone online. Again, He was showing me that HE is the provider of comfort, HE knows what I need and when I need it.

Oh, that reminds me. You might know that we homeschool, well the alpha omega company has a wonderful daily devotional. Even though the devotional message is slanted towards homeschooling, the root messages are Biblical and can apply to every day lives outside of homeschooling. Today the message talked about how the Lord leads us through our lives step by step, each day revealing more of His plan for our lives. He does not usually show us our whole path, but instead says "Take one step. Stay right there. Wait. Take one more step. Turn to the right. Wait.". His timing is perfect, as we humans could not handle all of His truth and teaching in one moment.

I want to encourage you to start today to peel off the layers and the defenses and make time for the Lord. Be patient, as some days are "wait" days and some days are "walk farther, farther, farther" days. You might think He is not talking, but just like in music, pauses are necessary for the whole symphony that is your life to make sense. He IS talking but sometimes He talks with quietness. Sometimes He talks with things you do not even consider, such as an offhand comment from a child or a burned supper.

So start your walk with Him today. Take this moment to STOP STRIVING and let Him lead you. He is faithful and He will do it.

QUICK chicken and dumplings

2008-08-26T18:58:00.003-08:00

A recipe for my beautiful, wonderful sisters!!

All of us are struggling with these allergies/cold/that virus we have had since last October (I kid you not)/whatever this is. Whatever it is, it seems to be perfectly at home in our sinuses, ears, and lymph nodes...much to our dismay. It has been going on long enough that we have developed a family cope: whoever looks/feels the worst automatically gets the extra sympathies for that day. When it is one of the kids, they get extra naps, when it is me, I get to not have to make supper, when it is TWS he gets cooing from me and last night he got QUICK chicken and dumplings....(I was in town most of the day and we do not have much chicken in the freezer).

Now, for REAL and PROPER chicken and dumplings, you take whole pieces of meat, with bone AND skin, and boil them in seasoned water until the meat falls off, then you pull the skin and bone out. But this uses canned chicken, canned broth, and homemade dumplings.

Now, before we get farther, we need to have a chat ;). There are northern dumplings (which might also be eastern dumplings--there seem to be some similarities in those regions) which are fluffy biscuit type things that rise to the top of the bowl. THEN there are traditional southern dumplings which do not have leavening, and are thick and dissolve slightly in the broth, making it more of a VERY thick stew instead of a soup.

(You might say "How does SHE know which is northern and which is southern?!? My southern grandma always made them fluffy!" Actually I googled it because I was curious! If you are a GRITS who eats fluffy dumplings, I PROMISE that no one will take away your membership to the Daughters of the Confederacy :-). Likewise if you are a northerner who likes dense dumplings, no one will toss you, shotput-like, below the Mason Dixon! :-) ).

Either way, this is how I made them last night. It takes about 20-30 minutes to make, maybe 40 at the most.

Expedient Chicken and Dumplings for 2 (possibly 4 if the kids are small and do not eat a ton lol)

1 or 2 cans chicken (dark meat gets less stringy than white, but either is good)
1 box LOW SODIUM chicken broth (or no sodium)
about a cup of AP flour
about half a stick of butter
Milk
Soy sauce
Pepper

Put the broth and the chicken (undrained) in a 2 quart pot and start to medium boil. Slice the COLD butter into very thin pats and put in the flour. Slide the butter in the flour between your fingers until you have broken it up some into dime sized pieces. Add milk to make a STIFF dough. Turn the dough onto a floured surface and quickly fold and turn about 5 times (you do not want the dough to fall apart too quickly). Roll to about 1/4 inch thickness and cut squares around 1.5-2 inches (it is not necessary to measure, you just do not want them narrow). Put in the boiling water but do NOT shake the excess flour off.

Add a splash of soy sauce to give "depth" of flavor. This is probably a tablespoon or three. Do not add too much, it is salty, BUT because we did not boil the bones and skin, there are "flavor notes" missing that the soy sauce adds.

Pepper liberally also while the dumplings are boiling.

Much of the dumplings will start falling apart--that is fine! You want a very thick, stick-to-your-ribs sort of broth. Start testing the dumplings for YOUR desired doneness at probably 15 minutes and checking every 5 minutes thereafter. It does not take long for the dumplings to be done.

WATCH THE POT! This is not one of those "fix and forget" type dishes. Because part of the dumplings fall apart, the starch will stick to the bottom of the pot and BURN! And it happens quicker than you think! Burnt flavor goes all through the pot, so it makes good sense to stir it occasionally and keep it cooking at just above a simmer. (I like to do dishes while it is cooking).

There ya go. Make sure that there is enough pepper to give it some flavor, if you like pepper. Also make sure to go LIGHTLY on the soy--especially if you have used full sodium broth. You can always add more.

This is like chicken soup--the pepper helps clear the sinuses, the broth adds hydration, the salt soothes and disinfects the throat and helps you hold on to water that you are probably losing from runny noses or post nasal drip or fever, both chicken and dumplings are easy on the digestion, and the hot, soft food is good on a sore throat or when you just feel punk.

Of course if you have the time, make the proper chicken and dumplings from scratch--much more nutrients from the bone and fat, and frankly the flavor is better. However, this is a good quick meal.

Tuesdayfurnacewednesdayclassguyart

2008-08-26T11:56:00.008-08:00

Or "Welcome to the chaotic mess that *IS* my brain...."

You ever just do something stupid?

I awoke after a bad dream (still trying to figure out if the dream was significant or if it was just a dream). In the dark, eerie, timeless, half sleep, I realized that the furnace man was coming in the morning to check the furnace. I was SO thankful I had remembered, because I would have been tempted to sleep in! BOY! And to think that usually I forget appointments until Precious reminds me!!

I padded into the plant room at about 4 am and see that, yes, I have it written down that he is due at 930 am. I am a severely behind on my laundry, and the furnace is in the laundry room, so I decided I would get up early to do laundry. I had considered staying up, but frankly I was too tired, so I made sure my alarm was set and tried to go back to sleep.

So it is 630ish, and I awake before my alarm. I am obsessed with the thoughts of getting things done before the furnace guy comes. I am so tired that I keep falling asleep in my prayers. I wonder how much time I really need to wash 5 loads of laundry....scratch that, HIDE 5 loads of laundry. Thank the Lord that the house was presentable from our weekend company! I even remind TWS to make sure the furnace guy has a straight path in the garage to that furnace, and TWS assures me that he will make it happen BEFORE he has to go to work.

I get ready for the furnace guy to come, make sure the boy is awake and doing homeschool. I make myself presentable. 930 passes and he is not there. But he sometimes runs behind. I help little man with homeschool and realize it is 11 am and he still is not there. I go up and call him while he is on another job and say "I thought we had an appointment on the 27th at 930 am?". He says "Yes, on Wednesday." I pause for a moment before that sinking "No, sparrow, YOU are the idiot" realization hits the pit of my stomach. With the furnace guy sounding nice, but busy, I stammered what I hope was something reasonably coherent (though I cannot remember what it was) and hang up.

I realize that all day I have been thinking that it was BOTH Tuesday AND Wednesday! I KNEW it was Tuesday because the kids have art today. I KNEW it was Wednesday because I am positively brilliant at 4 in the morning (no, not really!) and because the furnace guy is supposed to come and because for once I did not forget it, so it HAD to be Wednesday.

(sigh)

WHY did my brain not connect the thoughts of "Tuesday art class" and "Wednesday furnace guy"?? Why did it become "Tuesdayfurnacewednesdayclassguyart"??

Apparently my brain is just mush, and now the furnace guy knows it too--up til now it had just been the secret of me and TWS (um, and my mom, SHAW, my daughter, my father, my wonderful grand-neighbor down the street....and everyone I had spoken to in the past 6 months).

Blast it, now I have to find a new furnace guy who does not know that I am an idiot. Which is a harder task than it sounds...there are not THAT many furnace guys in town. They are all eventually going to realize that my brain spends most of its time saying "Oooh!!! Butterflies!!!"

And to think I could have slept in!

Veteran's Stand Down

2008-08-26T08:08:00.005-08:00

Good morning my beautiful sisters! Praise the Lord for His mercy and kindnesses!

This weekend I had the incredible opportunity to go to something called a Veteran's Stand Down. This is a large event where veterans can come to one place and get free lunch and breakfast, free gear (sleeping bags, cots, boots), information about services they are eligible for, legal advice, and medical care.

TWS told me about it a few weeks ago. At first I was eager to go, then some fears got to me (don't ask...they were too stupid for words), then TWS said that he thought they had plenty of people. But then a day or so later he said that ONE of us needed to go, so I went while he stayed home with the babies.

I thought I might volunteer to do vision screening or something of that sort, but when I got there the volunteer coordinator had me handing out bags of food. I will be honest, I wanted something more "Important" or something....maybe health care related. I even said a prayer to the Lord "I wanted to do something IMPORTANT!". But of course I was not going to decline, so I set to work.

Ladies, may I say that the Lord knew EXACTLY where to put me? I mean, I had THE BEST job of the WHOLE stand down!!!! Next year that is EXACTLY the position I want! I got to see everyone coming in and going out. I got to chat with TONS of vets. I got to hand out big safeway bags of food (something that this prepping southern woman just REALLY goes for!). I got to meet the NICEST people! I wore my headcovering and I had a ton of people asking me about it, all nice and respectful to me.

(BTW, that is one reason why I love to wear a headcovering--people will come up and ask and we can talk about faith....something they probably would not do if I was not wearing one)

There was a booth next to me with the most adorable student there. She is either going for her master's or PhD in psychology, I believe. Both she and her supervisor were kind and inquisitive and warm and open. They were a cup of cool water to me, I must say. We talked about our lives, our theories (though they probably did not get many words in edgewise--I tend to go on about things....lol). I probably would not have gotten the chance to talk to them if I had been anywhere else in the conference center.

There were a couple of other people of note. One was a wonderful woman across from me who saw that I was standing and brought a chair for me to sit on. She was smiling and kind and just one of those happy people. There was another woman who started working the booth with me when I sat down for a moment. She looked stern and unhappy, but she was WONDERFUL actually! She chatted and talked, rarely smiled, but every smile was like a precious jewel to me! She was just a REALLY neat person.

I met a woman who had been an army nurse. She was disabled, but her heart surely wasn't! She was energetic and probably the most encouraging person I have met in a long time. I ADORED talking to her, and was sad when it was time to leave.

There was one other person that I really want to mention. There was a vet...a sort of youngish man, maybe in his 30's or early 40's at the latest. Ladies, I BEG of you to please lift him in prayer. I have never seen a face that mirrored such torment in my life. He could barely lift his eyes to look at me or anyone. I gave him a bag, and he mumbled a "thank you ma'am" with the quickest of glances, then looked down at the ground again.

When I say that he looked like he was in agony, I do not think I can convey the depths of the pain on his face. I have NEVER seen the like, even on faces of people who have lost loved ones. He had bright blue eyes, and would have been fairly handsome, but the shame and the torment was all you could see.

Pain, agony, torment....I keep repeating those words because there is not another word in the English language that I can think of that fits him.

Please pray for that vet. I do not know if he is ashamed of something he has done. I do not know if he is kind hearted or hard hearted, good or evil. I do not know if he is in chronic physical pain or if the pain was all in his heart. I just know that I have never seen suffering etched into a face like that before. He looked like a beaten child.

Speaking of children, I would like to take a moment to mention something disturbing that I found out....there is a home run by the VFW for veteran's families. That is wonderful! But part of the clientele of the home is for children whose military parents leave them there. Sometimes it is because both parents deploy, sometimes they have a single mom who deploys and has nowhere to keep her children.

I know that I am probably going to get some serious hate mail for this, but we have GOT to be reasonable here! To me nothing illustrates our loss of any sense of reason that our country is facing than having mothers abandon their children to go fight in a foreign country. Our government needs to stop thinking of trying to treat women as men, and start treating them as WOMEN and MOTHERS!

Those mothers might be able to hide tears and do their work, but those babies NEED their mothers.

The Lord was VERY clear about where mothers need to be--at home raising their own babies. I have no idea how we are going to get out of this nonsense of mothers not being necessary to raising their babies, but we need to get a clue...and fast.

Thousands of children are being sacrificed on the altar of progress, finances, and career advancement, and nothing shows this more than mothers who are being deployed and having to leave their babies with strangers.

Mothering is not about just making sure the child is fed and does not hurt itself. Mothering is about RAISING your kids, nurturing their minds (educating them!), their souls (teaching them the Lord EVERY day), their hearts (being there for every hurt and triumph), their bodies. Mothering is NOT just babysitting without pay. Mothering is MOTHERING.

There are many hurdles, I know. Husbands who want their wives working outside of the home. Women who do not have a husband. Society and friends and relatives who think that being a mom is being lazy. It is hard when everyone around us only values what they can see in the checkbook or the driveway.

We need to work to the point where nuclear families stay together, where family groups stay together, where single moms have support that they need from extended family, where husbands and fathers (as well as wives amd mothers!) start valuing motherhood over finances. I am not saying that women should never work--many women in the Bible worked. But they worked where they could also take care of their babies. There were extended family groups that could help each other out in tough times. There was less industry, so there were more "home based" businesses, so to speak, where the mother could keep her children with her.

I know there are women reading this who might say "But I WANT to come home! My husband will not let me! (or "I am a single mom and have no one to turn to")". Please understand that I am not criticising you IN. THE. LEAST. I TOTALLY understand that. Unfortunately, our society is telling men as well that women should be away from their babies. I am not advocating disobeying your husband AT ALL. I am not saying that you are being a bad mother. We can pray that the Lord changes your husband's mind, and the Lord will work for you, leading your life in the path it needs to go.

As for women who can stay home, PLEASE do so. Your babies need you. A nurse can bind their wounds, a teacher can teach them to read, a sunday school teacher can teach them to sing "Jesus loves me", but you can do all those things. AND no one AT ALL can replace you as a mother. No one can mother your children. They can teach them, kinda. They can heal some of their wounds, but no one can heal the heart as a mother can. No one can know the child deeply like a mom, so that we can see trouble coming BEFORE the principal calls home. We are kinda like a farmer vs a migrant picker....the farmer nurtures his crops, touching them and looking at them, fretting over them, praying for guidance, spending every day in thought of his tender seedlings, watching the "weather", and threats to his crops. Every day he toils in endless circles of plowing and weeding, watering and feeding. Round and round with seemingly no end in sight. But OH--days on end with the Lord as his guide, with his little ones growing strong around him! What great blessing in the mundane and repetitive tasks!

A picker just picks and plunks--picks the fruit and plunks it in a box, without a thought to the overall health of the field or the plants or the nutrients in the soil. Everyone else in the world is just a migrant worker for your children--filling a small square, but not able or willing to see the entire process from beginning to end. The Lord gave you that wonderful position and gave you YOUR children ON PURPOSE. Each child is a unique creature and each child needs a specific type of mothering, and you are the one that the Lord chose for that purpose. Please understand your worth in that!

And just like if a farmer fails in his work, society suffers with lack of nourishment; if a mother fails in her work, society suffers with a lack of godly men and women. The farmer and the mother...two of the most unsung heroes of our society. Unrecognized, toiling day and night, poorly paid and disregarded. But actually being in charge of society itself, for without either one of them, society would starve physically, mentally, emotionally.

If my words anger you, then pray. I will pray too, that I am giving counsel that the Lord would have me give.

If you want to reply, then do so. Just know that I am not "picking on anyone". I just grieve for the babies who so desperately want their mothers, and grieve for the mothers who have not learned or are not able to delight in their babies and their calling, I grieve for the mothers who DO delight in their babies, but cannot stay home, and grieve for society and the government who would sacrifice both babies and mothers and fathers and itself for unsound notions of "progress" and "pseudo-equality".

Please pray for that veteran and all of those veterans. Please pray for the babies whose mothers are sent away, and pray for the mothers who cannot come home due to military or husbands or circumstances, that the Lord would show them the way home and would open the path and that the women will go down that path WITHOUT FEAR, relying on the Lord. Pray that women would see their own true worth, the value in the Lord, and not look to what they themselves value (for most of us really want recognition and "fulfillment", if we are honest with ourselves), or what society values. Pray that mothers would learn how to take up their cross daily, sacrificing their own wants and desires, and relying on the Lord to give them what they need.

Pray for the husbands who do not understand their own role as provider and head of the household, that they will understand that role and embrace it with the wisdom the Lord gives. Pray that husband see their wives and children in new light, falling in love again with them and caring for them as they care for themselves. Likewise that wives fall in love again with their husbands and children.

Pray that husbands understand that their wives are wives and mothers first, and should be able to use their talents and gifts there--the Lord has made a way. Pray that each mother would be given what she needs. Pray that each husband and wife would learn to do more with less, to live simple lives, to value the Lord and health and family and sunshine, not boats and cars and expensive houses and expensive toys. Pray that each child grows in wisdom and love at home where they can be filled with the Lord and with the love of the parents for each other.

Pray for each other, and please pray for me, that I might only speak what the Lord wants me to speak, that any anger I stir is only the last clap of thunder before the healing rain of wisdom falls on someone's life. I know that I get irritated whenever I am shown something that I could fix in my life because my natural self has its own wants and needs, and that soon my life changes for the better if I relax and let the Lord work. But boy, that irritation gets strong at first!

Pray that mothers, single or married, who feel overwhelmed and over burdened do not take this post as an accusation--this is not meant to accuse but to encourage a mother's heart to home. If your heart is already at home, then there is only prayer for you that the Lord will allow your circumstances to change! If your are married, then it might be through your husband's changing heart. If you are single, it might be through other circumstances. No one is questioning your heart or love...we just want to pray for you to be where you want to be--at home with your babies. :-)

If your body is at home, but your heart isn't, or if you are at work and think that you would be too bored, would "go crazy", if you "had to spend all day at home with the kids", please pray. The Lord knows what He is doing. He will not let you go crazy, and He will provide EVERY need. It might not be the way you think, but trust Him. He will never let you down.

Have a beautiful blessed day, my beautiful blessed sisters!